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                        TRANSFORMERS: THE MSTING 5
                           The Foolish Frontier
                               BotCon 2001
                          Durham, North Carolina
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SKIT 1 : KILL THE GRAND POO-BAH
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(House lights off, run opening sequence tape)

(Tape off, house lights up)

(Doug, Phil and Sipher are all wearing silly hats. Sipher stands up)

SIPHER : Good morning, everyone. I'd like to welcome you all to the forty-
	third meeting of the North Carolina chapter of the Cybertronian
	Titanium Moose-Bot Lodge. Now, if Brother Phil could read the minutes
	of the last meeting...

PHIL : (suddenly nervous) Minutes?

SIPHER : Yes. The minutes of the last meeting.

PHIL : (Looking around) Umm... about thrirty, thirty-one, not counting the
	breakfast?

SIPHER : Er, no. When I say "the minutes of the last meeting", I mean you
	go over what happened. At the last meeting.

PHIL : Oh.

(pause)

SIPHER : You don't HAVE the minutes of the last meeting, do you?

PHIL : Well... no.

SIPHER : All in favor of me giving Brother Phil a whap on the head for
	forgetting the minutes of the last meeting, make the Sacred Titanium
	Moose-Bot call.

(Doug and Sipher attemt to make the classic "transform" sound)

SIPHER : The motion carries!

(Sipher whaps Phil on the head with his script)

DOUG & SIPHER: 'Til all are one!

PHIL: That hurt!

SIPHER: Quiet, you. Now, fellow Cybertronian Titanium Moose-Bots, the first
      order on TODAY'S agenda is planning the recreation activities for our
      upcoming Fourth of July lodge picnic.

DOUG : Brother Moose-Bot!

SIPHER : Yes-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s...?

DOUG : I hate to interrupt, Brother Moose-Bot Sipher, but I must point out
      that the Fourth of July was three weeks ago.

(long pause)

SIPHER : (with a "better think fast" look) Uh, no, BROTHER MOOSE-BOT DOUG,
      I am referring to the activites for NEXT year's picnic. I believe we
      should always plan ahead.

DOUG : We got the final script for this YESTERDAY, who the hell are YOU
      kidding?

PHIL : All in favor of me giving Brother Doug a whap on the head for
      doubting Brother Sipher's prodigious memory, make the Sacred Titanium
      Moose-Bot call!

(Sipher and Phil attempt to make the classic "transform" sound)

SIPHER : The motion carries!

(Phil whaps Doug on the head with his script)


SIPHER : Brother Phil!

PHIL : Yes, Brother Sipher!

SIPHER : Your ideas for the picnic?

PHIL : (with a sheepish look) Well, uh, er, I kinda thought you were talking about this year's picnic, too --

(Sipher starts to raise his script and Phil starts thinking fast.)

PHIL : -- butthatdidn'tstopmefromthinkingofsomeideas ANYWAY! (cringes)

SIPHER : Oh? Pray tell, what are they?

PHIL : Well.... everyone loves fireworks.

DOUG : I don't.

PHIL : Quiet. Everyone who matters loves fireworks. So therefore, we need to make something explode.

SIPHER : What did you have in mind?

PHIL : Um....

DOUG : Rob Cypher?

SIPHER : That will do. I'm tired of this subject. Next point of order: It has come to my attention that several of our order have not been acting as Cybertronian Titanium Moose-Bots in good stead!

DOUG : What do you mean?

SIPHER : Well, I seem to remember Phil shooting you back in '99.

DOUG : I got better!

SIPHER : Yes, and you got revenge last year.

PHIL : Hey... that's right! 

(Phil motions to whack Doug with his script.)

PHIL : I may not have a gun, but you will still pay for getting better!

DOUG : I think not. I think you shall be the one to pay.

(Phil and Doug trash talk for a few seconds.)

SIPHER : Enough! I propose that there will be no more killing of fellow Cybertronian Titanium Moose-Bot members unless it is ME doing the killing!

(Phil and Doug look at each other.)

DOUG : I motion that the Grand Pooh-bah stop being such a stick in the mud.

PHIL : All in favor of me giving Brother Sipher a whap on the head for spoiling our fun -- 

DOUG : Not to mention two years of tradition.

PHIL : -- make the Sacred Titanium Moose-Bot call.

(Doug and Phil attemt to make the classic "transform" sound)

PHIL : The motion carries!

(Phil and Doug both whap Sipher on the head with their scripts.)

PHIL : FURTHERMORE, for such insubordination, I propose we kill the Grand 
Poo-Bah!

SIPHER : WHAT?!

DOUG : And I propose we eliminate even the toughest stains!

SIPHER : Oh, I get it -- because of a lack of imagination, you're just quoting the movie.

PHIL : ... Right.

DOUG : Quoting the movie. Sure.

SIPHER : Then, as punishment, I propose and immediately pass the motion to watch "Aerial Assault", "Dark Awakening", "Cutting Edge" and "Wolf in the Fold"! We're not taking this to vote, I have decreed it, so eat me!

OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_

SIPHER : HA! Eat episodes, chumps!

(House lights off)

SIPHER : Wait... aw, MAN!

(Start tape)

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EPISODE 1 : G1 - AERIAL ASSAULT
***************************************************************************

	(Opening shot of a desert palace)

SIPHER : (singing) Istanbul was Constantinople...

	(Into the bazzar)
	DEALER : Who will buy my rugs?! Very-very good, very-very cheap!

PHIL : C-10 CASE FRESH RUGS!!!

	(A man enters, riding an ox that's towing a blue junk car. He stops
	in front of two others under a tent with some cars under it.)
	MAN : Can you fix?

PHIL : The ox? Well, I've got some clippers...

	(One of the dealers walks over and kicks the car. The side panel
	falls off.)

DOUG : Good thing it wasn't a Pinto or he'd be pulling back a charred
       stump.

	DEALER : (Pointing off-camera) HEY YOU!
	(Another figure is running, carrying a tire. The dealer catches up to
	him and grabs at the tire)
	BOY : I don't have any money to pay for it, but I can help you repair
	      the car.

SIPHER : From a long way away, yeah, that's it. (Nervous laugh)

	(The dealer yanks the tire away)
	BOY : No-one speaks to me like that!
	(The dealer raises the tire above his head, the boy books)
	DEALER : Oh yeah? I bet no-one ever does THIS either!
	(The dealer hurls the tire at the boy)

PHIL : Uh, yeah, they do! All the time, in fact!

	(The dealer laughs and walks away, the boy takes the tire from where
	it landed on the scrapheap.)

DOUG : Good job, you gave him what he was trying to steal.

SIPHER : Smart man.

	(A bearded man drives up in a tan jeep)
	BEARDY : This is the place!
	(The jeep silently stops)

SIPHER : Quiet ride. Impressive.

	BEARDY : ... and load the parts!
	(Several men move the the scrap pile and pull out high-tech-looking
	parts. They load them into a parked truck.)
	BEARDY : Carefully!
	(Zoom in on the scrappile, where the boy is working on a motorcycle.
	An airhorn sounds, and the boy turns)

DOUG : Whoah, sorry. Hummus. Man.

	(The boy gets up to see what's going on)

DOUG : Whew. (cough)

	BEARDY : Hurry up, I don't have all day!
	OTHER GUY : Ali! Someone watches!
	(The boy is suddenly grabbed by a large man with glasses)

SIPHER : NEWMAN!

	ALI : Let me catch you spying on me again, and your hide will
	      decorate my trophy room!
	(The boy runs away, nobody chases)

PHIL : Man, this kid is lucky. Second time in as many minutes someone's
       just let him go.

SIPHER : Maybe it's because of those toots.

	(The Aerialbots fly overhead)
	SKYDIVE : Silverbolt! We've got to get more data before we can devise
               any theory to explain why so many aircraft are disappearing
               from this area!

DOUG : Maybe someone from the junk bazzar down there is stealing them?

PHIL : WE NEED MORE DATA! SHUT UP!

	AIR RAID : Well, what do you expect, Slingshot? They're only
	           airplanes! Heh, not Aerialbots like us!

SIPHER : Buy us! Collect us!

	SILVERBOLT : Hey! I'm getting an urgent may-day call! Someone's in
			 trouble, caught in an avalanche in the far end of the
			 canyon!

PHIL : His name is Timmy and he's got a collie!

	AIR RAID : (pulling away from Slingshot) See ya later, slowpoke!
	(The Aerialbots fly lower over the canyon)
	SILVERBOLT : I'm gonna radio Optimus Prime to meet us. We may need
			 help with first aid for the victims.

DOUG : Because we all know what a skilled paramedic Optimus is.

SIPHER : Yeah, he took the Sally Struthers mail-away course.

	SLINGSHOT : ...you'll be lucky to keep up with my contrails!
	SILVERBOLT : (Very woodenly) The distress signal's strong. We're near
			 there. Yes.

SIPHER : (Just as woodenly) I can't tell you how exciting this is. Yes.

	(The rocks ahead crumble to reveal Onslaught and Brawl in their
	combat vehicle modes, firing away)
	ONSLAUGHT : AMBUSH!!!

PHIL : AMGORE!

DOUG : AMNADER!

SIPHER : AMBARRY!

	SILVERBOLT : Combaticons! Take evasive actron!

DOUG : Aerialbots! Get bent!

	(Vortex and Dirge come out from behind a mountain)
	VORTEX : C'mon, Dirge! Let's get 'em!!
	(Some aerial figting, Air Raid gets behind Vortex...)
	AIR RAID : You can run but you can't hide!
	(Shot of Air Raid's control panel, with Vortex in his viewscreen)

PHIL : It's the Cybernetic Space Cube!

	ONSLAUGHT : Blast Off! Where ARE you?
	(Blast off flies in behind three of the Aerialbots)
	BLAST OFF : On my way to a turkey shoot! Isn't that right, turkeys?

SIPHER : (Charles Nelson Riley laugh)

	SLINGSHOT : I can't shake him! Ugh!

PHIL : Try malting him!

	(He's grazed by Blast Off's lasers. Swoops in low, landing inside a
	small cave at the bottom of the canyon.)
	BLAST OFF : You won't get away that easily!
	(He fires above the cave, causing rocks to fall over the entrance,
	trapping Slingshot.)
	(Onslaught and Brawl transform to robot mode)
	ONSLAUGHT : One of the Aerialbots is buried!

DOUG : Punch and bars in the fellowship hall!

	OPTIMUS : (off-camera) Not if we can help it!
	(Optimus and a squad of Autobots transform and fire from the top of
	the cliff.
	(Air Raid clips Vortex's tail)
	VORTEX : (odd wailing as he flies out of control)

PHIL : Woob woob woob! Nyuck nyuck!

	(Silverbolt and Fireflight transform to robot mode and land in front
	of Onslaught and Brawl)
	ONSLAUGHT : Combaticons, retreat!
	(They fly off)
	SILVERBOLT : Forget about them. Slingshot needs rescuing.
	SKYDIVE : And getting him out will present an interesting problem in
		engineering.

DOUG : He can see the upside of any situation, can't he?

	(Cut... there is a hole in the rubble. Optimus and Silverbolt are
	holding Skydive above them, using him as the door frame to keep rocks
	from tumbling down)

SIPHER : So, they couldn't just MOVE the pile of rocks, could they.

DOUG : How the hell did they DO this?

	HOIST : On my way!
	(Hoist drives out of the cave, towing Slingshot)
	HOIST : Okay, we're all clear!

PHIL : Must be the newest Takara super-limited clear re-release of Hoist.

SIPHER : Crystal Hoist.

DOUG : Sounds like a diet cola.

	(Optimus and Silverbolt try to move, but rocks tumble down. They're
	clear, but Skydive is under the rocks... actually, he's behind them
	as he pops up.)

SIPHER : Hey, could ya look for Timothy while you're in there?

	(Symbol transition)
	(The Autos and Aerials move along, with Slingshot still in tow)
	SLINGSHOT : Hey, take it easy ofver these bumps, willya? I got enough
		bruises!
	(Insides a military hangar full of planes)

DOUG : Think that's Hangar 18?

	(Ratchet is working on Slingshot as the Autobots watch)
	RATCHET : Okay, that's it for now, but to get your weapons functional
		I'll need a new console from headquarters.

SIPHER : (Crotchety prospector) Consolnit!

	(Slingshot transforms, a little wobbly)
	SLINGSHOT : I'm still a little shaky about flying.
	RATCHET : No problem. I'll send it over and the base mechanics can
		install it.

PHIL : The military can use advanced alien tech?

DOUG : According to some web sites, yes.

	SKYDIVE : ... maybe if I pretended to be a regular jet, I could get
		stolen by the plane-nappers, as well as-
	SILVERBOLT : Good thinking, Skydive.

SIPHER : I can't WAIT to be rid of you.

	SLINGSHOT : Once we know who dey are, we can bust this thing wide
		open!
	(Skydive transforms to jet mode in line with the others)
	SLINGSHOT : And as long as I'm gonna be here I while, I might as well
		give Skydive a hand.

ALL : (Light applause)

	(He transforms and parks next to Skydive)
	AIR RAID : (sarcastic) Right, okay. Enjoy your vacation. We'll be in
		touch.
	(Symbol transition)
	(Nighttime now. The hangar is lit and lots of people are inside
	"working" on the planes... they're all Arabian guys with saws and
	such dismantling the planes)
	SLINGSHOT : W-what's going on? These guys aren't installing my new
		console!
	SKYDIVE : Slingshot, keep quiet! These aren't the base mechanics!
		They're the plane-nappers!

SIPHER : How the hell did they get IN there?!

DOUG : And does nobody HEAR them disassembling the planes?! Is anybody
	GUARDING that place?!

PHIL : No WONDER the military is desparate for new recruits.

	(The plane-nappers put the plane parts in giant bins, covering them
	with sheets) 
	(They continue to disassemble the two Aerialbots)

SIPHER : (Arab voice) Should we be concerned that this plane has a face
	inside it?

PHIL : (Arab) Naaaaaaah.

	SLINGSHOT : ... I can't believe that they're DOIN' this!
	SKYDIVE : Be QUIET!

SIPHER : (Arab) Should we be concerned that this plane is TALKING?

DOUG : (Arab) Naaaaaaah.

	SLINGSHOT : Aw, blast it! The disassembled my radio transmitter too!

PHIL : And they stole my Playboy air freshener! Fiends!

	(The bins are loaded into laundry trucks, closed up, and the trucks
	drive off)
	SLINGSHOT : We're on our own...

DOUG: Alone at last! (Smoochy noises)

	(Commercial)
	(The laundry trucks pull up to a group of cars, Ali is there)
	ALI : Quickly! You must be gone before the bazaar opens!
	(They haul the bins out to a bunch of hot rods under construction)
	(Cut to the junk pile where the young boy from before is sleeping.
	The noise wakes him up.

SIPHER : (Dexter voice) Dee Dee! Vat are you DOING?

	(He goes to spy on the men...)
	ALI : What's WRONG?

SIPHER : Besides my atrocious stereotype?

	MAN : These parts here. (Indicating the Aerialbot nosecones) They're
		much too complex to use as car parts. We wouldn't know where to
		begin.
	ALI : Then put them back in the laundry truck!

DOUG : Boss, my shoelace is untied!

SIPHER : Then tie it!

DOUG : Gosh, you're smart.

	ALI : Perhaps border inspectors will have as little interest in dirty
		clothes as did the guards at the air base.

SIPHER : I don't know if I should be happy or sad that the US military is
	being portrayed as THAT friggin' incompetant.

	(The boy goes up to a man welding parts together)

PHIL : Remember, GENTLE PRESSURE!

	BOY : Need any help? I'm an expert with a welding torch!
	WELDER : (over the noise) What did you say!

SIPHER : (Dexter voice) I said I have a secret laBORatory!

	ALI : (Right behind the boy) He SAID, "Little brats shouldn't meddle
		in things that don't concern them"!
	(He grabs the boy by the hood and throaws him into a pile of tires.)

DOUG : What a retread.

	BOY : (To himself) Anything THAT secret has got to be interesting.
	(Cut to a line of hot rods and the laundry trucks, lined up in front
	of Swindle in robot mode.)
	SWINDLE : We'll be lucky if that sorry-looking bunch of rattletraps
		can get into first gear!
	(He transforms to jeep mode, and Ali gets into the driver's seat.)
	ALI : Allright! Let's move! Follow me!

ALL : (singing as the group drives away) We got a great big convoy...

	(The boy hops on a motorcycle and follows the last laundry truck. He
	uses a bar to undo the door latch, opening the back...)

PHIL : Oooh, I saw this on The A-Team once!

	(He guns it and pops a wheelie, landing in the laundry piles inside)
	SKYDIVE : What was THAT?!

DOUG : Evil Knievel?

	SLINGSHOT : Shut up, Skydive! It could be human!
	BOY : Of course it's a human! But why are you in there?
	(The boy uncovers a small bin which somehow contains both
	Aerialbots' nosecones.)

SIPHER : Oh, man, they shrunk in the wash!

	SKYDIVE : (Gasps) Our cover's blown!
	BOY : Who are you? WHAT are you?
	(The two Aerialbots transform, their nosecones somehow becoming
	their entire torsos)

PHIL : I think this is the second-goofiest thing I've ever seen.

	SLINGSHOT : Aerialbots! And you're in big trouble, you jet-plane
		theif! (pause) What the... aw, NO, they built my arms into one
		of them rediculous cars!

SIPHER : (Arab, as if in the distance) Should we be concerned that this car
	has fingers?

DOUG & PHIL : (Arab, distanced) Naaaaaah!

	BOY : My name's Hasan! Heh, and if you're after that squint-eyed
		scorpion Ali, *I* want to help!
	SKYDIVE : In that case, Hasan, we've got a lot to talk about!

PHIL : Like this itch on my lower back. Can you get it?

	(Cut to a palace)
	ALI : (over the radio) Megatron, come in! Swindle and I are on our
		way with the latest additions to our drone air force.
	(Megatron is in the main dome by an indoor pool)
	MEGATRON : MY drone air force, Ali!

SIPHER : Because you can't spell "Megatron" without the ME ME ME ME ME ME
	ME ME!

	(Megatron turns to looks outside, where several Decepticons are
	reassembling planes)
	MEGATRON : You may have deposed Prince Jamal and made his palace
		available to us,

DOUG : (Megatron voice) Thereby providing me with exposition material...

 	MEGATRON : ...the Middle East oil fields are OURS will you recieve
		your reward!
	(Cut back to a long line of the hot rods and laundry trucks. Some	guards look at the bins.)
	GUARD : Forgive the inconvenience. Aircraft are being smuggled from
		this country, and we must inspect everything!

PHIL : Except the hood of the jeep in front of me with the giant purple
	Decepticon logo!

DOUG : Hey guys, guess who's gonna be demoted to camel-dung sweeper in THIS
	scene.

	(The convoy drives off. Back to the palace... where a giant blue
	mechanical griffin sits next to some planes.)

SIPHER : Uh...

	(The men are disassebling the hot rods again)
	ALI : Careful with that wing assembly, you oaf! Watch that engine!
	(Blast Off and Ramjet transform to robot mode.)
	BLAST OFF : We'll take over now!
	(Inside the laundry truck, where  Slingshot & Skydive sit)
	BLAST OFF : (vo) Where are those other two jets?

DOUG : When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way!

	SLINGSHOT : (whispering) If he puts enough of me together to
		recognize me, I'm scrap iron!
	ALI : In here!
	(They open the truck. Blast off pulls out Slingshot's nosecone and
	opens up the canopy. He	presses a button, and there is a sparking and
	small explosion.)
	BLAST OFF : What a waste! These two jets are cheap junk!

PHIL : With Autobot symbols and HEY!!!

	BLAST OFF : Finish equipping our new fighters with remote-control
		units. We will NEED them in battle SOON.

SIPHER : (another Charles Neilson Riley laugh)

	(The bad guys walk off)
	SKYDIVE : Great short-cicuit you worked up, Slingshot!
	SLINGSHOT : Heh-heh, yeah, too bad I hadda blow out a whole panel.

DOUG : (Slingshot voice) I just hope it wasn't anything
	importaNNNNNNGHKKKKK!!!

	MEGATRON : Excellent, Blast Off! We can use your help finishing off
		the fortress!
	(To another hangar. Skydive and Slingshot are back in full robot
	mode, and Hasan is with them.)
	SKYDIVE : I dunno, Slingshot, when Ali's men were building your parts
		into this car, they must have left some out!
	SLINGSHOT : Well, that's just great! (Pointing at a hole in his
		chest) I can't go into battle missing half my chest!

PHIL : Half-naked robots?

	(Hasan drives up in an expensive car)
	HASAN : Hey, there's nothing to worry about! We can always use parts
		from this!
	(Cut... Slingshot now has the gold front grill from the car mounted
	on his chest)
	SLINGSHOT : Heh-hey! Hey, that's not bad at all!

SIPHER : He's gonna O-G if he's not careful.

DOUG : How's he go to the bathroom with all that on?

	SLINGSHOT : But don't you think the Prince is gonna be kinda upset
		about us tearin' up his car for spare parts?
	HASAN : Oh, I'm SURE he'd want you to have the very best!
	SKYDIVE : Hasan, if I showed you my weapons console-

PHIL : You ARE old enough to see that, right?

SIPHER : WHOAH.

	(Symbol transition)
	(Back to the big blue griffin, where workers are bringing in parts.)
	HASAN : (Into a walkie-talkie) Okay guys, I'm going in.
	SLINGSHOT : (vo) Be careful!
	(Back to the hangar)
	SKYDIVE : Hey, I just got a signal from Silverbolt! The rest of the
		gang are on their way!

DOUG : And they've got beer!

ALL : WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!

	(Hasad slips by the Decepticons)
	(Shot of Silverbolt and Air Raid flying overhead)
	ONSLAUGHT : The Aerialbots! Destroy them!

SIPHER : And we get a rare peek at Onslaught's tactical genius.

	SLINGSHOT : Boy, are we glad to see you!
	(Onslaught transforms to cannon-truck mode)
	MEGATRON : Blast Off, Ramjet, Vortex! Take control of the drone jets
		and annihilate the Aerialbots!

DOUG : (As Megatron walks off into the griffin) I'll be in the can!

	(The three 'Cons transform and take off)
	BLAST OFF : Drone jets activated!
	(Several drone jets take off)
	(Hasan slips into the griffin behind Megatron and Rumble)

DOUG : Rumble, bring me the newspaper!

	VORTEX : Assuming control of drone jets One, Two and Three!
	RAMJET : Assuming control of drone jets Four, Five and Six!
	BLAST OFF : Drone jets Seven, Eight and Nine are mine, DESTROY THE
		AERIALBOTS!

PHIL : So their big plan hinges on nine brainless jets.

SIPHER : Wow. A plan worthy of the great Cy-Kill.

	SKYDIVE : Make that twelve to three!
	(Skydive transforms and flies off)
	SLINGSHOT : Then count me in as well!
	HASAN : (over radio) Slingshot, no! I'm inside the griffin! I see the
		console you need!

SIPHER : It's a Dreamcast! Now you can play Shenmue!

	SLINGSHOT : Okay, but hurry!

PHIL : Megatron's almost done with the sports section!

	(The Aerialbots and drone jets exchange missiles)
	(On the ground, the land-based Combaticons transform)
	ONSLAUGHT : Blast them out of the sky!
	(Onlsaught fires and misses the Aerialbots, but destroys two tailing
	drone jets)

DOUG : GOOD one.

	(Silverbolt takes out another drone jet)

PHIL : We're what, three seconds into the battle? Yeah, it's going real
	well for the Decepticons. Really worth the effort.

	(Air Raid rips another jet apart with his wing)
	AIR RAID : YEE-HAAAA!
	(The Aerialbots strafe Onslaught, sending him flying where he lands
	in robot mode, headfirst in the sand)

SIPHER : This is kinda like the Pearl Harbor movie, only exciting and
	enjoyable.

	ONSLAUGHT : (vo) Megatron! Are you ready?
	MEGATRON : READY!

DOUG : I feel ten pounds lighter!

PHIL : That's enough.

	(Frenzy & Rumble work on the controls of the griffin. Two gun barrels
	pop out of its forehead.)
	MEGATRON : OPEN FIRE!
	HASAN : (Working at the weapons panel) No!
	(The Aerialbots come in... and the griffin opens fire)
	(Commercial)

PHIL : How will they escape?!

	(The Aerialbots turn and evade the lasers)

PHIL : They DODGE?! WOW!

	SLINGSHOT : (Running, dodgeing blasts from Dirge) Weapons or not, I
		gotta do SOMETHING!
	ONSLAUGHT : The flying fools are doomed!

DOUG : Unless they just don't fly directly in front of the griffin!

	(Onslaught transforms back to cannon-truck mode, but Slingshot hits
	him from the side, flipping him over.)

SIPHER : Oh, he's down at the forty!

	(Onslaught accidentally fires, nailing Ramjet)

PHIL : Onslaught's done more damage than the Aerialbots do all season!

	ONSLAUGHT : Swindle! Brawl! Get this Aerialbot trash OFF me!
	(They grab Slingshot by his legs and fling him to the ground)
	ONSLAUGHT : (now in robot mode) So I can BLAST him into obli-!

SIPHER : Into obli-?

	(The first blast misses, Slingshot gets up and dodges the others)

DOUG : If he could AIM better, maybe he could blast him into obliVION
	rather than into obli-.

	(Blast Off swwops in, Slingshot ducks)
	BLAST OFF : -nite, and transform to BRUTICUS!

PHIL : Why wait 'till night?

SIPHER : Why not wait until we get a new sound editor?

	SLINGSHOT : (Now in jet mode) Without Fireflight, we can't unite
		against him!

DOUG : Where IS Fireflight?

PHIL : His shift super at Taco Bell won't let him leave until he finished
	unclogging the sour cream gun.

	BLAST OFF : Aerialbot, I thought you were dead! But no matter, you
		SOON WILL BE!!!

SIPHER : (rediculously over-the-top Charles Neislon Riley laugh)

	SLINGSHOT : I'm hit!
	(He lands in robot mode on top of Blast Off, who tries to shake him
	off by ripping through some palm trees in the palace garden)

PHIL : That's one way to keep the garden trimmed...

	(Inside the griffin, Hasan pulls out a console and grabs the walkie-
	talkie.)
	HASAN : Hang on, slingshot! I've got the weapons console!
	(Back in the air)
	RAMJET : It's time someone taught you a lesson!

DOUG : He recovered fast!

	(Air Raid clips Ramjet's wing, sending him crashing into the sand)
	RAMJET : (in robot mode) Ooooh...

PHIL : I'll give him SUCH a pinch...

	(Back to the griffin)
	MEGATRON : Rumble! Prepare fortress for takeoff!
	RUMBLE : You got it, boss!
	(The main doors to the griffin begin to close. Hasan runs for it but
	cannot make it in time.)

DOUG : Attention shoppers, the griffin is now closed. You're stuck here. Ha
	ha.

	(Large thrusters come out from the griffin's sides and it blasts off)
	(Slingshot is slill clinging to blast Off, who this time tries to
	scrape him off a cliff face)
	SLINGSHOT : Gotta hang on! Can't let the Combaticons unite into
		Bruticus!
	(Blast Off manages to fling Slingshot off, who land in the griffin's
	mane)
	BLAST OFF : Aerialbot weakling! Yo uneve had a chance!
	(Tendrils of the mane move and wrap arouns Slingshot)
	SLINGSHOT : NOOOOOOO!!!

SIPHER : It's got dandruff the size of dinner plates! AGH!!!

	BLAST OFF : Combaticons, we now UNITE!

ALL : UNION! UNION!

	(The Combaticons transform, merging into the giant Bruticus)
	BRUTICUS : And Bruticus will DESTROY.

SIPHER : And Bruticus' toy will be recolored eighteen times.

	(Bruticus swats Skydive away)
	SLINGSHOT : The guys are gonna get killed!
	HASAN : (vo) Not if I can help it!
	(Hasan crawls out from the griffin's eye)

PHIL : Eyuw, he's an ambulatory eye booger!

	(Hasan opens Slingshot's chest up, and installs the panel. Slingshot
	sparks for a second)
	SLINGSHOT : WHOAH.

DOUG : TRAILS, man!

	(Slingshot pulls out his pistol, blasting away the tendrils. He grabs
	Hasad and flies off.)
	SLINGSHOT : Now, LET'S KICK AFTERBURNERS!!!
	(Silverbolt circles Bruticus, who is trying to knock him away)

DOUG : (fly buzzing)

	AIR RAID : Hang on, Silverbolt!
	(Air Raid gets swatted. He hits the ground in robot mode)
	AIR RAID : Whoo. Last time I try THAT.
	(Shot of Hasad in Slingshot's cockpit)
	SLINGSHOT : Hang on tight, Hasan!

PHIL : (Hasan voice) What does THIS button do?

SIPHER : NO! AIEEEE!!!

	(Slingshot fires a missile with a claw on the end, attached to a big
	wire...)

DOUG : I think I saw this in a movie once about a million times.

	(The missile clamps to Bruticus' leg, the wire wraps around... and
	Bruticus falls over)
	HASAN : Slingshot, you did it!

SIPHER : (Hasan) You breifly inconvenienced him!

	(Fireflight flies up)
	FIREFLIGHT : Hi, guys, anything going on?

SIPHER : Pfhhh.

	SILVERBOLT : It's about time you got here!

PHIL : I'm slightly miffed at you, you know!

	SILVERBOLT : ... Unite and transform into SUPERION!
	(They do)

DOUG : Two big stupid inarticulate brutes... just like professional
	wrestling!

	(Superion rams into the now-upright Bruticus, knocking him on his
	backside)
	(Back to the griffin. Megatron has Bruticus on the veiwscreen)
	MEGATRON : Rumble, Frenzy! ANNIHILATE HIM!

SIPHER : Dude, he's on YOUR side!

	(The griffin fires, hitting Superion in the chest, who falls over.
	The griffin swoops in, but Superion kicks him away as he falls)

PHIL : Brilliant. Lovely.

	(The griffin flies backwards, collapsing an oil tower which spurts
	crude oil into the sky)

SIPHER : JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!

	(The Decepticons crawl out of the fallen griffin)

DOUG : That's IT? ONE kick and it's over?!

PHIL : They were better off with the drone jets!

SIPHER : Or even SPITBALLS.

	MEGATRON : (aiming his cannon at Ali) You'll be lucky if I let you
		LIVE, fool!
	(He stomps off, and slips in a huge puddle of crude oil. Everyone
	scatters as he falls on his butt)

PHIL : Dignity, thy name is Megatron!

	(Bruticus flips the charging Superion on over his back)

SIPHER : Wheeee!

	(Bruticus advances...)
	SUPERION : Aerialbots, SEPARATE!
	(They split)

DOUG : I want my albums back!

	(Bruticus flies through where Superion used to be, and lands on his
	back in front of the griffin.)
	SILVERBOLT : Aerialbots, ATTAAAACK!!!
	(They transform to jet mode. The oil-covered Bruticus gets up, but
	the 'Bots fire on the oil pool, setting it on fire.)

SIPHER : Oklahoma 1954! The oil fields are ablaze!

	(The fire reaches the oil plume, which ignites, sending the
	scattering Decepticons flying out of control and screaming into the
	distance)

PHIL : I haven't seen a dramatic battle like that since Bugs Bunny bested
	Yosemite Sam.

	(Nighttime at the palace)
	(Ali, still oil-soaked, stands in front of the Aerialbots)
	AIR RAID : So you threw the Prince out so you and MEgatron could
		rule the world together!

DOUG : A nearly flawless plan, yeah.

	(Air Raid picks up Ali)
	AIR RAID : I think we oughtta-
	SILVERBOLT : Maybe we should let Prince Jamal deal with him.
	SLINGSHOT : Yeah, if we can FIND him.

SIPHER : I'll check the wood chipper.

	(Hasan walks in in nice royal clothes)
	HASAN : And then again, it might be easier than you think!

DOUG : Okay, who saw this coming, hands up!

(All raise their hands)

	(We see a painting of Prince Jamal... and it looks like)
	SLINGSHOT : ... Hasad!
	ALI : I, I can see... THE BRAT IN THE BAZAAR! It was-
	HASAD : Me! Prince Jamal!

SIPHER : Or, the Brat Formerly Known As Prince Jamal!

	HASAD/JAMAL : I didn't know what you were up to, but thanks to my
		friend Slingshot and the rest of.. Slingshot, what's the
		matter?
	SLINGSHOT : I just remembered, your car...
	(The car grill magically fades back onto his chest)

PHIL : GAH! DEMON!

DOUG : HE'S A SHAPE-SHIFT- wait...

	HASAD/JAMAL : (laughing) My friend, I thought you knew! My hobby is
		rebuilding old junkers!
	(The grill keeps appearing and disappearing throughout the next shot)

ALL : (Reacting in horror every time it phases in and out)

	SLINGSHOT : (laughing) Great, 'cuz I really LIKE... hey! Did you just
		call me a junker?!

SIPHER : (Wreck-Gar voice) Don't look behind Door Number Two, Monty!

	HASAD/JAMAL : Don't worry, Slingshot. No matter what you're made of,
		you'll always be a Rolls Royce to me!

PHIL : (Dexter voice) Ha ha ha, now GET BACK IN MY LA*BOR*ATORY!

OFFSTAGE : _*LIGHTS!!!*_

(House lights on, stop tape)

***************************************************************************
SKIT 2 : EGG MCGUFFIN
***************************************************************************

SIPHER : Man. I think that was possibly the dumbest Evil-Invention-Slash-
	Alien-Device I've ever seen in the entire series.

PHIL : I gotta admit, that WAS pretty weak. Though I wouldn't say THE
	dumbest. Remember last year? When Megatron built that stationary
	cannon in the middle of nowhere, Argentina?

SIPHER : You mean the one that only gave Ironhide mild abrasions at point
	blank range and full power?

PHIL : That's the bunny.

DOUG : No wonder the Autobots only needed a steel plate to keep it capped.

PHIL : I hear they've got an oil derrick there now.

DOUG : Yeah, the cannon was pretty dumb, but what about the rechargers from
"Attack of the Autobots"?

SIPHER : Oh yeah! (Megatron voice) "Now that the Autobots have been charged
with negative energy, they're as evil as we are!"

PHIL : So the only difference between the Autobots and the Decepticons is
that one group's AC and the other's DC?

DOUG : Apparently.

SIPHER : AC/DC? Didn't Starscream sing lead vocals for that group?

(Slight pause while everyone thinks about that)

SIPHER : anyway, I still can't get over the hypno-chips from "The Ultimate
Doom". One little chip is all it takes to turn someone into a mindless
drone? Pffft.

DOUG : Yeah, where's the chicken blood and little dolls?

SIPHER : (Giving Doug a weird look) If he was REALLY smart, Dr. Archeville could have sold it to GM and retired richer than Bill Gates.

PHIL : Wouldn't the UAW complain?

DOUG : For what, copying their schtick?

SIPHER : (chortle)

PHIL : Hey, how about the Pearl of Bahoudin?

SIPHER : The what of who?

PHIL : It was in "The Trans-Europe Express."

SIPHER : The Trans-What What?

DOUG : It was a pearl that controlled the weather.

(Doug and Sipher get "I don't believe this shit" expressions on their faces)

SIPHER : HOW?

DOUG : A pearl's not an evil-invention-slash-alien-device, Phil.

PHIL : Yeah, but it's still dumb.

SIPHER : Dumber than the Oracle?

DOUG : Yowch. The Oracle wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so completely fallible and kept changing from sentient thing with its own plans to some brainless harddrive that does whatever any schmuck tells it to.

PHIL : Dumber than a floating mountain of Energon crystals, at any rate.

DOUG : Just say NO to raw, unrefined Energon, kids.

SIPHER : Only buy processed Energon from respectable companies that are allowed to advertise on TV, kids!

DOUG : Was that a social message?

SIPHER : (ignoring Doug) Still, that wasn't as bad as the Transmetal 2
driver. I mean, here's this THING that comes COMPLETELY out of left field, whose only purpose is to spit out new Transmetal 2 toys like some weird-ass Pez dispenser.

DOUG : So true.

PHIL : No way! The DUMBEST doohickey ever in Transformers history has to be
the organic goo at Cybertron's core. It cripples robots! It makes
plants grow at super-speed! It's programmable! And it tastes great!

DOUG : He's got a point. How do you program nougat?

SIPHER : Well, it's a tough call ... but I'm sticking with... um... phoo. Since the pain is fresh, I'm going with the griffin.

PHIL : No, the goo!

SIPHER : The griffin!

PHIL : The goo!

DOUG : Okay, okay, okay... Let's face it, guys -- cheesy inventions and
goofball gimmicks are a fundamental part of the Transformers mythos.

SIPHER : Maybe, but I don't have to LIKE it. Although I am forced to admit I'm going to use my own cheap gimmick right now.

PHIL : Oh? What is it?

OFFSTAGE : _*LIGHTS!!!*_

(House lights off, start tape)

***************************************************************************
EPISODE 2 : G1 - DARK AWAKENING
***************************************************************************

	(Space; an Autobot shuttle is being pursued by Decepticons)
	SPIKE : The Decepticons are creaming us!

PHIL : Soon they'll be adding butter and chives!

DOUG : Oh CRAP, bacon bits!!

	(Inside the Decepticon flagship, Galvatron talks to the Quintessons
	over a viewscreen)
	QUINTESSON 1 : You see, Galvatron, we kept our word. We lead you
		straight to the Autobot leader.
	QUINTESSON 2 : And now he is yours to destroy.
	GALVATRON : Oh, yes, you are loyal allies, so long as it suits your
		purposes! (He blasts the screen)

SIPHER : Whoah, Elvistron!

	GALVATRON : Fortunately, your purposes coincide with mine... for the
		moment.
	SCOURGE : They're getting away!
	GALVATRON : Launch torpedoes!
	(Torpedoes are launched)

PHIL : They're not getting out of here without recreating another sequence
	from the movie!

	RODIMUS : Company's coming.
	ULTRA MAGNUS : We can't outrun them, not with an engine down.
	RODIMUS PRIME : Then there's only one option...

DOUG : Damn him for making us recreate another sequence fro mthe movie!

	{The shuttle explodes as the torpedoes hit it}
	CYCLONUS : The end of Rodimus Prime!

SIPHER : You know, I think Cyc there needs to be the next Dumbass
	Transformer of the Month.

	GALVATRON : Ahead full speed. I wish to examine the debris, and make
		certain.
	(Sigil scene shift)
	ARCEE : We launched the life pod just in time.
	MAGNUS : Yes, but without communications, it could be months untill
		we're found.
	SPIKE : Hah, swell. What do Daniel and I do when the air runs out?

PHIL : What makes you think you're lasting that long?

	RODIMUS : Maybe we can dock at that...whatever up ahead.
	DANIEL : What is it?
	RODIMUS : We'll know when we get there, kid. Let's just hope it's
		friendly.

DOUG : I think it's a... giant... space walrus? The hell?

PHIL : With photon flippers or something?

	(Sigil scene shift)
	(Decepticon warship)
	SCOURGE : (Uncertain} There's something big out there.
	CYCLONUS : Alter course to intercept?
	(Galvatron nods)

PHIL : (As Picard) Make it BWAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

	(Sigil scene shift)
	{An enourmous platform-type station comes into view}
	DANIEL : It's awesome.

DOUG : Radical!

PHIL : Excellent!

SIPHER : Bossa nova!

DOUG & PHIL : "Bossa nova"?

	DANIEL : What's wrong? What is that thing?
	ARCEE : A tomb.

SIPHER : (groanin) PLEASE tell me we're not gonna see Lara Croft...

PHIL : Ugh.

	KUP : As a final resting place for the Autobots we lost in the last
		great war.
	DANIEL : Like... Optimus Prime?
	(The Autobots nod)
	(The escape pod approaches the docking bay)
	DANIEL : Do - do we have to go inside?
	RODIMUS PRIME : Nothing in there can hurt us, Daniel.

DOUG : Rod's never seen a (???) film, has he?

	(The shuttle lands near a humongous veil of mist)
	KUP : That's the Veil of Remembrance. A memorial to the Autobot
		heroes whose chassis and servos rest here.

PHIL : (crying) No, not Tom Servo too!

	SPIKE : I liked it better from the outside.
	(Daniel wanders off)

DOUG : Time to do something stupid!

	(He walks by the Autobot graves, reading off the names)
	DANIEL : Ironhide. Ratchet. Prowl. Huffer.

PHIL : SEE?! NO BRAWN!

	(We see Daniel's back. A pair of blue-and-white robot legs appear.)
	(Daniel pushes a button, and the lights go out)
	DANIEL : Ugh. Oh no! 
	(He hits the button repeatedly. The lights go on, he turns around and
	sees a devastated Optimus Prime.)

DOUG : I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!!!

	(Daniel screams and runs away. He accidentally hits a button with his
	shoulder, a door opens and a dead robot falls out)

SIPHER : The Autobots need to lie on the floor to open tombs here?

	(Daniel screams and runs away again. He learly slams into another
	pair of legs...)
	RODIMUS : What's wrong?
	DANIEL : {Panting} I saw him!
	MAGNUS : Saw whom?

PHIL : Kaiser Soze! I'm a dead man!

	DANIEL : Optimus. Optimus Prime!
	ARCEE : The shadows in here can play tricks on you, Daniel.
	DANIEL : But it was him! You believe me, don't you, dad?

SIPHER : I sure do, son. BLBLBLBLBLBLBLLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBL!

	RODIMUS : There's only one way to find out.
	KUP : You're gonna open his tomb?
	MAGNUS : A waste of energy. Our reserves...

DOUG : ... won't be eaten up by taking two minutes to do this.

	RODIMUS : The burial chamber is on the other side of the Veil. Come
		on.

PHIL : So if you're NOT behind the veil, you're a loser and a schmuck,
	right, got it.

	(Sigil scene shift)
	(The Autobots enter the burial chamber, they approach Optimus'
	coffin)
	RODIMUS : Optimus Prime. If he were alive, I'd know. The Matrix would
		have told me, somehow.

DOUG : It'd have passed me a note in Bio, at least.

	RODIMUS  : I've got to be sure.
	ARCEE : Rodimus, no!
	(Rodimus Prime opens Optimus Prime's tomb)

SIPHER : Mr. Lugosi?!

	DANIEL : It's empty. I told ya!
	(The Decepticon background theme begins)
	RODIMUS : The Decepticons!

PHIL : I'd recognize that theme music anywhere!

	(The Autobots go through the Veil, and into a hail of laser fire)
	MAGNUS : There are too many of them!
	KUP : ONE Decepticon is one too many!

DOUG : So two is three many, right?

	GALVATRON : FORWARD!!!
	(He fires, destrying the Autobot's life pod)
	KUP : At least this beats seein' ghosts!

PHIL : Or seeing Tom Green. BLECH!!!

	(A bolt heads for Spike and Daniel, Arcee jumps in front of them and
	takes it in the shin.)

SIPHER : Yeah, the girl ALWAYS breaks her shin or something...

	DANIEL : Arcee!
	ARCEE : It's okay. Only an exo-structure wound.
	RODIMUS : Back! It's our only chance!
	GALVATRON : We have them. Finish it!

DOUG : (Bored) Yeah, yeah, Mortal Kombat.

	(The Decepticons chase the Autobots through the Veil. One of
	Galvatron's blasts throws the Autobots to the floor)

	GALVATRON : How convenient, Rodimus. We can lay your wreckage beside
		that of your mentor!

SIPHER : With Mentos fresh and full of death!

	(A blast strikes Galvatron)
	(They turn... and Optimus Prime stands with gun drawn)
	OPTIMUS PRIME : Decepticons, leave this place... or DIE!
	GALVATRON : Optimus Pri-
	(He gets shot again and falls over)
	(The Sweeps flee)

PHIL : (meekly) Mother!

	(Cyclonus drags the unconcious Galvatron with him as he retreats) 	CYCLONUS : Cowards! Fight on!

SIPHER : While I run away wetting myself!

	(The Decepticons retreat)
	MAGNUS : Hold your fire! We've driven them off.
	DANIEL : Yeah. Thanks to...
	(Optimus steps through the Veil)
	DANIEL :...him.

DOUG : (Optimus zombie voice) PEPSI BRINGS YOUR ANCESTORS BACK FROM THE
	DEAD!!!

	(commercial)
	(we're back)
	RODIMUS : Optimus. What - what are your commands, sir?

DOUG : (zombie voice) EVERYBODY CONGA!

	(Optimus grabs Rodiumus, groaning)
	OPTIMUS : Is it safe?

SIPHER : Oh man, he's gonna strap Rodimus to a dentists' chair!

	RODIMUS : The Matrix. Yes, I've been keeping it warm for you.

DOUG : Eyuw.

	(Rodimus starts to take the matrix out...)
	MAGNUS : Wait. Optimus is in no condition to assume leadership.

PHIL : You've been pessimistic this whole trip! Do you need a nap or
	something?

	KUP : That's the point, sonny. What happened, Optimus?
	OPTIMUS : Darkness. Cold. Then, light.

DOUG : Then... pudding. I don't know why.

	DANIEL : Maybe he was in a, you know, a coma.
	SPIKE : Possible.
	RODIMUS : Hey, he's here, he's back, and who cares how?
	OPTIMUS : Must... complete... plan.

SIPHER : No-one understands. No-one... knows my plan...

	RODIMUS : Yeah. What's the plan?
	(Sigil scene change)
	(Optimus Prime walks to a ship)
	ARCEE : Optimus built himself an escape ship.
	RODIMUS : Still think he's unfit to lead us?

DOUG : So he passed Metal Shop, big whoop.

	KUP : Wait, Rodimus!
	(Rodimus takes the Matrix fro mits housing in his chest)
	RODIMUS : Sir, this is yours.
	OPTIMUS : (Groaning) No. No. No!
	(Struggling, he takes the Matrix and puts it in his chest housing}
	(Rodimus shrinks... becoming Hot Rod again)
	HOT ROD : All right, Hot Rod is back. Let's party!

DOUG : Let's kick over some gravestones!

	OPTIMUS : Forgive me.
	HOT ROD : Huh? For what?
	(Optimus shoots Hot Rod)

PHIL : THAT'S for getting me killed in the movie!

	OPTIMUS : What... have I done?
	(He goes to a console)
	OPTIMUS : Must... complete... mission.
	COMPUTER : Auto destruct activated.

SIPHER : Okay, now, has ANYONE in the whole of recorded history EVER made
	ANYTHING with a self-destruct function in real life?!

DOUG : Windows '95.

SIPHER : I mean INTENTIONAL self-destruct functions.

DOUG : So did I.

	(The Autobots come to)
	ARCEE : Optimus...he...
	HOT ROD : He didn't kill us; he must have some plan.

PHIL : Wake UP, twit.

	KUP : More like a recipe for Autobot fondue.
	MAGNUS : We're on a collision course with that red sun!

SIPHER : (Panicky) Fun fun fun in the sun sun sun!

	(sigil scene shift)
	(Back on Cybertron, Optimus talks in front of a crowd of Autobots)
	OPTIMUS : Rodimus. Kup. Ultra Magnus and Arcee. They gave their lives
		so that I might return to Cybertron.
	PERCEPTOR : Daniel? And Spike?

SIPHER : Ever see a Southern Barbecue? Like that.

	OPTIMUS : The Quintessons left no survivors.
	GRIMLOCK : Quintessons! Me Grimlock STOMP QUINTESSONS FLAT INTO
		GROUND!
	(Grimlock stomps around in a little dance for far too long)

DOUG : Diarhea is like Grimlock stomping inside you.

	OPTIMUS : We will mobilise all our forces, and move against the
		Quintessons.
	SPRINGER : Those five-faced tentacled slime are gonna pay for this
		but good! (Clenches his fist, quietly) I mean it, Arcee.

SIPHER : I'll drink nothing but your cola in rememberance.

	(sigil scene shift)
	(An unkown location, several Quints watch a viewscreen)
	QUINT 1 : The entire Autobot fleet moves to attack us.
	QUINT 2 : Precisely as we predicted.
	QUINT 3 : May I propose an anticipatory snicker of triumph?

PHIL : You guys USED to be cruel psychotic sadists! You were ENTERTAINING
	then! What HAPPENED?!

	(sigil scene shift)
	KUP : Say your goodbyes, folks. We won't be seein' this place -or
		the heroes in it- ever again. Nobody will.
	MAGNUS : Let's just hope this little improvisation gets us home.

SIPHER : Remember, each sentance must begin with a successive letter of the
	alphabet, and we only have ninety seconds before Drew buzzes us!

	(They all board the junk ship and fly away. As the leave it behind,
	the mausoleum crashes into the sun)
	MAGNUS : Set couse for Cybertron.

DOUG : I was thinking Oxnard, but your idea is MUCH better!

	(sigil scene shift)
	(The junk shuttle heads towards Cybertron)
	MAGNUS : The retro thrusters aren't breaking fast enough!
	KUP : Brace for crash landing!

	(Inside the Autobot HQ, Sludge and Snarl watch the shuttle through a
	window. Sludge pushes Snarl out of the way...)

PHIL : Don't sit so close to the TV, it's bad for your eyes!

	(The ship crashes through the wall where they were standing)

PHIL : See?

	(The Autobots crawl out of the wreckage)
	ARCEE : Sludge! Snarl! Are we glad to see you!
	SLUDGE : Me Sludge not glad to see you!
	SNARL : You all DEAD!
	(Sludge and Snarl look at each other in confusion, a natural state)
	SLUDGE : Maybe WE dead.

SIPHER : And I haven't done anything that I want, or I'm still alive and
	there's nothing I want to do.

	SLUDGE : All go smash Quintessons.
	MAGNUS : Quintessons? What have Quintessons got to do with any of
		this?

	SNARL : They kill you. Optimus Prime say so. Uh-oh... something not
		right.

DOUG : Yeah, I'd say leaving a whole planet in the hands of two idiots
	isn't right.

	ARCEE : He's taken the whole fleet!
	(sigil scene change)
	OPTIMUS : That central planet is the Quintesson's new base.

PHIL : This December, from Disney!

	PERCEPTOR : We'll send our patrols.
	OPTIMUS : And lose the element of surprise? *I* am in command here
		Perceptor.
	PERCEPTOR : Of... course, Prime. But-
	BLURR : ExcuseMe! PriorityOneSignComingThroughFor-

SIPHER : SUUUUURRRGE!!!!

	BLURR : Important! ThisIsForPrime! MessageReceivedFromCybertron: 			Urgent! Item:RodimusUltraMagnusKupArceeDanielAndSpikeSafe! Will
		JoinFleetShortly! RecommendToHoldAttack!
	PERCEPTOR : They're alive!
	OPTIMUS : A cunning Quintesson trick. A fake message.

DOUG : Yeah, they're a regular Mori-frickin-arty.

	OPTIMUS : Full speed ahead!
	(The Quint hideout)
	QUINT 1 : Excellent. The Autobots have no idea that the central
		planet is a decoy.

SIPHER : (Quint) Available free with the purchase of any carded	Transformer. Collect all 40.

	QUINT 3 : Perhaps we should seek some cover.
	QUINT 1 : No! Place your faith in our defense systems.

PHIL : (X-Wing pilot voice) Almost there...

	QUINT 1 : FIRE!!!
	(The asteroids open up to reveal a multitude of cannons. They fire,
	tearing up Autobot ships)
	QUINT 1 : This won't even be a war.
	QUINT 2 : Merely an exercise in... extermination.

SIPHER : I guess they took the Dalek home study course.

	(commercial)
	(A repeat shot of Autobot ships being blown away)

DOUG : They're killing people TWICE!

	(Hot Rod & co.'s shuttle)
	ARCEE : We're too late.
	HOT ROD : Radio Prime's flagship. We gotta stop him.
	MAGNUS : Intercept One to flagship...

PHIL : Lick me!

	(Sigil scene change)
	BLURR : HotRodUltraMagnusKupArceeDanielSpikeSaysImperative! Urgent
		PriorityOneNoKidding! HoldAttackAndCanTheyComeAboard?
	OPTIMUS : They live? (Groans) Impossible. Another Quintesson trick.
		Destroy the interceptor!
	{A hole is blasted in the side of the ship, Hot Rod and crew fly out)

SIPHER : It's like some freakazoid pinata!

	(Back on the flagship, Perceptor shoves his way to a telescope.)

SIPHER : Gimme a quarter!

PHIL : Dude, you turn INTO one of those!

DOUG : No, he's a MICROscope.

PHIL : He pulled that telescope shtick before, he can pull it again.

	PERCEPTOR : Identification positive! Rescue teams, stand by.

ALL : RESCUE ROY!!!

	(Quint hideout)
	QUINT 1 : A complication?
	QUINT 2 : Ninety-six percent probability this discovery will only
		confuse the Autobots more.

DOUG : Mid-afternoon SHOWERS confuse Autobots.

	QUINT 3 : And our defenses will still force them toward the
		detonator.
	(A viewscreen shows a simulation of the Autobot fleet moving towards
	the trap.)
	QUINT 1 : And once they are in range...
	(The simulatio nshows a tremendous explosion)
	QUINT 1 : ... there can be no escape.

	(Sigil scene change)

	WHEELIE : ??? Rodimus is alive!
	HOT ROD : I don't care how... turn this ship around. I'm goin'
		Optimus-hunting.

SIPHER : (Elmer Fudd chuckle)

	SPRINGER : The blast doors to the command center are locked!
	(Hot Rod breaks through the doors)

SIPHER : Brawn Rod!

	HOT ROD : Optimus? Front and center.
	OPTIMUS PRIME : I've been waiting.
	HOT ROD : I - I'm taking command.
	OPTIMUS PRIME : What... took... you so long? (Groans) What... did
		they... do to me?
	(Flashback scene wave)

ALL : Doodlydoot! Doodlydoot! Doodlydoot!

	(Optimus lays on a table, with several Quints working on his body)
	QUINT 1 : And some lingering remnants of his memory, and personality.

SIPHER : THAT was hard to find.

(Doug snickers)

	QUINT 2 : But without our circuit implants, he would be utterly
		mindless, an ordinary machine.
	QUINT 3 : A robotic zombie.

DOUG : Resistor Evil 3: Code Optimus.

	(Flashback ends)
	(Optimus yells out in pain)
	HOT ROD : You're very sick. Let me help.
	OPTIMUS : I... have to... ARRRRHHHH!!!

PHIL : Have a seizure!

	(Optimus shoots at Hot Rod. Smoke fills the room)
	HOT ROD : I don't wanna fight you!
	OPTIMUS : Then... stop me!
	HOT ROD : How? What do I do?

ALL : FIGHT HIM, DINK!

	OPTIMUS : PLEASE, Rodimus!
	(Optimus fires at shadows in the smoke...)
	(Hot Rod yells in pain)
	OPTIMUS : NO! NO!
	(Optimus looks around... and Hot Rod leaps out from behind him.)
	HOT ROD : Ha-ha! Fooled you!

PHIL : I replaced your regular coffee with Folger's crystals!

      OPTIMUS : Not again! Matrix makes me too strong!

SIPHER : No beer and Matrix make Optimus GO CRAZY!

      HOT ROD : Now THERE's a unique complaint! URG!
	(Optimus gets Hot Rod in a hold)
      OPTIMUS : Uhn! If you lose... Autobots all destroyed!

DOUG : Is that a Full or Half Nelson?

PHIL : A Judd Nelson, actually.

SIPHER : Die.

	(Hot Rod breaks free, and throws Optimus against a wall. Prime's left
	arm is torn free as he hits) 

	HOT ROD : Thanks for the tip. Optimus, can we stop now?
	(Optimus yells and lunges, catching Hot Rod and knocking him down)
	OPTIMUS : You... should... have FINISHED ME!!!
	HOT ROD : Believe me, I tried.
	(Optimus points his cannon at Hot Rod)

ALL : (Beast Wars-style nervous intake of breath)

	(Suddenly, light shines through Optimus' chest... the Matrix)
	OPTIMUS PRIME : Until all... are... one.... Monsters. They made me
		their weapon, to destroy the very ones I loved in life.
	
DOUG : And you. Heh. But I kid.

	(Optimus takes out the Matrix and puts it into Hot Rod's chest)
	OPTIMUS : But YOU will save them, Rodimus... Prime.
	(Optimus walks away)

DOUG : I gotta go to the can.

SIPHER : Augh. AGAIN.

	(Arcee, Magnus, Kup and Spike rush in)
	ARCEE : Rodimus!
	MAGNUS : Thank the stars we found you in time!

SIPHER : Yeah, it took FOREVER to search THAT ONE HALLWAY!!! Jeez.

	RODIMUS : Optimus!
	KUP : The ship's bein' blown to pieces! We're evacuatin'!
	(sigil scene shift)
	(Optimus sits at the flagship's main controls)
	OPTIMUS : Optimus Prime to Autobot fleet: return to Cybertron. That
		is my final command.

DOUG : (Serpentor voice) THIS I COMMAND!

	(The fleet turns around)
	(Quint hideout...)
	QUINT 1 : What?
	QUINT 2 : The Autobot fleet is escaping!

PHIL : The elaborate trap had one minor flaw... the fleet could just TURN
	AROUND to escape.

	QUINT 1 : Direct all firepower on the flagship! Obliterate it!!
	(The cannons let loose, blowing huge holes in the flagship)



	QUINT 1 : It's not stopping!
	QUINT 2 : No Autobot could survive that!
	(Inside the flagship, Optimus Prime sits in the middle of a fiery
	blaze, torn to bits. Close-up, we see half his face has been blown
	off)

DOUG : Foam side, napalm side.

	(The flagship crashes into the detonator asteroid, and the suns go
	nova, atomizing everything nearby)

PHIL : Ka-flooey.

	KUP : Goodbye, old friend.
	(Spike and Arcee comfort a crying Daniel)
	MAGNUS : This nova will be his memorial.

SIPHER : And it's pre-blown-up, so that saves a step!

	RODIMUS : I don't know if I'll ever be the leader that you were, but
		for sure, I'm gonna try.

PHIL : (Janice voice) Fer SURRRRRRELY.

OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_

(House lights on, stop tape)

***************************************************************************
SKIT 3 : WAR FORK AND A CONTEMPT FOR PRANCING PONY PIRATES
***************************************************************************

PHIL : Ladies and gentlemen, last year we ran a Question and Answer
	segment. Well, it went so well we decided to do it again.

DOUG : Mostly because it means less actual writing.

SIPHER : Damn skippy.

PHIL : But we realized that even we may not have all the answers that hang
	on the pouty lips of you, our audience. So, after much preparation,
	we decided to enlist the help of an expert.

SIPHER : Yes, a statesman, an essayist, a visionary. Those who read the
	newsgroup alt.toys.transformers should be well aware of this
	person's contributions to the fandom and vast repotiore of knowledge.
	We are, of course, referring to... Trypticon_X.

(Wait for reaction, praying there IS one.)

OFFSTAGE : THAT idiot?!

DOUG : What else can we say that hasn't been said already? We've got him
	online now, we'll type in your questions and wait for his brilliant
	respsonses.

(Phil & Doug go into the audience to take questions back-and-forth, Sipher stays on-stage to type in the questions and relay Trypticon_X's answers.)

SIPHER : Okay, Tryppy, I have a question for you. "What do you think about
	this whole skit?"

(Trypticon_X's answer)

ALL : (reverently) Whoah.

OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_

(House lights off, start tape)

***************************************************************************
EPISODE 3 : BEAST WARS - CUTTING EDGE
***************************************************************************

	(Camera moves over a forest)

DOUG : So where's David Attenborough?

	(A group of early humans are travelling through the forest. The
	leader carries a large stone axe.)

PHIL : It's Grog Witwicky!

	(Something watches them in the woods...)

SIPHER : (singing but creeped out) Over the river and... through the
	woods...

	(A young girl picks up a flower and throws petals at what is
	presumably her brother.)

PHIL : Oh no. KIDS.

	(And older human stops to look at the falling petals... and we see
	the view of something as it charges at him)

SIPHER : (quickly as the thing charges) Hello sir would you like to try our
	new fragrance!

	(The leader turns around... the old one is gone, and something
	growls. He grunts out a warning and the others run away. He back up,
	watching...)

DOUG : Charlie was close. I could smell him.

	(A grey velociraptor with cyborg bits comes out of the bush)

PHIL : Jurassic Park 4: Judgement Day!

	(The leader turns and runs, the dino gives chase)

SIPHER : Actually, this is cooler than Jurassic Park 2 was.

DOUG : Yeah. More realistic.

	(The 'raptor fires beams from its eyes, missing its prey)

DOUG : Oh, I see, they're playing Laser Tag.

	(A tree catches fire...)

SIPHER : MOSES!

	(The dino looks for the missing anthropoid...)

DOUG : (dino voice) Ugh was close. I could smell him.

	(The two children are hiding under a tree's roots... teeth
	chatttering)

SIPHER : I DO believe in spooks I DO believe in spooks...

	(The raptor lunges, but can't quite reach them. The girl crawls out
	the other side and screams right into the camera)

PHIL : Ow, THERE'S a face I'll be seeing in my nightmares.

	(Optimus Primal (jet mode) and Silverbolt come out from over a hill)
	OPTIMUS : Protect those children!

SIPHER : Call Rescue Roy!

ALL : RESCUE ROY!!! WHOOOOO!!!

	(Silverbolt fires two wing-missiles but misses. The raptor retaliates
	with an eye-beam that's dead on target. Silverbolt goes crashing into
	the woods)

PHIL : Not much meat on a Fuzor, but you cook 'em right and them's GOOOOD
	eatin'.

	(Optimus fires a balst that sends the raptor flying against a rock...
	which unbalances another rock right above...)

DOUG : Here we go...

	(The rock falls and flattens the raptor)

DOUG : Yeah.

SIPHER : Squoosh.

PHIL : Always a classic.

	(Silverbolt comes out of the brush clutching his arm. Optimus
	transforms to robot mode and lands. The two children look up in awe)

SIPHER : Ooooh, mommy, buy me THAT toy!

	(Back at the Maximal base, a hologram of the cyber-raptor comes up)

PHIL : The raptor is ray-shielded, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes.

	RHINOX : Hm. Metallurgical analysis shows the component parts are
		made of Cybertronian alloys.
	OPTIMUS : So... Megatron's behind this.

DOUG : No, the cavemen are building cyber-raptors. Who did you THINK?!

	RHINOX : ... and fusing them with Transmetal technology... with
		possibly others.
	OPTIMUS : Which means... we could have trouble.
	(Rattrap walks down a corridor)

SIPHER : (singing quietly to himself) Do you belive in life after lo- (as
	Rattrap hears the door opening next to him) Huh?

	(He runs around the corner and peeks out... to see Blackarachnia
	exit, carrying a canister. She looks around, then stalks off.)
	(The cave-kids come running around the corner.)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Hey, watch where you're...
	(The canister falls from her claw. Rattrap watches as it rolls and
	one end opens up... a small tape reel rolls to the floor)

PHIL : She's stealing all the Thin Mints!

	(Cheetor comes running around the corner, accidently grabbing her)
	CHEETOR : Whoah! Uh... hi.

DOUG : Hyper teenagers groping clumsily at uninterested women... sounds
	like BotCon to me!

	CHEETOR : Sorry. They're just here until we can find... their...
	(Cheezy romantic music plays)

SIPHER : Oh no.

	(The music cuts off like someone took the needle off the record.
	Cheetor snaps out of it.)
	CHEETOR : Tribe.

PHIL : Called Quest.

	BLACKARACHNIA : Let GO of me.
	(She shoves him away)

SIPHER : Oh yeah. DEFINITLEY BotCon.

	CHEETOR : This was my fault, so uh, lemme help.
	(Blackarachnia kneels down to pick up the tape reel as Rattrap
	spies.)

SIPHER : (Rattrap) Ey, that's my copy of Negativland's U2 single!

	(The children are now in the control room. The boy sits down on one
	of the chairs. His sister pushes a button on the arm rest, starting
	it spinning.

DOUG : I had one of those as a kid. Still use it to this day.

	OPTIMUS : Someone needs to escort the children back to their tribe.
		Blackarachnia?

PHIL : Find someone for me.

	BLACKARACHNIA : Me? Ugh. Give the job to someone who can fly.

DOUG : I'll get Peter Pan on the horn.

	RHINOX : Hmm. Our sensors won't register organics properly. Not much
		chance of locating the tribe from the air.
	OPTIMUS : The children will have to lead the way... on foot.

SIPHER : (Singing) ROBOTS OBEY WHAT THE CHILDREN SAY!

	BLACKARACHNIA : Ugh. Make my day.

DOUG : PUNK.

	OPTIMUS : A dangerous one, but necessary.
	(Optimus lifts his right hand. The girl is swinging back and forth on
	his index finger.)
	OPTIMUS : The cyber-raptors are Megatron's handiwork, and you know
		Megatron better than anyone.

	RATTRAP : Everything is little eight-legged lieutenant?

	OPTIMUS : Rattrap... be quiet.
	BLACKARACHNIA : Terrific. Me and the junior forest rangers.

DOUG : Hey, better than the Galaxy Rangers. Yeeg

	(The spinning chair stops and the boy stumbles out, dizzy.)
	SILVERBOLT : I'll accompany her.

PHIL : Must kill my LONELY!

	OPTIMUS : Negative. You've sustained damage. And besides, I want
		Blackarachnia's FULL attention on the job at hand.
	CHEETOR : I'll go with her!

SIPHER : Must kill *MY* LONELY!

	(Silverbolt's frowns.)
	OPTIMUS : Agreed.

DOUG : (Nelson) Ha-ha!

	(Blackie shakes her head and stalks off. Silverbolt glares at
	Cheetor. Cheetor half-glares back.)
	OPTIMUS : The rest of us will stay here.

SIPHER : And clean up the MESS. What did those kids EAT?!

	(Silverbolt fumes...)
	(Outside shot. Cheetor, BA, and the two children walk out of the
	base's front door. Pan over to see a camera tracking them. Rhinox
	sits at a console with the group walking past in his display.)
	RHINOX : Is it just me, or is our boy looking particularly bushy-
		tailed today?

PHIL : Perv.

	RATTRAP : Eh, it's the web lady I'm wonderin' about. Call me
		paranoid...

DOUG : And Paranoid, you can call me Al!

	Rattrap : ... but I don't trust Preds. I don't trust spiders. And I
		don't trust dames who sneak in and out of classified areas when
		they think nobody's watchin.
	RHINOX : What're you saying?

PHIL : Will you marry me?

	RATTRAP : ... that our little spider-chum... (Rattrap turns in his
		chair as Silverbolt enters the room) is a credit to her web-
		spinning species, and I don't know WHAT we ever did without
		her.

SIPHER : We took less cold showers, for one.

	(Back in the wild, the boy step up beside Cheetor, pointing and
	grunting)
	CHEETOR : That way, huh?

DOUG : It's like a Dada-esque version of "Lassie".

	(The girl tugs at Blackarachnia's leg)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Don't bug me kid, your forehead slopes.
	(Overhead, Megatron's spycam is watching)
	MEGATRON : (chuckles) Yes. Very good. They prey's in the field, so
		let the hunt begin! (Laughs)
	(The camera zooms in on Megatron's mouth to blackout.)

SIPHER : Crest! Crest!

	(Cheetor, in beast mode, flies around with the boy on his back.)
	CHEETOR : Ready? Hang on!
	(He accelerates, and the two whoop it up.)
	(Back o nthe ground, Blackie shakes her head.)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Guys. They're only young once, but they can act
		juvenile forever.

SIPHER : That's MY plan.

DOUG & PHIL : SAME.

	(The girl is playing with half of a hollowed-out coconut husk. BA
	taps at her tricorder-like device.)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Hmm. I can't get a reading.

	(The girl puts the coconut husk on her head like a helmet.
	Blackarachnia bangs the side of her scanner.)

PHIL : Last time I buy from Radio Shack...

	(The girl mimicks her actions)

DOUG : Wow. Literal monkey-see-monkey-do.

	(Blackie looks down at the girl, who smiles at her.)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Ugh.
	(Cheetor lands and chuckles)
	Cheetor: Totally cute! She wants to be you!

PHIL : Not without extensive surgery.

	(Black gets down face-to-face with the girl.)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Let's get this straight, okay? I'm a black widow
		spider. I don't make friends, I can't stand kids...

DOUG : Good, because a spider-wolf-eagle Fuzor would be REALLY disturbing.

	BLACKARACHNIA : This is pointless. How do you squelch someone who
		communicates in cave paintings?

SIPHER : It's like posting to ATT.

	(Cheetor transforms to robot mode.)
	CHEETOR : She just thinks you're kinda cool. And... you know what?
	BLACKARACHNIA : Don't. Even. Start.

DOUG : If they'd had him nuetered there wouldn't BE this trouble.

	(Overhead, a raptor watches them from atop a cliff. On BA's scanner,
	a red bull's-eye on its display blinks)

PHIL : There's a Target nearby! They have Beast Machines on discount!

	(Black looks at the scanner. The raptor's POV as it leaps down at
	them)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Look out!!

SIPHER : A point-of-view shot!

ALL : (panic)

	(The dive away from the raptor. Cheetor grabs the kids and leaps to a
	branch on a dead tree.)

DOUG : Oh, GREAT, call the fire department...

	(Blackarachnia pulls out her crossbow and fires. The raptor takes a
	few shots, but fires its lasers. BA ducks behind a boulder.)
	CHEETOR : You like this little maneuver?
	(Cheetor uses the branch as a springboard, flipping over and firing
	at the raptor on his way down. The blast connects, knocking it over.
	But as it falls, it fires its lasers, striking Cheetor in mid-air)

PHIL : Heh. Yeah, that little maneuver WAS pretty funny.

	(Blackie shakes her head.)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Two choices... One, bail out of here like any self-
		respecting spider, or Two...
	(She looks up to the children cowereing on the tree branch.)
	BLACKARACHNIA : ... play Little Miss Hero like some sort of pathetic
		warm-blood.



	BLACKARACHNIA : Ugh. Sometimes I disgust myself.

DOUG : Wait until Beast Machines, honey.

	(She turns and fires her machineguns at the raptor, nailing it
	repeatedly. She stops firing, and transforms to spider mode, then
	leaps up, grabbing the kids off the branch then over the side of the
	cliff.)
	(BA drops lower, hanging from webbing. She drops the kids a few feet
	from the ground.)

SIPHER : Signed,

PHIL : Sealed,

DOUG : And delivered.

	(BA lands in front of Cheetor and reverts to robot mode. The raptor
	peers over the edge of the cliff. It gives up.)

SIPHER : Well, they were probably sour anyway.

	BLACKARACHNIA : Here's the plan. You fly the brats back to base, then
		come and get me.

PHIL : Bring a Hefty bag.

	CHEETOR : Not gonna work. I can't fly. My jet got damaged in the
		fall.
	BLACKARACHNIA : Oh, GREAT. I get stuck with the one cat in the world
		who lands on his HEAD.

DOUG : At least there's plenty of cushioning there.

	(Cheetor tries to use an arm-radio.)
	CHEETOR : Cheetor to Optimus. We've got a problem here.

SIPHER : My pickup lines are failing!

	(Blackarachnia tries her radio.)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Blackarachnia to anyone. Come in! Someone's jamming
		our signals!

DOUG : "Radio Free Cybertron" my butt.

	(We see the group from overhead... something is watching them, and
	transmitting the image to Megatron inside his base.)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Three guesses who that would be.

SIPHER : Jim J. Bullock.

PHIL : Harvey Keitel.

DOUG : And Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.

	(In the Predacon base)
	INFERNO : The traitoress can now be destroyed, royalty! (Laughs) And
		the cat as well!
	MEGATRON : Yess. But not too quickly, for I have a greater plan
		in mind. Waspinator, Tarantulas, to your mission!
	TARANTULAS : With pleasure, Megatron! A chance to field-test an
		amusing little device I developed!
	(Zoom in on a gun in Tarantulas' hands.)

SIPHER : (Tarantulas voice) A Super-Soaker!

DOUG : Soaking wet Blackarachnia.

PHIL : THERE'S some poor schmuck's fantasy.

	(Megatron gestures towards some raptors on another hover-pad.)
	Megatron : And a few companions, to amuse you further!

DOUG : Gee, dad, pets? You're swell!

	MEGATRON : CRY HAVOC, AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR!!!

PHIL : The dogs' slips are showing!

	(Inside Maximal base. Several Maximals wander around the command
	table.)
	OPTIMUS : Cheetor, Blackarachnia, do you read me?
	(Static.)
	SILVERBOLT : Something has gone wrong! She is in danger, I... I can
		feel it!

DOUG : His Spidey-Sense is tingling!

SIPHER : That's not ALL that's tingling.

	RATTRAP : Eh, maybe the two of 'em just decided to take a little
		break! (chuckles lewdly)
	SILVERBOLT : (pissed) If that innuendo were not beneath my contempt,
		RODENT, you would be required to give satisfaction!

PHIL : I thought that was Bootierachnia's job.

SIPHER : G'night everybody!

	RATTRAP : (To Rhinox) Eh, I forget. Did he talk like this before, or
		did fallin' in love do somethin' to his circuits?
	OPTIMUS : I don't like this either. I'm gonna fly out and have a look
		around.
	SILVERBOLT : I'm coming with you!
	OPTIMUS : I can handle it, Silverbolt.

SIPHER : Cram it, bird-dog.

	SILVERBOLT : If my lady is in danger, then my place is at her side!
	OPTIMUS : (pause, then a sigh) As you wish.

DOUG : Ah, so he ws Carey Elwes all along!

	OPTIMUS : (To Rattrap & Rhinox) You two stay here. And double-check
		the defenses.
	(Optimus and Silverbolt transform and take to the air.)
	RATTRAP : Eh, typical. Who gets stuck with all the work? The RAT gets
		stuck with all the work. While everyone ELSE goes on a
		slaggin' picnic.
	(He throws a tool to the ground in disgust.)

SIPHER : (Rattrap) Eh, take this job and...

	(Outside the base, Optimus and Silverbolt fly off. However, Megatron,
	Inferno, Rampage and Quickstrike, all in beast mode, are waiting not
	too far away.)
	MEGATRON : Ah, exactly as I anticipated... the base is undermanned
		and unprotected... ours for the asking.
	QUICKSTRIKE: Aww, now, we ain't gonna ASK, are we? How's about we
		just BLAST our way in there, *SLAG* EVERYBODY *AND TAKE IT!!!*

SIPHER : NOBODY TOUCHES PETE'S PIECE!!!

	MEGATRON : (thinks) Hmmm. Okay!
	(They all laugh)

ALL : (snickers)

	MEGATRON : Predacons, TERRORIZE!!!
	(Megatron, Inferno and Quickstrike transform to robot mode. Rampage
	transforms to tank mode and rolls forward, also being used as the
	scene	transition device.)
	(Cheetor, Blackarachnia, and the children walk through a field of
	boulders on a plain. One of the children grunts.)
	CHEETOR : That's where you live, is it?

PHIL : Not bad. It got a pool? What's the damage deposit?

	(The girl slowly turns around... and screams. A group of raptors run
	along the canyon behind the Maximals, with Waspinator flying overhead
	and Tarantulas advancing in cycle mode.)

ALL : TARRRRRRRRRANTUALLLLLLLAS!!!!

	(Tarantulas and the velociraptors fire. The Maximalsuse the boulders
	as cover, though the children peek out from behind them.)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Stay down!
	(BA stands up, turns around, and fires her machineguns. Cheetor also
	fires back. Waspinator fires at Cheetor... a zoom-in on Cheetor as
	the missile strikes.)

SIPHER : (Waspy) Waspinator wins stuffed pony!

	(Blackie fires her crossbow at Waspinator, who dodges and flies off.
	Black check on the kids, then turns to see two raptor advancing on
	the fallen Cheetor... but shot rain down, scattering the dinos.)

PHIL : DEATH FROM ABOVE!	

	(Silverbolt and Optimus fly overhead)
	SILVERBOLT : Hang on, my soul's delight!!

	(The raptor gets hit and is thrown back, as Optimus transforms and
	lands beside Cheetor.)
	OPTIMUS : Cheetor!
	CHEETOR : Big Bot! Are you a sight for sore eyes!

PHIL : That orange hurts my retinas!

	(Optimus reaches down to help Cheetor up... and we get a missile's
	POV as it homes in Oppy's rear end. Optimus REACTS as he arrow finds
	its mark.)

SIPHER : (Velvet Jones voice) I got "Shot in de Butt By Love!"

	(Optimus' arms flail around.)
	CHEETOR : What is it?

DOUG : He's doing the Froog!

	(Shot of the arrow sticking out of Optimus' rear, then a pan around
	to his front. Pink sparks dance across his body.)
	OPTIMUS : (Struggling to speak) Uh, some... sort of... Transmetal...
		(he yells in pain, and falls to his knees) Cybervenom...
	(He falls down fully, face-first.)
	(Tarantulas laughs like a madman, with some odd gyrations.)

PHIL : (singing) Now it's the pelvic thrust...

	(The Maximal base entrance. The Preds approach. Megatron fires,
	destroying an external camera)

DOUG : We're fine, we're all fine here, everything's fine. How are you?

	(Inferno laughs as he blasts another camera. Quickstrike fires,
	destroying a gun emplacement.)

SIPHER : (Pete) COME ON OUT, BRISCO!

	(Rampage rams the door.)
	(Inside, Rhinox stumbles as the base shakes. Rattrap falls over)
	RATTRAP : Oof! Oh man, looks like we got company!

DOUG : And my silk dress is still at the cleaners!

	(The Preds fire at all once. The front door is blown open. Megatron
	runs up to the side and peers in. Inferno follows suit on the
	opposite side.)
	MEGATRON : Quickstrike, you may lead.
	QUICKSTRIKE : YEAH, that's what I like ta hear!
	(He runs in)
	INFERNO : Royalty, why was I not chosen?

PHIL : Low SATs?

	MEGATRON : Because, Inferno, when expecting boobytraps...
	(Quickstrike strides through thr entrance. One of the walls slides
	closer to him, while a giant metal fist slams into him, throwing him
	against the advancing wall.
	MEGATRON : ... always send the boob in first.
	(Quickstrike groans as stars float around his head with tweety bird
	noises.)

SIPHER : Look! Stars! Ready when you are, Raoul!

	(Inside, Rhinox taps at a computer console)
	RHINOX : Auto-guns online!

PHIL : If you gotta turn them on manually, then they're not really auto-
	guns, are they?

	(An internal gun emplacement powers up. Rhinox runs through the base,
	whipping out his Badass Chainguns of Doom)

ALL : THE GUNS! THE GUNS!

	(Rhinox joins Rattrap, hunkered down behind some crates)
	RATTRAP : It looks like we're gonna get a little slaggin' in after
		all!
	(The Predacons entering the base. Megatron fires two shots.)
	RHINOX : Looks like we don't have a choice!

SIPHER : Suffocate, or smo- no, wait, wrong episode.

	(Rhinox and Rattrap spin around and fire. The Preds find cover and
	return fire.)
	(Back in the feild, the raptors run from boudler to boulder, firing
	lasers. Cheetor fires back from behind a boulder while Blackarachnia
	is using the prone Optimus as cover.)

SIPHER : If anything, she's pragmatic in her choice of cover.

	(Tarantulas creeps from boulder to boulder. He leaps into the air and
	lands on one. He fires, destroying some boulders and revealing the
	children.)
	TARANTULAS : Well, look at this! A pair of pint-sized knuckle-
		draggers!

DOUG : Bite-sized for easy snacking!

	(Tarantulas aims, the kids cower... he fires, but Blackarachnia jumps
	in, taking the shot)
	SILVERBOLT : NOOOOOO!!!

PHIL : She's a big girl, she's had worse, ya puss.

	(Silverbolt fires, but Tarantulas jumps out of the way. Silverbolt
	leaps to BA's side.)
	SILVERBOLT : Oh, art of my heart, I saw... you were ready to
		sacrifice yourself!
	BLACKARACHNIA : Ugh, it was an accident, okay? I slipped.

ALL : (Bill Cosby Noah) RIIIIGHT.

	RATTRAP : (over Optimus' radio) Rattrap to Optimus!
	(Back in the base, Rhinox and Rattrap are retreating for better
	cover.)
	RATTRAP : Hate to interrupt your picnic, but we got BIG Pred
		problems!

PHIL : Look, I BOUGHT you those ant traps!

	OPTIMUS : (Groans, straining with the virus) Just hang on, Rattrap.
		You and Rhinox are our last hope.

SIPHER : (Yoda) No, there is another...

	(Optimus shudders, then his head swells up to double-size)
	OPTIMUS : (singing) There he is, my little guy!
	(Back at base, Rattrap hears this over his radio.)
	OPTIMUS : There he is, myyyy little guyyyyyy! Isn't he cute?
	RATTRAP : That's...not what I wanted to hear.

PHIL : I dunno, that was pretty catchy!

SIPHER : (Sinatra) Ther he is, my swingin' guy...

	RATTRAP : Uh-oh!
	(Rhinox turns and fires. Rattrap ducks as Rhinox is blasted backward
	by Pred fire)
	RATRRAP : (defeated) Oh, boy!
	(In the field, Cheetor takes another hit. The children peek up from
	behind a boulder as he lands.)

DOUG : It's raining mechs! Halleluja!

	(The children yelp, seeing one of the raptors advancing on the prone
	Optimus. One of the kids points offscreen...)

	(Suddenly, the elder caveman appears, war-club in hand and yelling)

SIPHER : (Movie trailer) Grog's back, and he's pissed!

	(The elder leaps onto the raptor's back. He uses his club to smash a
	device on the raptor's back. It shrieks and bucks, sparking)

PHIL : Urban Caveman!

	(Wapsinator accidentally gets in the way of the spasming raptor,
	ending up underfoot and repeatedly trampled)
	WASPINATOR: NO! DOWN RAPTOR! BAD RAPTOR!

DOUG : Dino, down boy!

	(The raptor explodes.)
	OPTIMUS : That's it! Attack the cybercontrol! That's where they're
		vulnerable!

SIPHER : Just like a MegaMan game!

DOUG : EVERY year...

SIPHER : Okay, mister toilet-joke.

	(Another raptor approaches Cheetor and the kids. BA shoots her
	crossbow, striking the same section on the other raptor's back. It	jumps around wildly, backwards, slamming into Tarantulas, then
	exploding)
	(Waspinator lies in a crumpled, twitching heap on the ground)
	WASPINATOR : Megatron... Waspinator report... failure.

SIPHER : (Waspy) 

	(Back at the Maximal base)
	MEGATRON : RRGH, worthless bug! Inferno, Rampage, prepare to take
		hostages! The Ark is ours!
	(Suddenly, Megatron gets shot in the back.)

	(Depth Charge in jet mode flies in. He transforms to robot mode and
	throws his javelin, blowing up the cover Inferno was using. He
	shudders.)

PHIL : I thought pain was his friend.

	(Depth Charge fires two large rifles, spraying the area with blasts.
	Inferno and Rampage take cover. Megatron fires, but DC blocks the
	shot with his wings. Close up as he yells.)

DOUG : ADRIAAAAAN!
	
	(DC continues his assault, and Megatro is forced back. Rattrap and
	Rhinox join in, firing at the Preds.)
	MEGATRON : Predacons, retreat!

SIPHER : Just like his namesake. (sniffles proudly)

	(Megs transforms to flying t-rex mode and jets out. THe Maximals keep
	firing as Inferno and Rampage follow their leader out. Depth Charge
	turns to face the others once the Preds are gone.)

	DEPTH CHARGE : Big Preds are my specialty.

DOUG : And tasty pizza.

	RHINOX : Not too shabby.
	RATTRAP : Eh. Still smells like fish.
	(Depth Charge frowns)
	(Back in the field, a shot of a collapsed raptor. Silverbolt is
	helping to repair a groaning, disoriented Optimus.)

SIPHER : Man, ya jest can't git th' parts fer these Optimuses anymore. He's
gonna have ta stay in the shop while they're on backorder.

	(Cheetor watches the cavemen walk away. He smiles as the young girl
	turns and waves at him. He waves back.)
	(Behind him, BA extracts a circuit from the back of one of the
	raptors.)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Hmm. There'll be time for a good close look at
		these... in private.

PHIL : More of Lith's Transformers porn-art.

	(BA stores the circuit on her somewhere.)
	CHEETOR : (off-screen) Uh...
	(She turns.)
	CHEETOR : ...That was incredible!, the way you saved those kids'
		lives...
	BLACKARACHNIA : Are you bots gonna drop this sooner or later?

DOUG : Hey, we're HEROES. It's either this or be all dark and angsty.

	CHEETOR : ...y'know, we made a pretty good team! Didn't we?
	BLACKARACHNIA : Listen, tabby. You're a nice kid... (she sees
		Silverbolt walking towards them)... which is two strikes
		against you, so don't go lookin' for strike three, okay?

PHIL : THAT THREE STRIKE, CAT!

	(BA turns and walks towards Silverbolt.)
	CHEETOR : (angry) I'm NOT a kid.

DOUG : (angry) I've been drinking milk.

	(BA walks away with Silverbolt. Silverbolt looks back, then raises
	his left wing-arm around her, blocking her from Cheetor's sight.)

PHIL : And Wolverine? Stay away from my girlfriend.

	CHEETOR : (snarling) And maybe I'm not so nice, either.
	(Overhead view from another Megatron spycam of the collapsed raptor.
	In the Pred base, Megatron holds a circuit board like the one BA
	took.)

SIPHER : (Megatron voice) Those were some of my favorite pictures on that one!

	MEGATRON : Ah, a near success. My Transmetal II technology works, but
		it proves unstable without a Spark. However, as it happens...
	(Megatron holds up the cage containing the piece of Rampage's Spark
	that he had cut out several episodes back)
	MEGATRON : ... I have half of one to spare! (laughs)

DOUG : (Laughing loudly, then) YOU'RE STUCK HERE!

OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_

(House lights on, stop tape)

***************************************************************************
SKIT 4 : CYBERWOCKY
***************************************************************************

DOUG : You know, some have accused this presentation of being childish.

PHIL : Yes, sad to say. We thought long and hard about how to address-

(Doug & Sipher are snickering like Beavis & Butt-Head. "Long and hard" can be heard whispered. They stop when Phil turns to them.)

PHIL : ... about how to properly address this matter.

SIPHER : I was all for a flaming bag of dog poopie on their doorsteps, but
	that would involve too much travel time.

DOUG : Then there was the parade of "Yo Momma" jokes.

PHIL : Oh yeah. Those were good. "Yo momma's so fat..."

SIPHER : She put on a pair of BVD's and it spelled out "boulevard"!

(All three laugh like kids for a few seconds.)

DOUG : Okay, try this. "Yo momma's teeth are so yellow..."

PHIL : When she smiles, cars slow down!

(More juvenile laughter.)

PHIL : Heh. Hee. Well, anyway. Soon we hit upon playing up the cultural and
	intellectual aspects of the program.

SIPHER : (loud whisper) He said "ass"! PHHHHHHHHBBBB!

PHIL : (struggling not to laugh) And so, with this in mind, and with the
	fact that we'll be moving on to an episode of "Beast Machines" in a
	few minutes, we're proud to present this piece of- (no pause at all)

DOUG : Crap.

PHIL : -poetry inspired by Lewis Carrol, entitled "Beast Machines
	Cyberwocky". Lights?

(house lights dim a little, if possible.)

SIPHER : (To the snickers behind him, himself snickering) Shut up! Ahem.

	'Twas Primal and the Maximals
	Did fight and quarrel in the dirt;
	All Sparkless were the robot shells,
	Lifeless and inert.

	"Beware the Megatron, Primal!
	The Tankor drones, the cycle bots!
	Beware the jet recycled from
	Whom Blackarachnia has the hots!"

	He took the Reformatted bod
	Many false visions inside his head
	Mixed Sigma Key and Plasma Energy,
	A wolf appeared though Megs was dead.

	But, soon the wolf-dragon turned out to be
	The Megatron, new Generals at hand;
	Obsidian and Strika, gee,
	Could plot advancement be at hand?

	Part One! Part Two! Two seasons flew
	Swords flashed and buildings fell!
	Maximal ranks were untouched by tanks
	Though suspense was shot to hell.

	"Hast though kacked the Megatron?
	Mixed organic with technologie?

	(pause to make a snarky face in recognition of the stretched rhyme)

	Praise the Matrix, balance is restored!"
	Though damned if we know why.

	'Twas Primal and the Maximals
	Did bitch and quarrel in the dirt;
	All Sparkless were the robot shells,
	Lifeless and inert.

    (Sipher gives a small bow as the lights return to full)

PHIL : Fantastique, fantastique. See? We're pretty sophisticated, huh?

DOUG : Yeah. Too bad most folks in the audience didn't get that.

PHIL : You're assuming--

SIPHER : (loud snickers, whipsering) You said "ass"!

PHIL : --they get any of our other jokes.

DOUG : I don't assume anything.

SIPHER : (still snickering. stage whisper) You said "ass" again!

PHIL : (snickering, composes himself) Hey, if the audience doesn't get our
	jokes, then whoop-de-doo.

DOUG : "Whoop-de-doo-doo"?

SIPHER : Dooooodie!

(All three break out in juvenile laughter)

OFFSTAGE: LOOK, STOP IT, OKAY?! _*LIGHTS!!!*_

ALL : Awwww!!!

(House lights off, start tape)

***************************************************************************
EPISODE 4 : BEAST MACHINES - WOLF IN THE FOLD
***************************************************************************

	(The Big Giant Megatron Head floats over Cybertron. Large mechanical
	tentacles shoot out from the bottom, smashing through layers of the
	city)

SIPHER : Oh, man, not Legend of the Overfiend...

	(Shot of a tunnelling tendril)

DOUG : (Gesture Professor) Down, down...

	(Underground, the Maximals react the the shaking)
	RATTRAP : What in the name of gouda was THAT all about?!
	OPTIMUS : Maximals! Topside! NOW!
	(Back above ground)

PHIL : When he says "now", he ain't kidding!

	(As the Maximals run through the tunnels, green lights line it,
	pulsing along the corridor)
	NIGHTSCREAM : What's up with the light show?
	OPTIMUS : Megatron, no doubt.

DOUG : Probably, since he is one of the only other living things on the
	damn planet...

	(Camera moves back to Silverbolt, then to his feet... the scene
	shifts to slo-mo as he steps on one of the pulses, which envelopes
	his body in energy)

SIPHER : He never learned that you don't step on the cracks on the
	sidewalk. Pity.

	(A little mechanical bug crawls out from Silverbolt's back and clamps
	its legs in, spreading red energy)

DOUG : Oh, great, a wood tick! Now he has lymes disease!

PHIL : Lame's disease.

	(Silverbolt groans, down on one knee, his eyes go red, and he shakes
	his head violently)

SIPHER : (Chester Cheetah head-shake noise)

	(Cheetor turns at the sound of 'Bolt's groaning and walks back,
	putting a hand on his shoulder)
	CHEETOR : You okay, Silverbolt?

PHIL : Sure, I always vomit for no reason whatsoever.

	(Silverbolt gets up and walks away. Zoom in on Cheetor's hand, as red
	crackling energy fades into his palm.)

PHIL : Stigmata?!

SIPHER : Christ Machines?

DOUG : Yeah, we're going to Hell for sure.

	(Cheetor's eyes go red, and he sits stunned for a second, then he
	shakes his head)

SIPHER : (a little weakly) Oh, it's not easy being cheesy...

	(Optimus knuckles along the surface towards one of the tendrils)
	OPTIMUS : What is THAT thing?!

PHIL : (at the close-up of the tendril) Poorly-skinned.

	(Rattrap rolls up and stares at the Head. Cheetor walks past,	stepping on his tail. Up close, we see the same red energy infecting
	Rattrap's tail)
	RATTRAP : HEY! Watch where-
	(He stops, his eyes go red and he sits stunned ofr a few seconds)

DOUG : (Mo-Ron voice) Daaaar... mittens...

	(Rattrap groans a little, but moves up to Nightscream)
	RATTRAP : Whaddaya say we junk that flying scrap-heap, kid?
	NIGHTSCREAM : (With a little head-bob) You got it!
	(They high-five)

SIPHER : What was with the soul-sistah head-bob?

	(Night's eyes go red, and he stares at his palm...)
	NIGHTSCREAM : Wha?!

SIPHER : Mother Brain? Here?

	(Blackarachnia walks up to Silverbolt)
	BLACKARACHNIA : Are you sure you're ready to face him?
	SILVERBOLT : More than ready. (Puts his arm around her, hand resting
		on her arm) I hunger for it!
	(More red energy, and a close-up of Black as she goes funny)

DOUG : (singing) T-t-t-touch me, I wanna feel dirty...

	(Optimus looks up at the Head)
	OPTIMUS : Silverbolt, Nightscream-
	(Close-up of each character's face as he calls them out)

ALL : (Reacting to the faces) Agh! Whoah! (etc)

	OPTIMUS : - aerial recon! Rattrap, Cheetor, ground survey!
		Blackarahcnia...

PHIL : Cubby! Roy! Annette!

	BLACK : (off-cam) Oh yeah? And what are YOU gonna do, monkey?

SIPHER : I'd make a poop joke here, but that would put me on the level of
	ToyFare magazine.

PHIL : You're better than that.

SIPHER : I know.

	NIGHTSCREAM : Oh, SURE, he's all guts and glory NOW, where was this
		CHIMP when I was tracking down Noble?!
	RATTRAP : If it was up to ME, he'd a let that schitzo-dog rip out
		YOUR circuits a long time ago!

SIPHER & DOUG : ME TOO!

PHIL : YOUR circuits too?

	RATTRAP : (To a remark from Black) Why SHOULD I keep my nose out of
		it when LOVER-BOY here's spent so much time tryin' ta BLOW IT
		OFF MY FACE!

DOUG : My rat has no nose!

SIPHER : How does he-

	CHEETOR : (Calmy) Hey, guys, quit fighting. (then) WHAT ARE YOU
		TRYING TO *PROVE*?! THAT YOUR LOGIC CIRCUITS ARE ALL FRIED?!
	(They all start screaming at each other.)

PHIL : Well, just status quo for this crew!

	(Optimus transforms to robot mode)
	OPTIMUS : ENOUGH! Remember what is important here!

ALL : SELLING TOYS!

	OPTIMUS : - we must stay focused on our goal!
	(Pause)
	NIGHTSCREAM : Aw, get OVER yourself.
	BLACKARACHNIA : For pity's sake...

SIPHER : "Pity"?!

	RATTRAP : Mister High And Mighty talkin' DOWN to us again!
	CHEETOR : We're not DRONES or something!
	SILVERBOLT : Yes, hasn't changed MUCH I see!

DOUG : I dunno, Op used to not be an idiot...

	(Optimus sits shocked for a minute, then...)
	OPTIMUS : (snarling) If you want to act like a bunch of surly farm
		animals, SO BE IT. I'll deal with Megatron ALONE.

DOUG : Now THERE'S the Op we used ta know!

	(Optimus rockets off. Pause... then a blast scatters the remaining
	Maximals. Cheetor looks up, and Thrust and a squad of Cycle Drones
	roll up in front of them with gun-arms raised)
	THRUST : (mocking) Did the little sheep get caught without their
		shepherd?

SIPHER : YEAH! Kick some butt, Thrust!

PHIL : He doesn't have feet.

SIPHER : Roll over some butt, Thrust!

	(Optimus looks down to see the cycles attacking. He turns around to
	help. Cheetor deflects a bolt with his sword, sending it slamming
	into one of the tendrils, severing it.)

DOUG : That was one weak tendril.

SIPHER : Or One Firece Beer Coaster.

	(The severed tendril is shocked back, and Primal is hit by one of the
	giant flailing wires out of the end)

PHIL : Shoo Prime, don't bother me...

	(Op loses conciousness, transforming back to beast mode. He falls...
	and commercial break)

SIPHER : Betcha he gets saved.

	(Back. A large tendril curves under Primal, breaking his fall.)

SIPHER : See? Just like Commando Cody.

	(The tendil begins carrying him up to the Head. Primal regains enough
	concisouness to see it, and we get a view through his eyes of the
	Head...)

PHIL : (hung over) Ugh... I slept with THAT?!

	(Op loses concisouness again.)
	(Thrust and the drones transform to cycle mode and ride a pulse-wave,
	scattering the Maximals as they enter the tunnels.)
	THRUST : (Yelling behind him) Whastamatter, Maximals?! A little slow
		on your feet?!
	CHEETOR : We gotta stop them before they find our base!

SIPHER : One "All your base" remark and I break your thumbs.

	NIGHTSCREAM : Who died and made YOU Optimus?!
	(More random screaming)
	CHEETOR : I SAID SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND BEAT YOUR FEET!

PHIL : (singing) To the Digi-Beat!

(Doug and Sipher viciously attack Phil for several seconds. Phil stays down
for a few.)

	(Inside the Head. We see Oppy lying on a random pylon as he wakes up)
	MEGATRON : (vo) Welcome, Optimus Primal!
	OPTIMUS : Why did you bring me here!

SIPHER : (Megs voice) I've made the most DELICIOUS strudel and MUST share!

	MEGATRON : It's time for us to settle things.
	(A viewscreen of the Head pops up in front of Op.)
	OPTIMUS : What are you doing to Cybertron?
	MEGATRON : Oh, that was merely an elaborate way to get your
		attention. An invitation, if you will.

DOUG : RSVP RIP?

	MEGATRON : It seems, Optimus, that we are not so far apart as we once
		appeared.

DOUG : Well, sure, now that he's INSIDE you...

(Phil gets up slowly)

	MEGATRON : We both want the same thing.
	OPTIMUS : (sarcastic) Oh? And what's that?
	(Meagtron appears as a giant data-flow hologram version of the Head
	in the middle of the room)
	MEGATRON : HARMONY.

SIPHER : Oh, no, not "Carnage in C-Minor" again!

(All react in disgust)

	(Thrust and crew race down the tunnels...)
	THRUST : (Looking behind him) Heh. Catch me if you can!
	(They zoom ahead. Cheetor transforms to beast mode, zipping between
	two Drones.)

DOUG : Damn joggers!

	(The Drones skid to a halt as he appears ahead of them in robot mode,
	swords drawn. The two drones look up at him...)
	CHEETOR : HA!!!
	(He attacks with both swords, slicing away)

DOUG : All right, Iron Chef!

SIPHER : (Bad dub voice) Today we prepare Teppanyaki Drone with Sprouts.

	(More hyper-fast cuts of Cheetor, swords and Drones)

PHIL : And somewhere, some kid has a seizure.

	(Cheetor walks calmy away. The two Drones creak a little, then fall
	apart.)
	(Silverbolt prepares to tackle some oncoming Drones...)

DOUG : Way way way, hold it right there. How'd he get IN FRONT of them?!

SIPHER : (Yzma voice) I don't know. Kronk, how DID we get here first?

PHIL : (Kronk voice) I dunno. Logically, it makes no sense.

	(The drones are felled by a web-net dropped from the cieling.
	Blackarachnia hangs down and blows the stuneed Silverbolt a kiss.)
	(Rattrap is being circled by three drones...)

SIPHER : I don't think that's how you play Duck-Duck-Goose...

	RATTRAP : A little HELP here?!
	(Nightscream flies in and fires his sonic attack

PHIL : Yoko Ono SINGS!

	(The drones slam into a wall, where they explode.)
	RATTRAP : Eh, thanks, Wings.
	NIGHTSCREAM : No problem... next time, (eyes glow red) LOOK OUT FOR
		YOURSELF!!!
	(Nightscream fires again, this time slamming Rattrap into the wall.)

ALL : THE BAT MUST DIE!!!

	NIGHTSCREAM : (shocked) I... don't know why I did that!
	CHEETOR : You could have brought this whole tunnel down on our heads!
	BLACKARACHNIA : WHO led us down here in the first place RIGHT into an
		ambush?!

SIPHER : Thrust, wasn't it?

	CHEETOR : So now it's MY fault?!
	SILVERBOLT : It's a miracle you survived as long as you DID
		squabbling as you do!!

DOUG : Just think... somewhere, this is somebody's Christmas.

	RATTRAP : ...with YOU and your buddies SHOOTIN' AT US ALL THE TIME!

SIPHER : Shootings? A Southern Christmas, then.

	BLACKARACHNIA : BACK OFF, RAT!
	CHEETOR : Why don't you BOTH BACK OFF?!?!
	ALL BUT CHEETOR : BUTT OUT!!!
	(Everyone pauses, slowly calming down)
	SILVERBOLT : This... this is my fault.

PHIL : I'm all gothy and agnsty inside.

	SILVERBOLT : I... never should have returned.
	(He turns around, transforming to condor mode and flies off)
	BLACKARACHNIA : THAT'S right, just RUN away from your problems!

PHIL : Oh, okay!

(Phil gets up and walks off)

SIPHER : Get back here!

PHIL : She said it was okay!

(Sipher gets up and drags Phil back on-stage)

	(Thrust rolls up as everyone argues with each other, accompanied by a
	squad of Drones. They fire, scattering the Maximals)

SIPHER : Oh good, Thrust's back!

	(Back to the Big Giant Head...)
	OPTIMUS : Your version of "harmony" is nothing more than slavery! How
		can you have harmony without free will?!
	MEGATRON : How can you have harmony among the chaos of disagreeing
		minds?
	(The data-flow image disappears)

DOUG : Lemme show ya this golden apple I got.

	OPTIMUS : True harmony only prevails when ALL voices are heard.

SIPHER : And Optimus makes the case for Internet morons everywhere. 

	(The holo-head appears behind Optimus)
	MEGATRON : YOUR way only leads to chaos.

SIPHER : (singing tp "My Way") Chaotic my wayyyyy...

	MEGATRON : Or are THESE the voices of "harmony"?
	(Several screens pop up, showing the bickering Maximals fighting off
	the drones)

PHIL : (As Nelson) HA-HA!

	OPTIMUS : I've got to stop them!
	MEGATRON : And how do you propose to do that?

DOUG : I won't take them to Six Lasers Over Cybertron if they keep arguing!

	MEGATRON : ... which in turn is spawned by divided, (the head throws
		out two duplicates) divisive minds. The only way to acheive
		true unity is through a singular mind.

SIPHER : "'Till all are one" just took on a sinister new meaning.

	MEGATRON : ... by false visions that you can't even see my point of
		view?

DOUG : Oh, he's weaseling again! I love it!

	OPTIMUS : We'll finish this LATER, Megatron.

PHIL : Since you've got me dead to rights. I'm gonna go sulk now.

	(He transforms to robot mode and flies off)
	MEGATRON : Ah, poor Optimus Primal. So eager to embrace the chaos.

SIPHER : And Chaos doesn't do group hugs, lemme tell ya.

	MEGATRON : So eager to embrace your own doom.

DOUG : Mmm. Snuggly doom.

	(Commercial)
	(Back to the tunnels. The drones are still firing away, with the
	Maximals pinned behind boulders)
	RATTRAP : Here's ANOTHER fine mess you've gotten us into!

DOUG : STANLEY!

SIPHER : I'm sorry, Ollie! (whimper)

	(Cheetor deflect a bolt at Rattrap, sending him back against the
	wall)
	CHEETOR : (in Rattrap's face) Maybe if you low-res chip-heads had ANY
		idea how to FOLLOW ORDERS (pointing at Rattrap)...

PHIL : Like PULL MY FINGER!!!

	(Cheetor swings, sending a bolt that explodes a few drones)
	CHEETOR : RIGHT BACK ATCHA!!!
	(Rocks begin to fall... the blast has loosened up the support of the
	tunnel. Everyone scrambles)

DOUG : (Prince voice) Earthquake! Shut up already! Damn!

	(Cheetor, now in beast mode, pulls himself out of the rubble)
	BLACKARACHNIA : (off-camera) HEY, THAT'S MY FOOT!
	(Cheetor turns to see the others pulling themselves loose)
	RATTRAP : Well, ya GOT seven more!
	NIGHTSCREAM : I oughtta be blasting YOU instead of them!
	CHEETOR : This is SERIOUSLY glitched... we've argued before...

SIPHER : A lot.

PHIL : Constantly.

DOUG : Every episode.

	(The drones pull themselves from the rubble and continue their
	attack)
	BLACKARACHNIA : If you would have trusted Silverbolt, we wouldn't BE
		outnumbered!!!

SIPHER : Uh, no babe, there's still a few MILLION drones out there. I'd say
	one won't change those odds signifcantly!

	RATTRAP : (Making chicken noises, indicating Silverbolt)
	CHEETOR : RATTRAP, scout a retreat!
	RATTRAP : I'm THROUGH takin' orders! SCOUT THIS!
	(He screams and lunges at Cheetor, who dodges. Rattrap lands on his
	face. Cheetor transforms back to robot mode)
	CHEETOR : WAIT! Why are we fighting?
	(A rock bounces off his forehead)

PHIL : JEHOVAH, JEHOVAH!!!

	RATTRAP : I want a LOTTA pieces!
	(He leaps again, and Cheetor counters. They collide in mid-air and
	land on the ground, struggling)
	(One of the drones raises his blaster arm, but Thrust pushes it down)
	THRUST : Save yer ammo. They're gonna do the job FOR us.
	(Cut to topside. Silverbolt flies through the city)

DOUG : I am the terror that flaps in the night...

	(He transforms and lands next to one of the giant tendrils)

DOUG : I had a dream about one of those once.

	(Silverbolt graps at the back of his neck... and pulls off the little
	bug)

SIPHER : KNEW I shoulda grabbed a flea collar at the Walgreens I just
	passed.

	(Back underground, Cheetor tries to slice Rattrap with a leaping
	slash, but misses. Rattrap then runs over his hands)

PHIL : DEY TOOK MY TUMBS, CHALIE!!!

	(Blackarachnia has Nightscream lassoed, but he's dragging her through
	the air)
	NIGHTSCREAM : FACE it, lady! Your boyfriend's a BIG SHINY CHICKEN!

SIPHER : (Cartoon Colonel voice) New from th' Colonel! Shiny Chicken wings!

	BLACKARACHNIA : HE... IS... NOT CHICKEN!!!

DOUG : So how come you keep getting calls from TYSON, huh!

PHIL : (Blacky voice) SHUT UP!

	(Thrust and the Drones watch)
	THRUST : Heh, sweet. I oughtta sell tickets.

SIPHER : Damn shame all the spectators are dead.

	(A finger taps him on the shoulder. He turns... and we see through
	his eyes as Primal punches him in the face)

SIPHER : Aw.

	(Cheetor lunges at the rolling Rattrap again)
	CHEETOR : QUIT DANCIN' AROUND AND FIGHT, FETA BREATH!

SIPHER : (Denis Leary voice) We drink and dance and punch our relatives at
	the same time. (Denis' "Riverdance" tune, complete with punch noises)

	(The two grapple at each other again, Rattrap trying to stab Cheetor
	in the head with his tail)
	(Back to Nightscream)
	NIGHTSCREAM : yep, that's him! BAWK BAWK BAWK!

PHIL : (Swedish Chef) Bork bork bork!

	BLACKARACHNIA : When I get my hands on you there won't be enough LEFT
		TO BARBECUE!
	(Primal flies in, seeing the Maximals fighting)

DOUG : (To himself) I got a bunch of IDIOTS on my team...

	OPTIMUS : STOP THIS!
	(The Maximals freeze)
	OPTIMUS : You're SOLDIERS! TEAMMATES! FRIENDS!

SIPHER : FLOOR WAX!

DOUG : DESSERT TOPPING!

	BLACKARACHNIA : FRIENDS don't ABANDON each other!
	(She fires a web-lasso that wraps around Primal)
	CHEETOR : She's RIGHT! I'm TIRED of your SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS!!!
	RATTRAP : YEAH! Why don't you go on another VISION QUEST and LEAVE US
		ALONE!

PHIL : Vision Quest 63 from Sierra On-Line!

	(Cheetor throws Rattrap out of the way, then charges at Primal... and
	punches him. And again. And again. And again.)

SIPHER : (singing) The eye of the cheetah...

	(Cheetor takes a swing-kick that sends Primal flying)
	CHEETOR : GET UP AND FIGHT LIKE A MAXIMAL!
	(We see through Cheetor's red eyes as he reaches for Primal's neck.
	The red energy courses through Primal's chest, and his eyes begin to
	glow...)
	OPTIMUS : FORGET the seeds of the future...

DOUG : Yeah?

	OPTIMUS : I'M BURYING *YOU* IN THE PAST!!!

DOUG : All RIGHT! APE-SLAG APE!!!

	(Primal breaks the webbing, sending the Maximals sprawling. Suddenly
	a feather-dart his the floor and explodes. Silverbolt lands in the
	middle of the Maximals)
	SILVERBOLT : This madness ends NOW!!!

PHIL : Hey, I LIKED that band!

	OPTIMUS : STARTING WITH YOU!
	SILVERBOLT : STOP! We've all been infected with a virus!

DOUG : Quick, run Norton Utilities!

	NIGHTSCREAM : Why should we trust YOU, JETSTORM?!
	SILVERBOLT : BECAUSE!!

SIPHER : Digimon's starting in five minutes and we gotta wrap this up!

	SILVERBOLT : ... know better than anybody that the HATING... and the
		hurting... have got to end.

DOUG : (Southern voice) An' th' fussin' an' th' feudin'.

	(Optimus sloly nods)
	(Cheetor sighs and sheathes his swords)
	CHEETOR : (quietly) If Optimus trusts you... that's good enough for
		me.
	(Blackarachnia and Nightscream look down in shame)

ALL : (fakey sitcom AAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW)

	RATTRAP : Take from an authority on the subject... I smell a RAT.
	(Shot of one of the giant tendrils. Rattrap rolls up and pulls out a
	small device as his visor flips down)

SIPHER : It's the machine that goes PING!

	RATTRAP : These things are (glitch) ARRRGH, activation signal right
		through the ground!
	SILVERBOLT : To trigger a pre-planted virus, RIGHT? HIDDEN IN ME?!

DOUG : (As Rex) Now I have GUILT!

	(Silverbolt shows him the bug. Rattrap runs the scanner over it)
	RATTRAP : Yep And it's a nasty piece of business, too! Had an
		adrenaline booster, neo-cortex suppressor...

ALL : (singing) Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and
	a nasty virus planned to kill us all!

	NIGHTSCREAM : Sounds like a new strain of that ancient hate-plague
		virus! Or didn't you guys ever TAKE HISTORY?

DOUG : Does this mean we gotta hear "The Touch" AGAIN?!

	RATTRAP : In two words... Im-possible.
	(From inside the Head)
	MEGATRON : And I've got two more words for you, Maximals...

SIPHER : (Leary) NUCLEAR F'N WEAPONS, OKAY?!

	(The head sends shockwaves through the ground, and more rocks fall.	Cheetor knocks a falling boulder away that would have crushed
	Rattrap)
	OPTIMUS : That's IT! We've got to work together to reform our neural
		pathways!

PHIL : Uh...

	OPTIMUS : That's the only way to destroy the virus and cure us!

PHIL : (A little repulsed) They're not gonna hug, are they?

	(Optimus closes his eyes and concentrates)

SIPHER : Ommmmmmmmmmm...

	(The Head sendes a huge red pulse down each tendril, causing
	explosions as they hit the ground. A tremendous shockwave travels
	along the tunnel...)
	(Thrust picks himself up and the drones reactivate)

DOUG : Oh, did I have the beer-goggles on...

	OPTIMUS : Everyone to the surface!
	(Thrust aims... but a rumbling makes him turn, and he seems the
	shockwave throwing rocks and drones around)

SIPHER : (Thrust) Oh, man this is gonna (as the shockwave hits, slamming
	Thrust repeatedly against the ceiling and floor) SU-U-U-U-U-U-UCK!!!

	(The shockwave hits the Maximals, and rocks fall on top of them)

PHIL : 

	(The floor beneath Silverbolt begins to collapse...)
	BLACKARACHNIA : SILVERBOLT!
	(The floor gives way and 'Bolt plummets. Black fires a webbing that
	grabs him...)

DOUG : Well ,that's one way to add a new thrill to bungee-jumping!

	(Blackarachnia can't keep her footing, and she goes over the edge.
	The floor collapses under Cheetor and Rattrap too)

SIPHER : Someone grab the Holy Grail!

	(Nightscream dives into the hole after them.)
	OPTIMUS : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

ALL : STAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

	(They fall... Cheetor grabs onto Blackarachnia's leg, and Rattrap
	gets a hold of Cheetor's)

DOUG : (singing) Chain chain chain... chain of fools...

	(Nightscream grips Rattrap's tail, and manages to stop them from
	falling briefly... but he can't support the weight, and he plummets)
	(Optimus grits his teeth)

PHIL : Must... think... happy... thoughts...

	(The red in his eyes disappears, and he leaps in after the Maximals.
	There is darkness for a few seconds...)

DOUG : I'M BLIND!

	(Optimus flies up, towing the chain of Maximals)

PHIL : (Sings the Superman theme from the movies)

	(Silverbolt shakes his head... the red glow vanishes from his eyes.
	Blackarachnia shakes her head and the red glow disappears)

SIPHER : (Ben Stein voice) Removes red-eye fast. Wow.

	(The glow fades from Cheetor... then Rattrap)

DOUG: Okay, we get it, can we move on?

PHIL : No, we gotta see Nightscream's ugly puss again.

	(Primal flies to the surface)

SIPHER : That is the silliest Macy's Day balloon I think I've ever seen.

	(They all land)
	RATTRAP : Woo-hoo, does it feel good to be a team again!
	(Silverbolt looks down)
	BLACK : What's wrong?

DOUG : This body. What AM I, some kinda samurai turkey?

	SILVERBOLT : ... USED to infect all of you. Stil lhappy to have me
		back?
	OPTIMUS : More than ever, old friend.
	(Primal puts his hand on Silverbolt's shoulder.)
	(The tendrils lift out of the ground and retract back into the Head)
	BLACKARACHNIA : I can't believe how he turned us all against each
		other.

PHIL : Hey, you used to WORK for him. You oughtta KNOW what a scum he is!

	OPTIMUS : Perhaps... he didn't create the conflicts, he only
		magnified them.

SIPHER : (singing) He didn't start the fire! That's been always burnin'
	since the worlds' been turnin...

	OPTIMUS : Could it be that Megatron is right after all?

DOUG : Oh, SHUT UP and get your spine back.

	(And Megatron chuckles...)

ALL : (sinister, evil laughter, building to a crecendo as the episode ends)

OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_

(House lights on, stop tape)

***************************************************************************
SKIT 5 : BAD TOUCH!
***************************************************************************

DOUG : For a closer today, we wanted to do something... well, *special* for all of you.

SIPHER : We thought with this being the 5th MSTing, we'd do a retrospective of all the fun that went on.

DOUG : We had fun?

PHIL : I thought that a skit where we'd rapid-fire the best jokes from the previous MSTings would be a nice way to celebrate.

SIPHER : That sounded like too much work. I was just going to let TrypticonX write the whole thing.

DOUG : (muttered) Couldn't be any worse than what we usually get written
for us....

(Sipher glares at Doug.)

SIPHER : Jump up my-

DOUG : (hastily) I suggested a song and dance routine, but Sipher apparently sings like a drunk smoking rat in heat.

SIPHER : No, I said *Phil* did.

PHIL : Hey! ... Well, you're right.

SIPHER : Which is a lot like Cher.

DOUG : ANYway, we thought perhaps we'd combine a few of the ideas.

PHIL : So now let us present to you, a musical tribute to the first
MSTing.

SIPHER : Everyone's favorite --

DOUG : Movie?

PHIL : Target? 

SIPHER : (repeats) Everyone's favorite -- "Transformers: The Movie". Roll
it.

OFFSTAGE : **LIGHTS!**

(Roll video. But instead of anything cool, we see footage of
Tommy and Optimus again.)

SIPHER : Oh, hell, not THIS again.

	(Fade into close up of Tommy talking. We pick up audio when we get
	the close-up of Optimus.)
	OPTIMUS : Whoa! Slow down, Tommy!
	(Wide view of Optimus putting his hands on his hips with a thunk,
	indicated in the line of dialogue.)
	OPTIMUS : Right now /THUNK THUNK/ I've got to attend an interstellar
		peace-conference.

DOUG : About my hips.

	(Shot of Optimus's legs firing rockets.)
	OPTIMUS : I leave you with...
	(Overhead shot of Optimus with arms raised over his head, a la
	Superman.)
	OPTIMUS : "The Touch!"
	(Shot of Optimus flying in space.)

ALL : Awwwwwwwww.

	OPTIMUS : I'll be back soon, to transform your day into an adventure!

PHIL : An adventure in keeping my food down....

	("The Touch" music video begins.)
	STAN BUSH : You got the touch!

SIPHER : Whoah. Stan's got hair like Juan Epstein!

	STAN : You got the power... YEAH!
		(guitar)
		After all is said and done,
		You've never walked, you never run --
		You're a winner!

DOUG : You went nowhere yet you still won. Allright...

	STAN : You've got the moves, you know the street,

SIPHER : Heh. 42nd Street.

	STAN : Break the rules, take the heat --
		You're nobody's fool!

		You're at your best when the going gets rough
		You've been put to the test, but it's never enough

DOUG : (Trying to ram this into the song) Once you get it in your system you WANT IT EVERY NIGHT!

	STAN : You got the TOUCH!
		You got the power!

PHIL : (singing) Nintendo Power!

	When all hell's breaking loose,

DOUG : He said "hell"!

SIPHER : We've said it nine times in this script! Who cares?

	You got the heart,
	You got the motion.

SIPHER : (B52 voice) Motion in the ocean!

	You know that when things get too tough,
	You got the TOUCH!

PHIL : (singing) When you think about me you tou- oh.

	You never bend, you never break, 
	You seem to know just what it takes --
	You're a fighter.

DOUG: (VERY fast) Street-Fighter-Turbo-EX-Alpha-3rd-Strike-Championship-Edition!

	It's in the blood, it's in the will.

SIPHER : (Singing) The cat gets all the money!

	When you're standin' your ground.
	And you never give in when your back's to the wall 
	Gonna fight till the end and you're takin' it all.

PHIL : (singing) You greedy pig, save some for others!

	You got the TOUCH!
	You got the power!

DOUG : Captain Power!
 
	When all hell's breaking loose,
	You'll be right in the eye of the storm.

	You got the heart.

PHIL : Of a babboon!

	You got the motion.

DOUG : Of a babboon!

	You know that when things get too tough,
	You got the touch!

	(Guitar interlude)
	You're fighting fire with fire!

SIPHER : Maybe you should try fighting it with water!

	(Guitar interlude)
	You know you got the touch!

PHIL : I KNOW you have the Touch, dammit! Don't LIE to me!

	(Wailing guitar solo)
	You're at your best when the going gets rough.

DOUG : You LIKE it rough!

	You've been put to the test, but it's never enough!
	You got the TOUCH!
	You got the power!

SIPHER : (Nat X) BLACK POWER, BROTHAS AND SISTAS!

	YEAH! 

DOUG : Where's Kool-Aid Man?

PHIL : Or Macho Man?

SIPHER : (As Macho Man) Oh YEAH!

	You got the touch! (Touch!)
	You got the power!
	TOUCH!

SIPHER : And I have the power to END this! GET OUT! OUT! KLAUS!! KLAUS!!!

(Run credits tape.)

***************************************************************************
END
***************************************************************************