*************************************************************************** TRANSFORMERS: THE MSTING 3 THE SEARCH FOR SPARK BotCon '99 *************************************************************************** (House lights off, run opening sequence tape) (House lights on) (Sipher, Hex & Phil run up to the stage carrying packages) SIPHER: Oh, this has been a good year for burning away money! PHIL: Hey, did you hear what I did? Some dealer actually sold some sucker tickets to BotCon 2000 in ANTARCTICA. Man, can you believe some people? (Laughs) (Hex looks guilty at hearing the ticket thing. He pulls two tickets from his bag and rips them up before Sipher & Phil notice.) SIPHER: So Phil, Rob, what did you guys snag from the dealer room so far? HEX: Hex. I'm Hex. PHIL: Huh? HEX: Rob and Doug couldn't make it this year? Remember? So me and Phil are subbing. DOUG: (From audience) Wait! I'm here! (Phil pulls out a gun and nonchalantly shoots Doug dead.) PHIL: Look, I don't think there's any point in telling people this, Rob. HEX: But- SIPHER: Anyway, what did you get, Phil? PHIL: This is sweet! I finally got (name of toy he's bought)! I've been wanting this sucker for a long time! SIPHER: Check this out. (Name of toy he's bought)! Can't wait to crack this open! PHIL: (To Hex) So what'd you get? HEX: I got a rock. (pulls it out of his bag) (slight pause) SIPHER: Oh, maybe it's one of those GoBots Rock Lords, I've got some of... those... HEX: Nnnnno, it's... just a rock. PHIL: Well... maybe it's a rock that err... came from the Mainframe studio lawn? HEX: (looking at it) No, I don't think so. SIPHER: ... Criminy, Rob! Why the hell good is an ordinary rock? PHIL: Maybe it lays the smack-down on- (Hex clubs Phil over the head with the rock, who goes down. Hex snags his cool toy) SIPHER: Whoah! (He reaches under the table, and produces an Optimal Optimus, wich he points at Hex, hand on the firing mechanism) That's right, look into the little red light! C'mon, sunshine! You want some of this? (Phil gets up, also brandishing an Optimal Optimus. All three trash talk and threaten each other) (Suddenly, John/Karl/Glen (one of them) rushes up to the stage) J/K/G: Guys, guys, GUYS! No fighting! Got it? (All three slowly put down their weapons) J/K/G: C'mon, settle down. This is a friendly convention! Now stop fighting or you're all getting time outs! SIPHER, HEX & PHIL: (Like little children being scolded) Oookaaaaay. J/K/G: (still in "mom" mode) Now, haven't you got a presentation to do? SIPHER: Right, right, "The Transformers: The Movie", okay. J/K/G: Uh, no, actually. Since this year is the fifteenth anniversary of the Transformers, we thought that it would be better to do some episodes from the various Transformers series. PHIL: Okay then, what have we got? J/K/G: (Looking at a piece of paper) Well, first, we're starting with a Beast Wars episode, "Dark Voyage". (Sipher, Phil & Hex make sime unenthusiastic noises) J/K/G: Then from the first season of the original series, we have "Fire on the Mountain". (slight pause) From season two there's "The God Gambit"... and from season three... "Carnage in C-Minor". (There is a long pause while Sipher, Phil & HEx just stare at J/K/G. They suddenly grab their weapons again) SIPHER: GET HIM!! (J/K/G bolts.) OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_ PHIL: Aw, man! (House lights off, start "Dark Voyage") ******************** (Credit: Written by Samuel Warren Joseph) HEX: Samuel Waren Joseph... Three first names for one guy? SIPHER: Or maybe it's multiple people, like Hamilton Joe Frank and Reynolds. (Rattrap in beast mode is scrabbling under some rocks.. the camera pulls closer until he finally uncovers a small portion of glowing blue crystal underneath the pile) (Credit: Directed by Steve Ball) SIPHER: Steve's in your court! (Rattrap uses a retractable claw to grab the crystal) RATTRAP: Hey, pussycat! PHIL: What's new? HEX & SIPHER : (singing) Whooooooa whoa-whoah whoah whoah! (Cheetor trots up in beast mode, with a large container on his back) CHEETOR: Whoah, way to go R.T.! A few more chunks like that and we'll have enough to power the quantum scanners! SIPHER: Then look out, Wily! RATTRAP: ... I got a nose for Energon, kid. Used to be the best miner in the Vespa system! SIPHER: (already laughing) But then I turned twenty-one and wasn't a miner anymore!!! (Hex & Phil groan) (Close-up of a scanner screen) PHIL: Is he playing Pokemon there? DINOBOT: So! Now I'm nothing more than an Energon miner! SIPHER: Yeah, until you turn twen- HEX: NO. (The scanner beeps madly) DINOBOT: (yelling) I found some! Here! (Dinobot lurches forward, until he finds a large bed of Energon crystals) HEX: Yeah, THAT took real eagle-eyes to find. CHEETOR: Nice find, Dino-Miner! You're even better at this than Rattrap! DINOBOT: I'm better at EVERYTHING than Rattrap! PHIL: Even at being a rat? (Rhinox looks upwards...) RHINOX: Heads up! Incoming! (A missile streaks down and clanks into a crystal, where it sticks without exploding) SIPHER: Someone's playing lawn darts here! (Waspinator & Scorponok appear on top of a cliff) DINOBOT: You missed! SCORPONOK: Did I? Look again, you fool! PHIL: Well, the missile didn't hit us, so yeah, you missed! (The missile begins glowing and making a high-pitched noise) RHINOX: Rhinox, Maximize! (He transforms and dives into the Energon field, grabs the missile, and hurls it away) HEX: No real form... you'll have to better if you hope to make the Olympic Javelin team! SCORPONOK: Nice try, but you're too late! WASPINATOR: Goodbye, stupid Maximals! PHIL: THERE'S a quote for the ages. (Rhinox looks around as the ground begins to tremble and the crystals start glowing) (Rattrap transforms to robot mode) SIPHER: That'll help! (Dinobot (and presumably Cheetor) transform as well, just as the screen goes white. Scorponok and Waspinator duck as rocks fly upwards and a huge fireball erupts form the pit) HEX: Krakatoa, east of Java! (The two Predacons get up) SCORPONOK: WHOO! (laughs) Nothing could have survived THAT blast! PHIL: Yeah, there's no need to check or anything! WASPINATOR: Waspinator thinks Megatron will be PLEASED with us! SCORPONOK: Yes! HEX: Hey, that's Megatron's shtick! SCORPONOK: Beast Mode! (The two Predacons transform) (Fade to birds circling in the sky) SIPHER: We are in a holding pattern over LAX, we expect to be landing in an hour or so, sorry for any incovnenience. (Camera moves down to the blackened crater) PHIL: A tragic accident at the rock quarry has claimed the life of Frederick Flinstone. Donations to his widow Wilma should be sent to this address. (Camera moves until we see Rhinox's hand... which twitches. He them picks himself up from the rubble) HEX: Oh, man... what did I DO last night? RHINOX: I feel like I got hit by a whole Pred fleet... Diagnostic! SIPHER: Hey, that's not nice! What did the agnostic do to you? RHINOX: ... must've knocked out my internal systems... HEX: You shouldn't have had that pizza! (Rhinox's eyes light up erratically, but they're now pearl white instead of the normal dull red) RHINOX: Including my optic sensors! I'm BLIND! (Dinobot gets up... his eyes are also wihte) DINOBOT: My eyes... MY EYES!! RHINOX: Dinobot? RATTRAP: (off-camera) Rhinox? (Cut, Rattrap is waving his arms in front of him, flailing around) PHIL: (Watto voice) What, do you think you're some kind of Jedi waving your hand around like that? CHEETOR: (panicking) I can't SEE! (Camera rotates around Rhinox...) ALL: (Making motion sickness noises) DINOBOT: What have they done to my eyes?! RATTRAP: Rhinox! Help me! CHEETOR: What happened?! Where are we?! (Camera stops as it reaches Rhinox's front) ALL: (Relieved noises) RHINOX: You've all got to calm down! DINOBOT: Calm... down... (shrieking) WE CAN'T SEEEEEE!!! SIPHER: Whaoh, he hit Starscream pitch there! RHINOX: ... contimated our systems! Our optical sensors... and just about everything else... are off-line. PHIL: Man, I hate it when I'm kicked off-line! RATTRAP: So... so what do we do? HEX: Enroll in umpire school immediately! RHINOX: ... it'll slow down the contamination... and possibly regenerate our systems. Beast Mode. (He transforms, but not without obvious pain and sparking mechanics) RATTRAP: Ehh... Beast Mode. CHEETOR: Beast Mode. DINOBOT: Beast Mode. ALL: Beast Mode! (They tranform, sparking and hurting) RATTRAP: Aw, slag! That was WEIRD... a-and I still can't see! CHEETOR: Me either... DINOBOT: I'll tear Scorponok's processor out for this! And Waspinator's too! SIPHER: (Wicked Witch voice) And your little wasp, too! RHINOX: It's worse than I thought... our only chance is to make it back to the base! DINOBOT: Are you INSANE?! HEX: I have a slight dementia, yeah... DINOBOT: ... when we can't see?! RHINOX: There's more than one way to see, Dinobot! PHIL: Thank you, Obi-Wan Kenobi. RHINOX: ... we don't have a choice. If we don't reach an R-Chamber within sixty cycles, the contamination will put our Sparks out! For GOOD. (Close-up of Cheetors' reaction) PHIL: Doesn't the Undertaker have eyes like that? (Commercial break) (Shot of the Predacon ship, as always grounded and surrounded by a lava field) SIPHER: THAT'LL keep the neighbor kids off your yard! (Interior) MEGATRON: (talking into a communicator) You didn't salvage the remains? (He turns and slasm his fist down on a pipe, bending it out of shape. Back out in the wild, Scorponok winces) MEGATRON: (vo) Then HOW can you be sure you destroyed them?! Go BACK there now and make certain! SCORPONOK: Yes, yes, of COURSE, Megatron! I-I TOLD Waspinator we should have done that! (Waspinator begins to tramble in anger) SIPHER: (as an angry Waspinator) Oooh, Waspinator cannot WAIT until season two! (Cut to the Maximals creeping through a foggy swamp... Rattrap has his teeth clamped on Cheetor's tail, who in turn is gently biting Dinobot's tail...) SIPHER: Now I'VE got your tail power! (Dinobot's got a grip on Rhinox's tail) DINOBOT: (sniff, then snarling) Urgh, what a LOVELY smell... we could only be in a swamp! HEX: Or in Ankh-Morpork! RHINOX: ... we just follow our noses... PHIL: And we'll find Froot Loops! (Rhinox stops suddenly. There's a screech and a clatter. The other three Maximals have slammed into each other and are lying on the ground.) SIPHER: (as Dinobot) Ow, my rigid grill structure... DINOBOT: Why are you stopping?! (He flips up and we hear a "crunch"...) RATTRAP: YEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! (Dinobot's trod right on one of Rattrap's feet) RATTRAP: Hey, lookout, willya?! That's my FOOT, moron! RHINOX: QUIET! HEX: We're sorry! PHIL: No, not us! (Tha camera begins to spin again... and animal noises become more noticable) ALL: (Various animal noises... including the "Toki-Toki Bird", cows, dogs, chickens, etc.) RHINOX: THERE! (POV shot from something above Cheetor...) (Cheetor "looks" up, and a HUGE snake appears!) SIPHER: It's Don Prudome! (The snake coils around Cheetor, crushing him) HEX: A little message from Raksha! CHEETOR: (weakly) Help me! RATTRAP: Cheetor! Cheetor! Where are ya, kiddo! PHIL: (strangled) Just listen for the crunching, idiot! RHINOX: Don't panic! DINOBOT: YOU WON'T GET ME!! (Dinobot turns and bolts... right into a tree, where he flattens out like a cartoon character) ALL: (weak, "we-don't-think-this-is-funny" laughs) CHEETOR: Rhinox... Rattrap... can't breathe... RATTRAP: I hear ya, pussycat... hang on! (He runs towards the snake... whose lashing tail swats him across the face. Rattrap stops for a second, stunned) HEX: He hit Big Jake! RATTRAP: (angry) YEAH? Well, RIGHT back atcha, pal!! (He clamps down on the snake... whose head suddenly rears up in front of him) SIPHER: I don't want none unless you got buns, hon! (With a swipe of its tail, the snake sends Rattrap flying... who lands with a thud) PHIL: Oh, there was NO receiver there! Now it's second and ten! (The snake lets go of Cheetor and slithers towards Rattrap) (Ratty jerks up) (Shot of the snake slithering closer) HEX: Bite ME, willya? RATTRAP: Where is it?! WHERE IS IT?! (The snake reaches him... rears back... and lunges... and its jaws snap shut barely an inch from Rattrap's nose. The snake turns it's head back...) PHIL: (Snakey voice) What the hell... (Camera moves down the snake's body... and we see Rhinox has firmly planted a foot down on it) PHIL: (snakey voice) Oh, sssssssssson of a... RHINOX: Got ya now! (He grabs the snake with his horn, and hurls it off into the distance) HEX: Ah, so THERE'S the flying circus! RHINOX: Cheetor... are you allright? CHEETOR: M-my shoulder's pretty torn up... a-and I feel kinda cold... SIPHER: Dr. Light'll fix you up, don't worry! PHIL: Cute. RHINOX: (to Dinobot) MAXIMALS don't abandon their own kind! (to Cheetor) On my back, Cheetor. RATTRAP: (clutching his ribs) Yeah... let's go, kiddo. (Shot of a cliff) HEX: Hey, the Cliffs of Dover! (Sipher sings a little bit of the song in question *a capella*) OPTIMUS PRIMAL: (over radio) Optmius to Tigatron! Tigtron, do you copy? PHIL: At Kinko's! You? TIGATRON: Tigatron here. OPTIMUS: (radio) Any sign of Rhinox and the others yet? TIGATRON: Negative. (shot of Maximal base interior, Optimus at control panel) TIGATRON: (radio) They're not in grid Orion. OPTIMUS: Move to grid Alpha. HEX: You sunk my battleship! OPTIMUS: I'm going to put Sentinel on automatic and search from the air. If you spot them, relay a message to Airazor. I've sent her to scout grid Delta. SIPHER: That way we don't have to pay Pauline for any lines this week. (Tigatron staring at the landscape from the cliff edge...) PHIL: The ciiiiircle... SIPHER: Stop. (Back at the slag pit... Scorponok picks up a rock in his claw, crushing it in a cloud of dust, which makes him cough) WASPINATOR: Waspinator thinks Maximals were vaporized! SCORPONOK: Well, there should be some wreckage! Er, fly higher! Scan for Energon traces! SIPHER: (as Waspinator) Yeah, scan THIS... (Waspinator transforms to robot mode and rockets up. His eyes glow red as he looks down...) ALL: (shocked noises) WASPINATOR: Oooh! Waspinator sees trail of Energon! Maybe Maximals DID survive! HEX: Or the Energon grew legs and went walkies! SCORPONOK: ... we have to find them and finish it! Or Megatron will scrap us! PHIL: Or leave a warning slip on our desks! (Back to the Maximals... Rhinox sniffs the air) RHINOX: I smell water! Fresh water! SIPHER: Then they've DEFINATELY left Ankh-Morpork. CHEETOR: Is it... the base, Rhinox? RHINOX: No, but it should be one of the falls which feeds the base! HEX: (As Audrey II) Feeeeed me!!! RHINOX: If we get to it, we can follow it! Hang on, Cheetor, we're gonna make it! CHEETOR: Yeah, yeah, sure... gonna... gonna make it... PHIL: (singing) We're not gonna make it... NO! We ain't gonna make it... (Predacon base) TARANTULAS: Megatron! I'm getting an odd reading at coordinates nine zero three! It looks like... walking Energon? HEX: Hey, I guess it DID grow legs! MEGATRON: Obviously one or more of the Maximals survived Scorponok's INEPT ambush, and is now contaminated! SIPHER: (As Megatron) See to it they do not get Propetia! MEGATRON: Seek and DESTROY!! (Commercial break) (We're back... shot of a waterfall) HEX: NIAGARA FALLS!! Slowly I turned... step by step, inch by inch... (The Maximals are at the top of the cliff) RHINOX: We made it! DINOBOT: (Over the roar of the fall) What did you say? RHINOX: I said we made it to the waterfall! DINOBOT: What a startling revelation! PHIL: Look, you've been bitching this whole trip! Is something wrong? RATTRAP: Hey guys! Over here! (He sniffs a log that spans the river) RHINOX: What is it? RATTRAP: I think we can cross! Just give me a cycle, I'm gonna check it out! (He bangs his nose on the log as he turns) HEX: So this rat walks into a bar... Ouch, he says! SIPHER: Rob, that failed on many levels. HEX: I'm not Ro- never mind. (Rattrap walks across the log... cut back to the other Maximals) PHIL: So we'll just wait here, then? (Rattrap makes it to the other side) RATTRAP: It's good! C'mon! (Waspinator flies overhead) SIPHER: (Incoherent Waspinator mutterings) (Waspy spots the Maximals crossing the log) WASPINATOR: Therrrrrrrre you are! Awww, is something wrong with Maximals? (giggles) Aw, they can't see! This will be easy! PHIL: As falling off a log! (Hex & Sipher groan) RHINOX: Wait a minute... I hear something! (An explosion hits the cliffside, and the log shifts... then plummets down the waterfall, taking the Maximals with it) HEX: Ride the Unstable Log at Wild Rivers! (The log breaks the surface,, but the Maximals don't) WASPINATOR: Waspinator must find wreckage of Maximals to take back to Megatron! TERRORSAUR: Waspinator! (flies in) Megatron sent me to aid your search! SIPHER: (Waspy voice) Oh GOODIE. WASPINATOR: Not neccessary! Waspinator has already found and destroyed Maximals! TERRORSAUR: Show me! HEX: No, not THAT! (The river... suddnely Rhinox breaks the surface) PHIL: (Lloyd Bridges voice) By this time my lungs were aching for air! (Rhinox wades ashore, where the other Maximals are coughing up water) CHEETOR: I've had enough water... to last me a stellar lifetime. HEX: Too bad you got nine lives, Garfield! DINOBOT: What irony... PHIL: Don'cha think? SIPHER: GOD, I hate her.... DINOBOT: ... to go out blind, wet and helpless! RHINOX: We're... not finished yet! DINOBOT: Spare me your eternal optimism! HEX: Spare me this mockery of justice! DINOBOT: Waspinator will be back this time! (Waspy and Terrorsaur fly through the mists... and in a fly-by shot we see the Maximals) PHIL: Ah! The silkies! TERRORSAUR: Hah! Destroyed them, did you? WASPINATOR: Waspniator is SICK of stupid Maximals! This time, will make SURE of their destruction! (They fly off) CHEETOR: What do we do, Rhinox? RHINOX: Nowhere to run... SIPHER: (singing like Ozzy) Ain't nowhere to ruuuuuun... RHINOX: Transform, now! DINOBOT: Are you insane? We can't- RATTRAP: For once, just do what Rhinox says, willya Chopperface? (He transforms) HEX: Now we can die in a different mode! (The Preds fly by and fire... and the Maxaimals fire blindly back) CHEETOR: Where are they? RATTRAP: We're scrap, man, we're scrap! PHIL: Game over, man! RHINOX: Maximals, LISTEN to me! ... Picture a targeting grid in your head. SIPHER: IN, not ON your head. RHINOX: Do you see it? DINOBOT: This is absurd! HEX: Yeah, maybe they should have tried another script. RHINOX: You can do it! (Extreme close-up of Cheetor... than black... then a grid) SIPHER: Nnnno, that's a Holodeck, Cheetor. CHEETOR: Yeah, I can see it! RATTRAP: Me too! But- RHINOX: They're coming in! stand your ground and listen for my instructions! (Rhinox rears back on his hind legs (he hasn't transformed), and spreads his forelegs out...) PHIL: How Bhuddist! HEX: Hey bhuddabhuddabhuddabhuddabhuddabhuddaSWING! TERRORSAUR: Get ready! RHINOX: Cheetor! Vector five, three, seven! Rattrap! Vector five, four, two! Dinobot! PHIL: Bite me! RHINOX: On my mark... FIRE! (Waspy and Terrorsaur fly right into a hail of fire... Terrorsaur gets hit first, flying out of control then slamming into a cliffside... or the ground...) HEX: Did he just fall sideways? WASPINATOR: Guh! Not possible! (He flies off, and several blasts follow him) (The sounds of battle carry off... and the camera moves from the waterfall to catch Tigatron running towards the noise) SIPHER: Hmm, blaster fire... what could that mean? TIGATRON: Tigatron, MAXIMIZE! (He transforms) Tigatron to Optimus Primal! Can you read me? PHIL: Like a book! RHINOX: Rattrap! Vector one, three, nine, QUICK! SIPHER: Quik! THAT'S what I'm thirsty for! (Rattrap fires straight up... and Waspinator slams into the bolt. He careens out of controll, and skips across the river edge until he hits the rocks on the other side) HEX: One, two, three... three skips, not bad! CHEETOR: Allright, we... UGH! (He sparks and falls over) RHINOX: Cheetor! DINOBOT: What happennnnrrrrgh- (He also goes down) RATTRAP: Wha's goinnnnnnnnnnnnnrgh- (Him too) RHINOX: ...Transforming speeded the contamination! SIPHER: Smooth move, Ex-Lax. (Some rocks tumble from the cliffside) RHINOX: Rhinox, MAXIMIZE! (He tranforms and pulls out his Badass Chain Gun O' Doom) ALL: THE GUN! THE GUN! WHOOO! (Optimus floats down from the mist) RHINOX: Optimus! I knew you'd.... (he too sparks and falls over) PHIl: I'd what? What? OPTIMUS: Optimus to Tigatron! Code X!! SIPHER: MegaMan X! PHIL: Look, that's ENOUGH! (Back at the Maximal base... A shot of the closed R-Chamber) SIPHER: (Game show host voice) And what's behind Door Number Two? (The R-Chamber opens up to reveal Rhinox) HEX: (Announcer voice) It's a brand new Rhinoooox! (Rhinox's eyes flicker... and thye're back to their normal red) RATTRAP: Hey, buddy! Good to... SEE ya! ALL: AAAAARGH. RATTRAP: And... thanks. CHEETOR: Goes double for me, big guy! DINOBOT: Hrrrn... I suppose you did do a... *commendable* job out there. OPTIMUS: If Rhinox hadn't gotten you as far as he did, we'd have never gotten you to the R-Chamber in time! PHIL: So SHUT UP! RHINOX: ... but all in all, I'd say it was a good experience for us. SIPHER: Yeah, I always dig almost getting killed repeatedly. DINOBOT: What in the Inferno was GOOD about it?! RHINOX: We never really appreciated what we were capable of in Beast form! HEX: That's a good lesson for EVERYBODY. SIPHER: Yeah- what?! (Rhinox transforms to Beast Mode) RHINOX: I'm gonna go smell some flowers. RATTRAP: Eh, ya know... ya gotta love the big lugnut. ALL: (fakey sitcom laughs) SIPHER: Oh, God. OFFSTAGE : _*LIGHTS!!!*_ ******************** (Pause tape, house lights on) (Sipher is buzzing around the stage, firing a Nerf "Hornet" gun) PHIL: Erm, Sipher? What are you doing? SIPHER: (All lines form here on spoken as Waspinator) Sipher negative negative negative! I am Waspinator, Predacon hero! HEX: That's nice. (slight pause) Why? SIPHER: Everybody loves Waspinator! Waspinator is popular character! Waspinator is lovable and marketable! HEX: How nice. I'll get the horse tranquilizers. SIPHER: Robby-Bot does not realize the power of Waspinator! HEX: Look, I'm NOT- PHIL: No, Rob, I think Sipher's on to something here. (HEX fights the urge to strangle PHIL.) PHIL: I mean, he IS a popular character. People like underdogs. HEX: Yeah, I mean, wasn't he supposed to be killed at the beginning of the second season? SIPHER: But Waspinator's legions of fan-bots swarmed and conquered! (Laughs, by now off-stage and in the seats) PHIL: But people get behind him! His unstoppable spirit is a BEACON of HOPE, that one CAN CONQUER and RISE ABOVE ALL OPPOSITION!!! HEX: Or maybe they just think watching him get hurt is funny. SIPHER: (stops suddenly) Hurt? (SCOTT MCNEIL suddenly stands up, right next to SIPHER) SCOTT: Well, well, looks like we've got us a wost widdle Pwed! Awwww. Maybe I should keep him *company*. SIPHER: Oh no. (SIPHER is dragged quickly from the video room, the doors closed behind them. Sounds of violence ensue.) HEX: That'll happen. PHIL: Didn't see that one coming at all, not one bit, nosiree. HEX: Not in the least. OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_ (House lights off, start "Fire on the Mountain") ******************** (Opening shot of factory) HEX: Hi, I'm Michael Moore, and this is the plant where I used to work. (Trailbreaker and Brawn in vehicle mode, following two jets) TRAILBREAKER: Maybe I'm just spinnin' my flywheels, PHIL: Oooh, sounds painful. TRAILBREAKER: ...those jets look sickeningly familiar. BRAWN: They're Decepticons, Trailbreaker. I'd recognize their slimy contrails anywhere. PHIL: Yeah, the giant purple insignias on the wings helped too. STARSCREAM: Thundercracker! Attention, transform! HEX: (woodenly, just like the last line) Okay, Starscream! THUNDERCRACKER: No Earth-made steel is gonna be strong enough! PHIL: OR made for a woman! (SIPHER stumbles on-stage and takes his seat.) PHIL: Oh, you're back. SIPHER: (weakly) I don't wanna be Waspinator any more. HEX: Oh good. (Factory doors blow up, even though 'Scream and 'Cracker are standing still in non-firing stances when the smoke clears) HEX: Hey, I didn't even have to DO anything! (Human workers panic and run) SIPHER: Oh man, they're really crackin' DOWN on those late lunch-takers! THUNDERCRACKER: Great workin' with ya, Starscream. BRAWN: Whaddaya mean, "workin'?" Looks more like stealin'! PHIL: Yeah, that's what I meant. Sorry. STARSCREAM: Out of my way, you Autobot lackey! HEX: But I'm BEHIND you! BRAWN: (???), it's fightin' time! (Turns to see the jets running) SIPHER: Looks more like Miller Time! PHIL: You've had a hard day robbing from the humans, it's Miller Time! STARSCREAM: Correction, Autobots! (Chest panels open up to reveal missile launchers) SIPHER: WHOAH! PHIL: YIKES! HEX: They SAID the bra would lift, but THIS?! (Missiles fly into the building and explode) STARSCREAM: Now that's what I call bringing the house down! (Thundercracker takes off) SIPHER: Must get away from his jokes! BRAWN: We're too late, Trailbreaker. The steel stealers are long gone. PHIL: Aww. TRAILBREAKER: Aw, hexagonal nuts! HEX: Leave my nuts out of this! SIPHER: What the hell are you talking about? HEX: (growling) nothing. (Back at Autobot HQ) OPTIMUS: It's puzzling. SIPHER: Why do people keep giving Adam Sandler movie contracts? OPTIMUS: ...would the Decepticons take those steel beams? Any thoughts, Bumblebee? BUMBLEBEE: Just one, Prime. HEX: Pleather! Lots of pleather! SPIKE: One sky spy comin' up! PHIL: (dry heaves noises) (Satellite launches) HEX: Oh, yeah, thanks guys. I couldn't have figured THAT out by myself. Sheesh. SPIKE: If the Decepticons are cooking up something, we'll pick it up soon enough! SIPHER: Exactly HOW, I haven't figured out yet, but trust me on this! PHIL: Oh, man. (Symbol transition) (Shots of mountains, with some ancient ruins) HEX: Did ancient astronauts... (Decepticons standing in front of an Incan pyramid) SOUNDWAVE: The Incan legend is true, Megatron. PHIL: These razorblades have gotten REALLY sharp! SOUNDWAVE: ...rests on a shaft... SIPHER: That Shaft IS one bad mutha- PHIL & HEX: Shut yo' mouth! SIPHER: I was just talkin' 'bout Shaft! PHIL & HEX: We can dig it! MEGATRON: If the rest of the legend is accurate... (shoots the wall open)... I will soon be master of the Crystal of Power! HEX: Better than the Crystal Bernard, I guess. (The Crystal sits on its stand) MEGATRON: Magnificent! (He approaches the Crystal) ALL: Gelfling!! A Gelfling!! (screeching) (Megatron picks up the crystal, and a pillar of fire erupts form the resting place. Megs laughs like he does a lot.) (Back on top of the pyramid) MEGATRON: Starscream! PHIL: Yo! MEGATRON: Bring me the weapon frame you and Thundercracker have made from the stolen steel! HEX: You can NEVER have enough clunky exposition. SIPHER: No sir. STARSCREAM: ...DON'T question my strentgh OR the strength of this frame, Megatron! (Starscream puts the giant crystal into the weapon frame) SIPHER: So it just rattles around inside, I guess. (The frame zaps Starscream, knocking him backwards) MEGATRON : *Forgive* me, Starscream, you have done an *excellent* job! HEX: For a total spaz. MEGATRON: ...the fiery power of the Earth's core will serve the Decepticons! PHIL: Get the brauts out! SIPHER: Who's got the potato salad? (The satellite again) SPIKE: The sky spy is over the Andes Mountains in Peru! PHIL: Sheesh. SPIKE: Uh-oh, it's picking up a weird energy reading in those ruins! SIPHER: Nice. Hey, don't you have a HOME, kid? (Laserbeak flies around just barely above the mountains. He sees the sky spy, which appears to be in orbit) HEX: You know, I don't buy that at all. (Laserbeak beams a message to Meagtron) MEGATRON: Excellent, Laserbeak! It seems we have an intruder! But not for long! (He turns and fires the cannon, which blows the DEFINATLEY in-orbit sky spy to bits) PHIL: Oh wow, you don't even have to AIM it or anything! SPIKE: What happened? (The explosion lights up the sky) SIPHER: BIG explosion for a tiny satellite. VILLIAGER 1: Look! VILLIAGER 2: What is it? VILLIAGER 3: A star? HEX: A super-star, that's what you are! OLD WOMAN: The ancient gods have returned to punish us! SIPHER: I didn't realize the Incans were Catholics. YOUNG GIRL: ...but if the Crystal of Power has been re-discovered, we have much to fear! PHIL: (as girl) We will become a tourist stop! They will build Wal-Marts nearby! HEX: (as Incan) Strip malls! Oh no! (back on the pyramid) MEGATRON: ... the power of absolute destruction is mine! STARSCREAM: You mean OURS, don't you, leader? MEGATRON: (snarling) Yes, of course. (We see the weapon barrel is red-hot and sagging) SIPHER: Sad. Wonder if there's a Cybertronian version of Viagra. HEX: (groaning) Nooooo... PHIL: (quietly) So wrong... STARSCREAM: Don't blame ME. Thundercracker swiped defective steel! ('Cracker begins circling) HEX: Let me just find my mark here... STARSCREAM: It was his fault! THUNDERCRACKER: You lie, Starscream! MEGATRON: SILENCE, you fool! (He punches 'Cracker, who falls over the edge) PHIL: The Chevy Chase of Cybertron! MEGATRON: You and Starscream remain here to guard the crystal. Skywarp, watch them. See they do no further damage. (SKYWARP laughs, Sarscream steps forward) SIPHER: (as a whiny 'Screamer) NO WAY he's MY babysitter! MEGATRON: ... mining town nearby. We'll find enough metal there to build a workable weapon frame for the crystal. PHIL: Nothing pricey, just something to last while company's over. MEGATRON: Any who stand in our way will be demolished! PHIL: What if we SIT in your way? SIPHER: Demolished. PHIL: Okay. (Cut to an icy wasteland) HEX: Commander Skywalker, do you copy? This is Rogue Two. (Wheeljack is watching Sideswipe use a jackhammer on the ice) WHEELJACK: Keep poundin', Sideswipe! HEX: *AHEM!* WHEELJACK: He'll turn up soon! SIDESWIPE: He'd better! It's cold enough to freeze the aerlerons off a titanium moose-bot! SIPHER: You're just making that crap up, aren't you? PHIL: Moose-bot crap. (The ice breaks, and a giant chunk of ice floats up) WHEELJACK: Bingo! SIDESWIPE: (In an unusually raspy voice) It's Skyfire! HEX: Yikes, need a losenge, 'Swipe? (Wheeljack fires his shoulder cannon at the ice chunk, which melts half away, revealing Skyfire in jet mode.) PHIL: Huh. WHEELJACK: Skyfire, are you warm enough to transform? SKYFIRE: I... I hope so... (The jets flare... and we cut to Skyfire transforming, no ice breaking or anything) HEX: THAT was easy. SKYFIRE: Thanks, Wheeljack. I'd just about had it with the deep freeze treatment. SIPHER: Say, WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU GET ME OUTTA THERE SEVERAL EPISODES AGO, DAMMIT?!?!?! WHEELJACK: ...and fly to the Andes Mountains! PHIL: (annoyed) Oh, sure, anything _ELSE_ I can do for ya?! How are ya fixed for socks and underwear?! (Cut to Skyfire flying through the mountains) SKYFIRE: Brawn, Windcharger, there's a Decepticon formation below! MEGATRON: It's that traitor Skyfire! HEX: It's not often you see a traitor in the wild. BRAWN: We got it covered, Skyfire. You check out the mysterious energy readings in those ruins, and when you get back... HEX: Oh, I got back allright! SIPHER: Argh. WINDCHARGER: And we'll let you play Kick The Can with what's left of Megatron and his Merry Machines! PHIL: Rather confident, aren't you? BRAWN: Okay Windcharger, let's go! (they jump out of Skyfire) SOUNDWAVE: The Autobot jet is afraid to fight! BRAWN: Wrong again, you dip-stick tape deck! HEX: STILL better than an eight-track. (Brawn & Windcharger land on Soundwave & Reflector's backs, respectively) WINDCHARGER: We just didn't want him to spoil OUR fun! SIPHER: He's a disposable character anyway! He hasn't even got a toy! BRAWN: YAHOOOO! YEE-HAAAW!! PHIL: Who are you, Slim Pickins? (Megatron lands) BRAWN: You're next, you airborne garbage bucket! MEGATRON: You must have a blow-out in your logic circuits! SIPHER: Ooooh, GOOD one, Oscar Wilde. MEGATRON: ...midget like you can handle the might of Megatron! (Megatron shoots Brawn in the chest, who flies into Soundwave) PHIL: See! He survived a chest shot! He COULDN'T have died in the movie! WINDCHARGER: ... I think old laser-breath may have a point! (He transformes to car mode and drives off) (Brawn tries to extract his arm from the cliffside) HEX: How'd I get my arm trapped in here again? BRAWN: ... and miss all the fun? WINDCHARGER: Remind me to discuss your definition of "fun" sometime! SIPHER: Hey, Windcharger, discuss my definition of fun sometime! HEX: I meant LATER! SIPHER: Oh. WINDCHARGER: ... come in, Skyfire! (Laserbeak persues Windcharger) SKYFIRE: Read you loud and clear, little buddy! PHIL: (exasperated) Whaddya want NOW? (Soundwave shoots Brawn a few times... in the head!) BRAWN: Ouch! Hey, that's murder on my audio receptors! PHIL: See? Two shots to the head and STILL kickin'! (Megatron transforms to gun mode, flying into Soundwave's hand) MEGATRON: Finish him, Soundwave! HEX: Pull my trigger! (Brawn dodges the blasts) SIPHER: Did I fire six plasma blasts, or only five? In all the exitement- PHIL: Okay, okay. That's enough. BRAWN: ... if you don't get me outta here fast, there won't be enough left of me for spare parts! PHIL: They cannot vanquish you, Brawn! You are Mighty! SIPHER: And you tell ME to stop? (fade out, fade right back in) (Windcharger is still being persued by Laserbeak) (Overhead shot of Windcharger and a TON of laserfire) HEX: DAMN, that's a lot of fire from two tiny gun barrels. WINDCHARGER: ... we've only got one chance, so be ready! SIPHER: To RUM-BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!! BRAWN: Beleive me Windcharger, I'm the readiest! PHIL: No, *I* am! (Megatron leaps out of Soundwave's hand and transforms) MEGATRON: I'll take care of this - PERSONALLY! (He takes off while Soundwave just stands there) HEX: Okay then, buh-bye. SKYFIRE: Okay guys, this is it! SIPHER: This is WHAT? SKYFIRE: Five! HEX: Three, sir! SKYFIRE: Four! PHIL: (singing) - the taste of it... SKYFIRE: Three! Two! (Windcharger reaches Brawn) WINDCHARGER: I'm comin', Brawn baby! SIPHER: (as Brawn leaps onto Windcharger's hood) Oh DARLING! (kissy noises) (Skyfire catches Brawn & Windcharger in mid-air) BRAWN: Thanks, guys. If either of you had been one astro-second later, I'd have been a pile of piston dust! HEX: Pissed-in dust? That's SICK! SIPHER: Yuck. SKYFIRE: What are friends for? WINDCHARGER: Speaking of friends, let's go back to headquarters and rustle up a few more! PHIL: So, what was the POINT of this little excursion? HEX: To eat up time. (Back at Autobot HQ. Autobots are loading into an overly big Skyfire) SIPHER: He's HUGE! SKYFIRE: Okay, everyone. Buckle up for safety! PHIL: And now you know! HEX: And knowing is half- SIPHER: Wrong half-hour Hasbro commerical, guys. (Autobots unloading) SKYFIRE: Prime, if my sensors are in sync- SIPHER: I HATE that group. SKYFIRE: ... a mining town just up the road. PHIL: WHAT road? HEX: Just up the dirt, then. (Skyfire flies off) OPTIMUS: Autobots, ROLL! SIPHER: And there's MegaMan, too! PHIL: _STOP_ it! (Skyfire lands in the ruins) SKYFIRE: (chuckle) I'm too darn big to sneak around like this. HEX: It's a filthy habit, I know. (Shot of a winding dirt road) SIPHER: Damn, is I-40 ever NOT in need of repair? (Inside a steel plant... the Decepticons are pulling glowing steel beams out of tanks with their bare hands while workers panic) ALL: Ow! Hot! Ooh! (Assorted noises) (Outside) OPTIMUS: I'd say Decepticons are in the neighborhood! BRAWN: I sure hope so! Me and Windcharger got a score to settle! OPTIMUS: Welcome to the club! PHIL: I'm not just the Autobot leader, I'm also a client! (Optimus smashes through the doors in truck mode, and rams Megatron through a wall. He transforms) OPTIMUS: Now, Autobots! Finish them off! HEX: Prime, we haven't even STARTED yet...! (Meagtron reaches for his fusion cannon, but Brawn snags it with a claw in jeep mode.) BRAWN: Just what I've always wanted! SIPHER: You'll shoot your eye out, kid! (Brawn transforms) BRAWN: Let's see how Megatron likes a dose of his own medicine! (He fires, hitting Megatron in the stomachological region. The force of the shot puts Brawn on his backside.) BRAWN: Now THAT was a kick! HEX: Silly Auto, kicks are for trids! SIPHER: I'm going to hit you SO hard... (Laserbeak snags the canon) BRAWN: Bring that back you bird-brain! (Laserbeak tosses it to Megatron, who re-attaches it to his arm) MEGATRON: No-one does that to me, and continues to function! (He fires, but Brawn dodges) (Soundwave and Reflector fire at Bluestreak and Windcharger, who dodge... but the bolts knock over a light tower, which starts falling towards the young girl from earlier) YOUNG GIRL: HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! SIPHER: (same panicky tone) I just happened to be in the neighborhoooooood! (Bumblebee, with Spike at the wheel, drives up, grabs her, and drives to relative safety) YOUNG GIRL: You have saved my life! I thank you! BUMBLEBEE: Hang on kids, it's not over yet! (Shot of Bumblebee's rearview mirror... Laserbeak flies into view) PHIL: Decepticons in mirror are closer than they appear. GIRL: ... they are the ones who stole the ancient Crystal of Power! (Laserbeak chases Bumblebee out of the plant and onto a dirt road... and we hear a familiar engine whine) SIPHER: Damn, Laserbeak's got a TIE Fighter engine! (Laserbeak pulls back... because Bumblebee has just driven behind Bluestreak, who takes aim) HEX: Whoah, he's fast! BLUESTREAK: Watch the birdie, Laserbeak! (Sipher gives the screen the "birdie") (Laserbeak gets shot down) PHIL: Yes, definately a TIE Fighter engine. SPIKE: What is this Crystal of Power? GIRL: I will take you to it! (Symbol transition) (Megatron wades through the explosions. Several small shots bounce off his chest with no effect. Close-up of Megatron) MEGATRON: Skywarp! (More shots bounce off) HEX: Throw the gun at him, it works on Superman! (Long shot of the temple) MEGATRON: (radio) Leave Starscream and Thundercracker to watch the Crystal, and come immediately! STARSCREAM: How DARE you assign me to guard duty, Megatron! SIPHER: (As Megatron) Ram it, clown! STARSCREAM: I am Starscream the mighty! SKYWARP: Have a good time playing Crystal nurse, Screamer! HEX: Isn't "Crystal Nurse" a porn star? SIPHER: (cough!) I wouldn't know. (At the foot of the mountain) GIRL: This secret passageway leads to the Inca temple! (Sudden cut to Soundwave) ALL: (Suprised by bad jump-cut) PHIL: Where'd HE come from?! SOUNDWAVE: Ravage, eject! Operation: elimination! ALL: EEEEEEEEYUUUUUUUUUUW! (Skyfire walking up the temple steps) SKYFIRE: I must destroy their new weapon! SIPHER: (woodenly) I must kill the Queen... THUNDERCRACKER: (from behind) Yeah, but even without our new weapon I can fry your circuits extra crispy! HEX: Skywarp does original recipe! THUNDERCRACKER: Megatron would love it! PHIL: Eleven herbs and spices! THUNDERCRACKER: ... but that geeky Starscream would take all the credit! On the other hand, if I let you wreck our new weapon, Megatron might blame Starscream! Which would make me *verrry* happy! STARSCREAM: (from behind them both) Thundercracker!! You putrid traitor! PHIL: Yeah? Oops! Damn! (Starscream fires, but Thundercracker ducks. The bolt hits Skyfire square in the chest and he falls backwards... but the next shot has him falling FORWARD over the edge of the temple) HEX: WHAT?! SIPHER: Was there a second Decepticon behind the grassy knoll or something?! STARSCREAM: So much for the Autobot intruder... and as for YOU, traitor, from now on you will do EXACTLY what this geeky Decepticon tells you, or I'll report your treachery to Megatron... HEX: And of COURSE he'll trust YOU, Starscream... (pppphhh!) (Symbol transition) SKYWARP: Skywarp here, reporting for duty! MEGATRON: Decepticons! PHIL: Retrea- no, not yet! Sorry! MEGATRON: ... for the weapon frame! (Reflector loads some still-glowing beams into Skywarp) SIPHER: AGH! THEY'RE STILL HOT!! WAAGH!! (The Decepticons fly off) MEGATRON: For our friends, a little going away present! HEX: (Don Pardo voice) They get the Transformers Home Game!! (Megatron fires into the mountainside, which causes an avalanche) (Shot of panicing yet stock still villiagers) HEX: (singing) I feel the earth, move... SIPHER: No, please don't... (Commercial break blackout... and we're back!) OPTIMUS: Autobots, weapons ready! Commence firing! PHIL: Try not to hit too many Incans! That would be bad! (The firepower turns the avalanche into harmless gravel) (The villagers cheer!) SIPHER: Now we can pave our driveways! Hooray! (Symbol transition) (Bumblebee driving through the temple) SPIKE: Are you sure this leads to the temple? HEX: (As girl) Hey, who's the Incan around here, white boy? (Ravage follows Bumblebee...) (Thundercracker and Starscream carry the prone Skyfire into the temple) MEGATRON: Starscream, and Thundercracker... PHIL: (deep voice) And Joe! MEGATRON: Skyfire is an excellent catch! In fact, once we re-wire his logic circuits, he may even become one of us! (to himself)... and far more valuable than the two of you! HEX: At least, according to Lee's Action Figure News. PHIL: Are we talking mint in package or loose? (Bumblebee comes in through a secret door. Spike gets out) SPIKE: (whiny) Bumblebee, look! It's Skyfire, and he's hurt! SIPHER: (whiny noise) (Back on top of the temple) (Megatron fires the new gun, which blows off the top of a mountain) MEGATRON: (laughs) Perfect! Absolute perfection! HEX: THAT'S what we need! (Back to temple interior) BUMBLEBEE (staring at the pillar of fire) There's more energy here than in ten Cybertronic Energon smelters! GIRL: The Ancient Ones knew many things! SIPHER: (as girl) Like how too keep their hamburger fresh! SPIKE: (fiddling inside Jetfire) This circuitry is way beyond me! HEX: So's a toaster, kid! (Sanrling is heard, and Ravage pops up) SIPHER: Kitty! SPIKE: Just what we need... a visiting Decepticon! (Bumblebee jumps in front of Ravage) BUMBLEBEE: Keep working, Spike! I'll keep him busy! PHIL: You work while he tears me to shreds! That should buy you about five seconds! (The Autobots drive towards the temple) (Megatron laughs as he plays with the canon... we see through the scope) HEX: What, is he on the Incan Book Depository? (Brawn & Windcharger brake) WINDCHARGER: Uhhh... Brawn? SIPHER: Er, your muffler's draggin, you might wanna fix that... OPTIMUS: Autobots, prepare for battle! MEGATRON: I'll give you a battle you won't forget! PHIL: So in other words, we're gonna live through this so we can remember it, right? (The blasts from the cannon hits some rocks, which apparently buries the Autobots in car mode) MEGATRON: (luaghs more) Such is the fate of all who oppose me! SIPHER: (as Megatron) No boulder is safe! (Trailbreaker transforms and breaks free of the rocks) TRAILBREAKER: (???) It's not over yet, Megadunce! MEGATRON: Decepticons! Melt them down! (Decepticons pop up from behind rocks) HEX: Jeez, it's like "Hoagan's Alley"! (Optimus & Ironhide take defensive positions) OPTIMUS: LET 'EM HAVE IT! (Back to temple interior, while Bumblebee plays with Ravage) (Cut to close-up of Bumblebee & Ravage) PHIL: You know, if they'd had him spayed he'd be much more docile! BUMBLEBEE: Spike! I can't... hold out much longer! (Spike reconnects a plug) SPIKE: There! I think I got it! BUMBLE: I hope so... because I'm sure getting it! ALL: WHOOOOO! (Ravage knocks Bumblebee away, then turns and leaps at the humans) SPIKE: Skyfire, you're okay! (Skyfire holds Ravage in his hand) SIPHER: (As Dr. Evil) Ahh, Mister Bigglesworth, there you are. (He tosses Ravage away) SIPHER: (Still Dr. Evil) Go play with Mini-Me. BUMBLEBEE: Hey, c'mon guys, there's a battle out there! SKYFIRE: Then let's get involved! HEX: (As Arnold Rimmer) Time for a major leaflet campaign! (Skyfire rockets out of the temple) PHIL: So long, suckers!!! BRAWN: Skyfire, allright! (Optimus & Ironhide rush on the temple... but Ironhide takes a shot from the cannon and falls over) HEX: Hey Megs, what setting do you have that cannon on? IRONHIDE: This is what separates the Autobots form the robot chikens! BRAWN: Ain't no-one callin' ME a robot chicken! PHIL: Hey, why did the robot chicken cross the road? HEX: I'll get back to you on that... (Brawn & Windcharger rush up the temple steps, but Starscream appears and fires. Windcharger takes a shot and falls) BRAWN: No-one does that to MY buddy! SIPHER: Or him! (Brawn does a flying tackle into Starscream, and they both slam into Megatron) MEGATRON: Watch it, you fool! (The cannon waves wildy, and Ironhide makes another try for the top) SIPHER: Okay, this gun can blow up mountains, but it'll only lightly concuss an Autoobt. (Soundwave & Reflector fire at some Autobots... then Skyfire flies overhead. The two Decepticons fall over as their cover falls apart, with no gunfire or explosion effects) HEX: Imagine if he'd SHOT them! (Brawn & Starscream fall off the edge, but Brawn rights himself while 'Screamer tumbles.) BRAWN: Ya washed up, Starscream? (Megatron hold Ironhide high above his head) PHIL: The Big Show's got Ironhide in the air! Oh no! (Megatron tosses Ironhide at Optimus, but he catches him. They both look up as Meagtron aims the cannon at them) MEGATRON: Kiss your magna-fusers goodbye, Autobots? HEX: Aren't Magna-Fuzors the new Beast Wars toys? (Skyfire strafes the temple roof, destroying the cannon) SIPHER: That was a pretty pathetic ultimate weapon there, Meggy. MEGATRON: You'll pay for this, Skyfire! PHIL: You'd better have insurance! (Optimus leaps up and grabs Megatron from behind) OPTIMUS: Guess again, Megatron! (He tosses Megatron over the side, and Megs lands on his back in the dirt) MEGATRON: Decepticons! Retreat! HEX: Ah, THERE we go. PHIL: Was waiting for that. (The Decepticons fly off) THUNDERCRACKER: What's the matter, fearless leader? You and Starscream look real GEEKY! Maybe the Autobots aren't such wimps after all! STARSCREAM: Does he HAVE to make that awful thunder noise? I've got a headache! SIPHER: Do you have to talk? I'VE got a headache! PHIL: Really. MEGATRON: I shall be avenged, Autobots! I SHALL RETUUUUURRRRN! HEX: Same Decepticon-Time, same Decepticon-Channel! (Back on the temple top, which is spewing the flame pillar) GIRL: Do you think Wheeljack's invention will work? SIPHER: Is a bear the Pope in the woods? Wait a minute... GIRL: Without the crystal to regulate the energy, the whole mountain could explode! SPIKE: With Wheeljack's inventions, you never can tell! PHIL: Gee. (Wheeljack & Skyfire are holding a rather glorified manhole cover) WHEELJACK: Okay, Skyfire, let's cap this energy gusher! (They place the cap on top of the hole, and the pillar disperses) (Overhead shot of the cap) HEX: And so the fire just fills up the temple until THAT explodes. SIPHER: Basically, yes. BRAWN: Hey, guys, that's out cue! (He and several other Autobots in car mode turns on their headlights, lighting up the temple) WHEELJACK: Thanks, Autobuddies! Y'know, it sure is nice when one of my inventions actually works! PHIL: KABOOOOOM!!! SPIKE: It's not that we had any doubts, Wheeljack... GIRL: ... But you don't suppose we could... SIPHER: Figure out what my name is? (Bumblebee transforms, Spike and the girl get in) BUMBLEBEE: We're on our way! HEX: (as old scientist from "Rocketship X-M") We're on our waaay! (The Autobots drive off) GIRL: And when we get back home, I want Bumblebee to meet my brother's convertable! We call her Juanita! And I think the two of them will get along just fine! HEX: Hey, it's auto-eroticism! SIPHER: Arrrgh. OFFSTAGE : _*LIGHTS!!!*_ ******************** (pause tape, house lights on) (Phil is sitting at the desk, with charts, a lot of papers and a pointer. He's looking rather stern.) PHIL: Good day, fellow truth-seekers. Today we shall part the veil of secrets and web of lies surrounding the supposed "death" of a vitally important figure in the history of the Transformer race. I refer, of course, to... (looks around) PHIL: To... refer... to... uh, Christy? My visual aid? (Sipher walks in, fairly irritated at being called "Christy". He tosses the study aid at Phil and walks off wihtout a word, but several snarling looks) (Phil holds up the study aid to show the audience... a picture of Brawn) PHIL: I refer of course to BRAWN! Yes, never has there been a larger veil of se- no, wait, used that one... er... maze of deception - yeah, that's a good one - maze of deception concerning a wartime hero. As we all know, in "Transformers: The Movie", Brawn was shown to have suffered a *single* shoulder wound from Megatron during a shuttle battle, which is *supposed* to have been fatal. Can we run that footage, Christy? SIPHER: (from off-stage) No. PHIL: (pause, very still) Allright. Yet as we saw in "Fire on the Mountain", Brawn withstood *several* blasts from Megatron with no visible damage. Can we run THAT foo- SIPHER: (still offstage) NO! PHIL: Okay. Thank you. While this alone is suspicious, there are other pieces to this puzzle. We now turn to Rob, who is with Brawn's widow Melanie. (Phil turns to Hex and "Melanie", who are sitting on stools just off-stage) HEX: NOT Rob. I'm HEX. PHIL: Just get on with the interview, Rob! HEX: (groan...) Okay. Um, Melanie, tell us about when you last saw your... (pause, not really believing what he's about to say) husband. MELANIE: Well, it was May 14th, 2005. (Hex stops and looks around, silently mouthing "2005?") MELANIE: It was about 2:30 in the afternoon. I remember that I told him he needed to pick up some formula and Penzoil for the children next time he was on Earth. HEX: Err... children? MELANIE: Yes, we have three children... two girls and a range rover. (Hex once again looks around in total confusion, silently mouthing "You've gotta be f%^#in' kidding me!") MELANIE: (continuing while all this is going on) He said that he had just been assigned to a short hop to Autobot City on Earth. However, he seemed a bit worried... I mean, his toy hadn't been selling as well as some others, and he said he'd overheard a few things at Hasbro's corporate office... he said he'd left some papers in our safe deposit box. And that he had something important to discuss when he got back. HEX: Except... he never returned. MELANIE: (Dabbing at her eyes with a tissue) Yes. They said he had died in the Autobot City battle... but they never let us see the chassis! HEX: I see. MELANIE: (in tears) And when we openend the safe deposit box after they told us he was d- (sniffle)... gone, there was nothing! I know he wouldn't lie to us! There HAD to be something that SOMEBODY took from that safe deposit box! (In hysterics) BUT WHAT?! HEX: Thank you, ma'am. Thank you. I'm sorry. (Rolling his eye) REALLY sorry. Phil? PHIL: Thank you, Rob. HEX: _HEX!_ PHIL: And that's not- (One final, over-done ham-acted hypervantalting wail from Melanie) PHIL: ... And that's not all that we have discoverd while exploring this web... er, maze of- SIPHER: (Still offstage) Used that one! PHIL: Err... enigma wrapped in a riddle? SIPHER: That's just stupid! PHIL: ... shadowy trail of... not-really-truths? SIPHER: Whatever! PHIL: Shadowy trail of not-really-truths. This anonymous Hasbro employee tells us this story. (Back to HEX. A HASBRO REP is now on the other stool, his/her identity cleverly concealed by a strip of black construction paper taped over her eyes.) HEX: Now, tell us what happened. HASBRO: Well, I was working on some research for some of our upcoming Transformers items, and I had to go down to the archives... HEX: Ah, this is where they store the Optimus Prime toys with the Matrix and the hundreds of Unicron and Arcee toys, right? HASBRO: (pause) No. What have you been smoking? (back to intently serious) Anyway, I found myself in a part of the archives I wasn't familiar with. I tripped over a power cord, and saw a black folder with "Brawn Files" printed on it on a bottom shelf as I picked myself up. I opened to look at it, since I knew Brawn was a popular character... and... (looks around) Err, you CAN insure my anonynimity, right? HEX: Of course we can, Andy. (Realization dawns on both of them) Aw, _*CRAP!!*_ (Hasbro rep rips off the black construction paper and runs out of the room) PHIL: A chilling tale, no doubt. Fellow truth-seekers - SIPHER: Used THAT one too! PHIL: (not missing a beat) Shut up. Fellow truth-seekers, I can now tell you that I have the answer, I know the fate of this machine. Within this file (holds up a manilla envelope) is the key to this mystery, the last piece of the puzzle! For over a decade the truth has been concealed to us but now, we shall all know - (The lights suddenly go out. There is a scream (Melanie, probably) and a gunshot. The lights come back on, and Phil is slumped over the desk, not moving.) (Sipher & Hex walk up. Sipher prods the immobile Phil.) SIPHER: Phil? You there? HEX: Doesn't look like it. Huh. (Rummages through the papers on the desk) Looks like that secret file's missing. Wonder what was in it. SIPHER: Yeah. (pause) Lunch? HEX: Sure! SIPHER: Subway sound good? HEX: I've got a coupon! OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_ SIPHER: Aw, crap! (House lights off, start "God Gambit") ******************** (Title on screen: THE GOD GAMBIT Written by: Buzz Dixon) HEX: The second man on the Moon wrote a Transformers script? SIPHER: No, that's Buzz *Aldrin*. HEX: So Buzz Aldrin wrote a Transformers script? SIPHER: *NO*, just... never mind. (Asteroids disappear from left as Saturn appears to the right. As soon as one of the moons enters the shot...) HEX: Hey I can see Uranus! (laughs) SIPHER: That's the big, gassy one, right? HEX: The one that we're always probing! SIPHER: It's the seventh planet in the system! Hahahahaaathat wasn't funny, was it? HEX: No, not at all. SIPHER: Sorry. (Humanoids carrying baskets on their heads towards a temple on top of a mountain. Cut to blue-skinned dude inside the temple looking down onto the carriers.) JERROL: Hurry, they're almost here! HEX: Everyone hide! (Assorted snickering) SIPHER: (giddy) They're gonna be so suprised! (Inside the god statue, two glowing purple orbs are placed in the eye holes.) SIPHER: They must've put WD-40 on the joints, very quiet. (In a cave in the wall, more humanoids pull levers to lift up the statue's arms.) JERROL: If the God isn't ready, you'll scrub the temple floors with your tongues! HEX: But the God won't come out of his trailer after the brown M&Ms incident! (Tha carriers finally arrive) JERROL: Behold the Sky God! Look ye on his might and dispair! (Cut to the statue's glowing eyes. Then the arms move up & down. SIPHER: Look ye at how he feels like chicken tonight! JERROL: He demands your harvest offerings! HEX: And there better not be any brown M&Ms! (Phil gets in his seat) PHIL: Gee, thanks for helping, guys. SIPHER: Well, you look okay now. (Jarrol kicks over a basket that barely has any fruit in it.) JERROL: Call THIS an offering?!? FRIZZY-HAIRED EXTRA: (begging) Please. My family starves. HEX: I spent all our money on hairspray! JERROL: (pointing to robot) The Sky Gods will SHOW NO MERCY. (Quick cut to...) TALARIA: Follow me! (Various pastel-clothed humanoids rush up. The dudes at the fully are conked out without any sound effects) PHIL: Good thing they put silencers on those spears! (More rebels unlock the pully, and the Sky God crumbles) TALARIA: Jerrol! Your sky Gods are an excuse for high taxes and harsh laws! PHIL: Well, YOU come up with a better excuse for 'em! JERROL: You will be punished for your blasphemy, Talaria. TALARIA: Try your superstious drivel elsewhere, Jerrol. I believe in reason and common sense. SIPHER: Which is JUST as rediculous! (In outer space... inside Saturn's rings. Two laser beams quietly destroy some rocks) PHIL: New, from Atari! (Cosmos zips by, dodging laser beams) COSMOS: Ye-ouch! (Earth, Teletran 1 at Autobot HQ.) COSMOS: (voice-over) Cosmos to Autobot base, come in Optimus Prime. I've got energy data on my tapes and Astrotrain on my tail. SIPHER: And Georgia on my mind. PHIL: And the rhythym in my soul. HEX: And a rash on my- SIPHER & PHIL: _NO!_ PERCEPTOR: The Decepticons will do *anything* to gain access to that information. OPTIMUS: Cosmos, beam us the data. (RA blocks OP's hands from touching the pannel.) RED ALERT: Too dangerous, Prime. HEX: Try that again an pull back an oily stump, kid! (Quick cut back to Cosmos) COSMOS: Read you, Red Alert. (More shooting. Cut to Starscream & Thrust inside Astrotrain.) COSMOS: I'll deliver my message in *person*. THRUST: Astrotrain, you're running outta energy. ASTROTRAIN: Silence, Thrust. I'm in complete control. Complete control... SIPHER: FORGET. FORGET. (Astrotrain fires, destroys an asteroid, then fires again. He hits Cosmos, who transforms and falls.) COSMOS: Ag. Ionic blast! HEX: (unconcerned) Whoop. Damn shame. Oh well. (Back to Auto HQ) OPTIMUS: Cosmos, come in! (Cosmos bounces uncontrolably off of every stray astroid he comes in contact w/.) SIPHER: (as Jon Lovitz, as he hits each one) Ow... Ow.... (Back on the moon, around a giant campfire.) TALARIA: Jerrol and the astrologer priests use false gods to enslave and rob you! FRIZZY-HAIRED EXTRA: No! The Sky Gods are real! They reward us for our sacrifices! PHIL: In a really vague way! (Quick sniplet to Cosmos & then back to Talaria.) TALARIA: How? By keeping us in a land where food is scarce and children starve? HEX: Hollywood? JARROL (tied up by ropes): The Sky Gods forbid us to move to another land. That's why the chasms were formed. TALARIA: They forbid? Or YOU forbid, Jarrol? SIPHER: Nyeh. TALARIA: SHOW me a Sky God... PHIL: And I'll show you an omnicient being with its head in the clouds! SIPHER: AUGH. (A fireball/Cosmos falls in the sky, and hits the ground) SIPHER: (Still as Lovitz) OW... (Comsos stands up... then topples) SIPHER: (Lovitz still) Ow. JARROL: It appears the Sky Gods have bane to answer your challenge, Talaria. HEX: Neener. Neener. Neener. (Astrotrain, Starscream & Thrust land at the temple) STARSCREAM: Here's the church, here's the steeple... open the doors and where are the people? PHIL: Your pathetic rhyming has put them to sleeple! THRUST: (pointing) *There* are the people! HEX: See how they creeple! PHIL: These natives are stupid as sheeple! SIPHER: STOP!! ('Cons see smoke. Camera zooms in on the squishies & Cosmos.) JARROL: Behold! The Sky God! SIPHER: Er, yeah! Sky God, that's the ticket! GRAY-HAIRED EXTRA: (on his knees) It's *true*! The Sky Gods exist! (Talaria takes his arm & tries pulling him back up) TALARIA: Get up! This is one of Jarrol's tricks. (Back to Astrotrain & 'cons.) ASTROTRAIN: These fools worship Transformers! SIPHER: What kind of sad, pathetic losers would do THAT?! PHIL: Sheesh. HEX: Lame, man. ASTROTRAIN: If I claimed to be their supreme God, they will bow to the Decepticons! STARCREAM: Why should *you* claim to be their Supreme God? I'm a *much* better choice! PHIL: For Supreme Spaz. (Astrotrain chokes Starscream for 1st line.) ASTROTRAIN: *Quiet*, Starscream. I've got a coronation to attend. HEX: This is bad com- oh wait. (Astrotrain transforms into train mode. Back to squishies) JARROL: *Bow* down! Worship the *true* Gods! SIPHER: Just forget the earlier fake ones! (Astrotrain smashes through the forest, scattering the aliens.) HEX: It's an Amtrak! RUN! (Astrotrain then transforms to shuttle mode w/ Thrust & Starscream following in a u-turn.) PHIL: It's an air show! RUN! (The trio then transform and land.) ASTROTRAIN: I am Astrotrain, mightiest of ALL the Gods! Fall down and worship your new master, WORMS! SIPHER: Call me Doctor Worm! ASTROTRAIN: From this day forward, ALL who defy me DIE! (Quick fade. Starscream & Thrust carry Cosmos into the shrine.) ASTROTRAIN: Prop up that hunk of junk *there*! HEX: (Stoner voice) Next to my beer can collection. (Starscream & Thrust follow orders & prop up Cosmos.) STARSCREAM: Why do *we* do all the work? THRUST: Because Astrotrain'll *vaporize* us if we don't. PHIL: We don't even get tip money, man! BLACK-HAIRED EXTRA: What is the God Astrotrain doing? JARROL: SILENCE, fool! Isn't it obvious? SIPHER: (meekly) No? JARROL: He's making an idol to worship. SIPHER: A Billy Idol. HEX: Oh Gods... ASTROTRAIN: Here is Cosmos' precious energy data, and here is what immobilized him! (laughs) What a pity, Cosmos. Reconnect one little wire... PHIL: And you'd get HBO for free. ASTROTRAIN: ...and you can call for help. (Talaria has been eavesdropping & hears Astrotrain's statement.) THRUST: Speaking of help, you burned up most of your energy chasing Cosmos. Better call Megatron... ASTROTRAIN: No! *I* am in control here! STARSCREAM: Then we're stuck on this mud ball? SIPHER: (As Yoda) Mud ball? My *home* this is! (Later, Talaria climbs down to Cosmos on a rope, opens his chest panel, and reconnects the one wire. Cosmos' chest opens up w/ a tv of Optimus.) OPTIMUS: Cosmos, what happened? We've been trying to reach you for hours! TALARIA: The...the one you called Cosmos is hurt. OPTIMUS: Quickly! What planet are you on? TALARIA: Planet? I don't know the word. HEX: Despite my otherwise fluent English! OPTIMUS: Never mind. You should see a glowing red light. Touch it... PHIL: He, hey, HEY! OPTIMUS: ...and you'll send a signal beacon. We'll do the rest. (The screen turns into what looks like a sonar screen.) ASTROTRAIN: That's Cosmos' signal beacon! HEX: I'd like a slice of beacon right now. ASTROTRAIN: She has led the Autobots here, but they will *not* find her alive. (Starscream fires his cannon...) ("commercial break") (Starscream fires his cannon...) SIPHER: Flashback! (The blast misses. Talaria slides down a rope & tries to run out, but Thrust blocks her path.) THRUST: Going somewhere? HEX: Uh, yeah. Out, really. STARSCREAM: We wouldn't *hear* of it! (Cosmos flutters into consciousness.) COSMOS: Du,,,De... SIPHER: (Mo-Ron voice) Dyaaaaaaaarrrr... COSMOS: Decepticons... (Cosmos fires at Starscream, who falls on his chest, fists clenched) PHIL: (Makes baby crying noises) (Talaria runs past him and escapes. Thrust runs behind Astrotrain) THRUST: Cosmos is reactivated! (Thrust runs beind Astrotrain.) ASTROTRAIN: Coward! His damage has... (grunt) HEX: Sorry, let one go there! (Astrotrain fires at Cosmos with blasters in his helmet) SIPHER: Glad I got those installed! (Cosmos falls over) (Back on Earth. A crow caws in the background) PHIL: Crooooooooooooow... (Optimus, Jazz, Perceptor, Red Alert and Omega Supreme are in a small field outside of Auto HQ) OMEGA SUPREME: To reach Titan, Energry output 97%. Once there, transformation impossible. OPTIMUS: That's why 2 Autobots will ride with you: to rescue Cosmos and find energy for you. I will be one of them and... RED ALERT: Hold it, Optimus. We can't *risk* losing *you*. HEX: Not until 2005, at any rate! JAZZ: That's where *we* come in. PERCEPTOR: I'm the only one cabable of deciphering Cosmos' data. JAZZ: And me, I just like kickin' Decepticon cans. SIPHER: With a Hong-Kong Fooey CHOP! OMEGA: Talk, excessive. Time, limited. (OS messily transforms by coming apart.) PHIL: It's like Jenga in slo-mo. (Jazz & Perceptor enter Omega's rocket portion. The gantry portion moves away from the rocket) HEX: So the rest of you isn't coming with? (Omega blasts off.) OPTIMUS: Let's hope it's not just a *one-way* trip. PHIL: Or a US Air flight. SIPHER: Wagh. (OS enters space.) (Symbol transition) SIPHER: (A capella along with the music) (Back on Titan. In a cave full of crystals) PHIL: The secret DeBeers stockpile. (Jarrol walks in, arms outstretched.) JARROL: Here, Oh Mighty Astrotrain, the Fire Gods' lair I told you of. HEX: So what natural phenomena DON'T you attribute to a god of some kind? (The 3 'cons enter through the wall. They walk past the crystals, but Starscream stops to examine them.) STARSCREAM: Look at this! I've never seen crystals so rich in energy! SIPHER: (As BW Megatron) Yess! This planet has Energon! ASTROTRAIN: This must be what Cosmos discovered. (Starscream starts juggling a crystal.) PHIL: That's probably a bad idea... ROBED EXTRA: Jarrol! The crystals are taboo! The ancient tablets say... JARROL: TABOO?! To a God? Lord Astrotrain may do with them as he wishes! (Astrotrain smiles & reaches for a clump of crystals.) (symbol transition) PHIL: (a capella along with the music) (OS reaches Titan's atmosphere.) PERCEPTOR: What does your energy reserves status, Omega Supreme? OMEGA: Dwindling. PHIL: Must be the interest meter. (OS enters the atmosphere.) JAZZ: You can do it, Omega. Go, baby, go! OMEGA: Crash inevitable. (He hits the ground and smashes through foliage in a badly-done sequence) SIPHER: Animation frame rate, dropping. (Omega slides to a halt, and JAzz & Perceptor step out) JAZZ: Wow, you stopped just in time. PERCEPTOR: Indeed. Another meter or so and we'd have perished. JAZZ: We'll pull you back off of the edge. OMEGA: No. Strength insufficient. HEX: You just call me a puss?! OMEGA: Cosmos required. JAZZ: We'll find Cosmos and his energy source, then come back for you. Just don't move. OMEGA: Sarcasm, not appreciated. PHIL: Yeah, screw you too. (Cliff edge starts to crumble.) OMEGA: Situation, critical. SIPHER: Pants, filled. (Symbol transition) (Meanwhile, back to the 'cons) ASTROTRAIN: Faster, maggots! I want all these crystals stockpiled! HEX: (As if in the distance) Stockpile this! (One squishie almost drops one.) JARROL: You fool! These crystals are sacred. Treat them w/ respect or we'll all die! STARSCREAM: He's right. The crystal matrixes are extremely unstable. PHIL: Nobody can TELL you what the Matrix is! STARSCREAM: Jarrol! See that there are no mistakes. (Symbol transition) HEX: (a capella along with the music) JAZZ: We've been searching for *hours*. (An arrow whishes by with bad sound effects) SIPHER: The hell? (Arrow swishes past. Perceptor transforms. An arrow lands at his lass.) PERCEPTOR: Not the slightest sign of Cosmos... but there is a native- SIPHER: Mesa called Jar Jar Binks! (Perceptor transfrms, another arrow WHOOOOSSSHes past) TALARIA: As long as I breathe, Titans will NOT worship false gods! HEX: OR false breasts! JAZZ: False gods? PERCEPTOR: To hazard a guess, the Decepticons arrived before we did. JAZZ: Look, if you stop shooting & start talking, maybe we can work something out. PHIL: (as Talaria) I thought I WAS talking! (Symbol transition) TALARIA: There's the temple. HEX: Shirley Temple. SIPHER & PHIL: ARGH! TALARIA: Your friend is held prisoner inside. (They enter) TALARIA: There he is. (She points to Cosmos.) JAZZ: This is terrible! PERCEPTOR: Cosmos has been in worse predictiments. SIPHER: Remember the Lobster And Cream Cheese Incident? JAZZ: No, I mean worshiping him like he's some sort of god. We're not gods, we're just fancy machines, Talaria. PHIL: Did I mention we transform? Buy us! Collect us! (Meanwhile, back in the salt mines...) STARSCREAM: Faster, faster! To the temple! (laughs) Musn't anger your gods, hmmm? HEX: The story of the PTL. (Starscream & Thrust follow the squishes.) STARSCREAM: Autobots! JAZZ: Right you are! And here's something for YOU! SIPHER: (As Beavis in Cornholio mode) And here's one for YOU!!! (The 'bots fire at the 'cons, who retreat back to the doorway.) THRUST: Th-there's two of them! I'd better warn Astrotrain! STARSCREAM: Stand and fight, coward! HEX: Okay, mister Pot! (Starscream & Thrust return through the doorway & fire.) JAZZ: Pretty good odds... two against two! (Jazz transforms. Starscream transforms as well. Jazz drives forward in a badly-done sequence) PHIL: He's very slowly going to ram us! (Jazz returns to robot mode, picks up a convenient rock and throws it at Starscream, causing Starscream to smack into the wall.) ALL: (laughing at the awful animation) HEX: I'm oooookay! (Jazz races over to Starscream, sits on his plane mode, & grabs the part that becomes Starscream's shoulders. Starscream transforms.) JAZZ: Face it, Starscream. This time you're just ain't going to win! STARSCREAM: Thrust, help me! PHIL: He's giving me a non-sexual massage! (Thrust retreats and runs to Astrotrain.) THRUST: Astrotrain! Autobots! They're trying to rescue Cosmos! HEX: (snarling) No, I thought they were here to sell GRIT subscripions! (Astrotrain turns to the slaves.) ASTROTRAIN: Hit the false gods with your crystals! SIPHER: (stoner voice) Sure, dude. Righteous. (Jazz comes out w/ Starscream as a living shield. Jazz throws Starscream on the ground. The squishies fire arrows that have tiny crystals attached.) JAZZ: Ow! Cut it out! I'm on your side! (Shot of a female slave tying a crystal to an arrow.) HEX: Rabbit goes THROUGH the hole, AROUND the... ASTROTRAIN: Slay them! (More firing.) JAZZ: Hey! ASTROTRAIN: Use larger crystals! ROBED EXTRA: N-no! It's dangerous! JARROL: Obey your god! (Jarrol knocks the extra down the starts) HEX: Jarrol and Robe Boy in "Death Becomes Her"! (The slaves bring a catapult around) (Starscream, Thrust, and Astrotrain run away as Perceptor chases them. Perceptor kneels to help up Jazz.) PERCEPTOR: Jazz! What's transpiring out here? (The 'con trio flies away & then transform. The catapult fires) PHIL: Yub yub! ASTROTRAIN: Keep firing, worms! SIPHER: General Motors laid off four thousand worms today... (The second blast knocks the 2 'bots off of the edge & into a chasm. Astrotrain lands & peers over into the chasm as Starscream & Thrust land) ASTROTRAIN: The cowards fled! HEX: No, they FALLED. SIPHER: I think you mean "fell". PHIL: Huh? What? (Astrotrain enters the temple & blocks Talaria's exit) TALARIA: No! (Astrotrain grabs Talaria and brings her to face level) ASTROTRAIN: A heritic. HEX: (mighty voice) I am the HERATICK! SPOOON! ("commercial break") STARSCREAM: Bah! No sign of them. SIPHER: Maybe we should try looking near the temple where they fell? PHIL: What? Huh? SIPHER: Stop that. STARSCREAM: The crystals chased them off for good. Titan is OURS! (They fly off. Pull back to Jazz & Perceptor in the forest) JAZZ: Circle around that volcano & see where they got those crystals. PHIL: Try the gift shop! (Two servants carrying a giant crystal trip & fall.) PHIL: The real story behind Disney theme parks! ASTROTRAIN: How DARE you cease working! JARROL: They are lazy insects, mighty Astrotrain. HEX: Hey, some of my bets friends are Insecticons! JARROL: Shall I punish them? ASTROTRAIN: No. If they see the sacrifice, THAT will renew their vigor. SIPHER: I think just seeing Talaria there'll do THAT trick! HEX: Whooo! JAZZ: Look at *this*. (Loooooong pan of the crystal caves) ALL: (various unimpressed "yeah, wow, hoo boy, ain't that somethin'" remarks) (Perceptor transforms to microscope mode) PERCEPTOR: Oooh. Highly unstable crystalized energy. JAZZ: If the Decepticons rule Titan, they've beaten us Autobots! (Jazz starts hitting a crystal w/ a *big* rock.) SIPHER: Um, that's probably NOT the smartest idea... (Perceptor transforms and runs over.) PERCEPTOR: Don't! Hit one crystal and a chain reaction... JAZZ: Will blow us *all* up. ROBED EXTRA: Indeed. BLUE-HAIRED EXTRA: We worship you, but all you bring is death and sorrow. You have destroyed our FAITH! Now destroy US! PHIL: Okay... you were adopted! JAZZ: Hang on a minute, Jack. We ain't gods & never *claimed* to be. ROBED EXTRA: But Lord Astrotrain... PERCEPTOR: Lied to you. (The squishies turn to each other like "Why didn't *I* think of that"...) SIPHER: Maeleable as wet clay, these guys... CHUBBY EXTRA: If we'd listened to Talaria, we wouldn't be in this mess & she wouldn't be sacrificed. PERCEPTOR: What? Sacrificed!?! HEX: Yes, SAC-REE-FICED. JAZZ: Quick! Is there another entrance to the temple? ROBED EXTRA: There is the floor of the temple and there is the pool that leads to the chasm surrounding our plateau. PERCEPTOR: Electric lava. PHIL: That's what we'll name our band! JAZZ: You take some crystals and refuel Omega Supreme. HEX: And I'll take some crystal meth. (Jazz climbs up the cave's wall.) JAZZ: I'm going to rescue Talaria. SIPHER: And then I'm going to Disney World! (Jazz loses his footing, falls a little way, & grabs for a ledge.) SIPHER: Wheels on the feet were a bad idea in retrospect... (Symbol transition) ALL: (a capella along with the music, with a LOT of force) PERCEPTOR: Omega Supreme! Where *are* you! OMEGA: Quiet. PHIL: _*WHAT?!*_ (Camera shows Perceptor again.) OMEGA: Vibrations terminal. ALL: (Polite coughs) (Perceptor ties up the bag w/ the crystals & jumps to OS's "mini- island" thing.) OMEGA: Careful. PERCEPTOR: I'm *trying*. HEX: Yes, VERY trying. (Symbol transition) ALL: (Being a capella with the music, halfway through, peter out bored) (Long line in the temple, then a shot of Talaria being tied up) ASTROTRAIN: Jarrol, begin the sacrifice. (Jarrol pulls out a weird multi-pronged knife) SIPHER: A candelabra? What the... (Jazz pops through the circle in the floor.) (Jarrol pulls the knife back further, getting ready to plunge it.) PHIL: Would you get ON with it?! (Back to Omega Supreme) OMEGA: Situation irreversable. Destruction inevitable. HEX: (As Omega) Animal, mineral, vegetable. (Island rumbles & leans a bit more as Perceptor loads the crystals into Omega's circuits. Omega's engines sputter on) PHIL: Excuse me! (Omega rockets off the island with Perceptor clinging to him) SIPHER: That's kinda dirty... (Back to temple... shot of Talaria tied up...) SIPHER: (impressed with the camera angle) That's REALLY dirty! WOW! JARROL: Accept this sacrifice, oh mighty Astrotrain.... (The knife is shot from his hands.) JAZZ: Sorry to bust up your revival, but the lady ain't got her heart in it! PHIL: Ha ha ha ha ha. (fakey) (Jazz shoots up Astrotrain, who falls on his bottom.) ASTROTRAIN: Destroy the Autobot! (The squishies panic & flee) HEX: Ah, that must mean "wail and flee" in Titanese. (Jazz frees Tataria's arms. Thrust & Starscream constantly shoot but miss. She slides up.) SIPHER: Hey, weren't her legs tied up too? HEX: (Lewdly) Oh yeah. (More firing as Jazz & Tally hide behind the altar) ASTROTRAIN: Circle around! They mustn't escape! JAZZ: I'll hold them off as long as I can. (Jazz fires & hits Thrust, who soars backwards through the air. GENERIC EXTRA: Look! PHIL: Up in thaaaaaaaaaanever mind. (Omega flies past the temple) HEX: Oops, missed, hang on... (He turns and transforms to robot mode. Perceptor lets go and staggers off, obviously dizzy) PHIL: Augh, what was in that on-flight meal? (As slaves flee, Omega lift his claw arm and punches through the temple wall. Reaction shots of the Deceps, then one of Omega looking through the hole in the wall) SIPHER: Heeeeeere's JOHNNY!! (Thrust & Screamer run for it. Omega shoots at Astrotrain and barely misses. Astro looks around desperately) HEX: ("Daffy in distress" voice) Mother! (Astrotain dives into the pit, and hits a ledge on the way down. He just barely grabs a ledge, and his feet dangle a few inches above the electric lava) PHIL: Ow, OW, HOT! Hot!! HEX: (singin like Chef) Lava so hot it makes me sweat... PERCEPTOR: Are the two of you alright? JAZZ: Just fine, but we'd better do something about Cosmos. PHIL: Now that he's magically back at the altar! JARROL: Lord Astrotrain. Who are these false gods?!? (Starscream & Thrust fly in) THRUST: We can't fight Omega Supreme! ASTROTRAIN: Then we won't try. If *we* can't have the energy crystals, no one will! SIPHER: (Bender voice) I'll make my OWN energy crystals, with blackjack and hookers! Okay, forget the crystals! (Astrotain fires on the crystals, starting a chain reaction. Astrotrain transforms into shuttle mode.) JARROL: Lord Astrotrain, what about me? ASTROTRAIN: Die, like the worm you are! HEX: He loves that worm thing, doesn't he? (Astrotrain takes off & leaves the cave. Jarrol runs just fast enough to avoid the fireballs from the exploding crystals.) JAZZ: Astrotrain is boogieing out of here. PHIL: (critically) No, I think that's more of a *mosey*. (The temple explodes.) PERCEPTOR: He's started a chain reaction! PHIL: Move away from the Death Star! (Lots of explosions all around.) SIPHER: Krakatoa, east of- HEX: Did that already! ROBED EXTRA: Spare us, and we will worship you. HEX: JEEZ, what WON'T you people worship?! JAZZ: We ain't *gods*--but we *will* save you. Omega Supreme, do your thing! SIPHER: Okay... what's my thing again? (Omega Supreme walks over to the cliff edge, transforms, and extends a ramp over the electricity river.) JAZZ: Come on, gang. Boogie on over! PHIL: Or hustle. Whatever dance step suits you best, really. (Everyone but Jazz & Talaria cross) JAZZ: Let's go! (Talaria climbs into Jazz's arms) HEX: What, don't you have two working legs?! (An explosion kocks Jazz down, and the electic lava crackles) SIPHER: Ooooh. Drama. (Omega retracts the ramp and saves the two. The other island is no more. The former slaves celebrate) ALL: (singing) Ooga chaka! Ooga chaka! (Fade to Titanians (whatever) bundling logs and bulding house frames) PHIL: Amazing that none of this wood burned up when the fireballs rained down on us. TALARIA: We lost our old homes... but thanks to you... we gained a new one. (Perceptor works on Cosmos.) PERCEPTOR: I *fixed* him! He's *working* again. (Cosmos stands up and yawns.) SIPHER: Two and one-half badgers, please!! ROBED EXTRA: We have much to be thankful for. JAZZ: ...like no Decepticons to monkey around with your beliefs. ALL: (Cheezy end-of-sitcom laughs) OFFSTAGE : _*LIGHTS!!!*_ ******************** (house lights on) (Sipher is singing out loud, Hex is fiddling with a Transformer, while Phil is looking angry and distraught.) SIPHER: (Singing) Inferno's an ant, and he's a big bad-ass, and he weilds a mighty flame-thrower... HEX: STOP STOP STOP!!! (Phil & Sipher jump) SIPHER: What?! That's a cool tune! HEX: All it's doing is reminding me that we're getting closer and clser to "Carnage In C-Minor"! Augh! SIPHER: Oh. (Pause) (Singing again) Where Maximals are burned into molten slag, and traitors burn at millions of degrees! HEX: *Please!* SIPHER: Jeez, what's your beef, man? HEX: Oh, come *on*! The crappy animation, total lack of continuity, the annoying noises, and that stupid premise of the magical songs! Yargh! PHIL: Actually, that last one isn't so bad. Sound DOES have power. Ever felt a sonic boom? SIPHER: Only when playing "Street Fighter". PHIL: (Ignoring Sipher and getting up to walk off-stage) It has been proven that sound can have a very powerful effect, Rob. (Hex lunges at Phil, but Phil's out of reach and Hex hits the floor instead.) (Phil reaches JIM BYRNES) PHIL: In fact we even have a sound expert... well, okay, blues expert, but the blues uses sound! Sir? JIM: (Woodenly, as if reading from a script... which he has right in front of him) /////// PHIL: Thank you, sir. (Turns to go) (Jim grabs Phil's arm, stopping him) JIM: Where's my twenty bucks? PHIL: (After a slight pause, out of the side of his mouth) Later! (Yanks his arm free and heads back to the stage.) SIPHER: Impressive, Phil. PHIL: Thank you. SIPHER: I'm especially impressed with how you coordinated this, what with us only knowing about this episode about an hour and a half ago, and you being here the whole time. PHIL: Thank you! HEX: As much as I trust Jim, I thought that glass-shattering thing only happened in cartoons. PHIL: Oh, no, it's real... in fact, I can do it. SIPHER: Oh you can not. PHIL: Yes indeed. HEX: Okay, smart guy. (Producing a glass) Let's see you break this glass. PHIL: Fine. (Picks it up and raises it high above his head, rearing back) HEX: WITH YOUR VOICE!!! PHIL: Oh. (Puts the glass on the table in front of him) SIPHER: And if you CAN'T then we get your... err... (name a cool toy that one of us bought at the convention, putting it on the table). HEX: And I get your (another cool toy). PHIL: Fine. Deal. (Sits down and takes a few deep breaths. Then, he makes a face like he's screaming, but makes no noise.) (Hex tenses up and goes wide-eyed) SIPHER: Phh! Do you believe this? (Phil keeps "screaming". Hex begins to tremble a bit.) SIPHER: Give UP, Phil. We know you're faking it. (Phil continues. Hex's trembling gets worse) SIPHER: (laughs) Pathetic! (Hex suddnely goes into convulsions, grabbing his ears and screaming audibly. (If we can get some blood efects, that'd be really cool.) Phil & Sipher jump back. Hex suddenly goes very still and slumps to the floor.) SIPHER: Rob? PHIL: Errr... Rob? (Slowly turns to look at Sipher, a weak smile on his face) Well, it looks like I've proven the power of sound! SIPHER: Yeahhh... but you DIDN'T BREAK THE GLASS!! COME TA PAPA! (Grabs the cool toy) Heheheheh! OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_ SIPHER: Sweet! (House lights off, start "Carnage in C-Minor") ******************** (Title: CARNAGE IN C-MINOR Written by Buzz Dixon) SIPHER: (Mr. Miyagi voice) Dixon, dixoff. Dixon, dixoff. PHIL: (singing like Clapper commercial) Dixon, dixoff... the diiii oh my. SIPHER: Yeah, don't. (Zoom into an asteroid. The Decepticons are working on a pair of giant thrusters built into the surface) GALVATRON: Prepare to fire the engines! SOUNDWAVE: Great Galvatron, is that wise? PHIL: (Soundwave voice) The engines are union! GALVATRON: We shall "test" the engines as they shove this ball of ice towards Metroplex! (Bonecrusher pulls down a lever, with an odd afterimage) SIPHER: Why the not-really slo-mo? (An exceptionally poorly-animated flame spews from the rock) PHIL: "Akira", eat your heart out! (Autobots flying in) PERCEPTOR: See, see? I TOLD you there was Decepticon activity in this Oort Cloud! SIPHER: (unintelligible whining noises) ULTRA MAGNUS: ...and that comet can serve as their prison! (Hex gets into his chair) HEX: I'M BACK!! (Phil & Sipher wince at each of Hex's over-loud lines) SIPHER: You okay? HEX: WHAT?! (Galvatron is staring at the machines, when a shot hits the ground behind him he turns around and freezes in a dumb pose) SIPHER: (Frankenstein noises) (Shot of Soundwave and a tiny Devastator firing skyward) HEX: IT'S ACTION MASTER DEVASTATOR!! GALVATRON: No! Not when we're so close to victory! SIPHER: Close?! The Oort Cloud is HOW many million miles from Earth?! (Devastator RE-combines) PHIL: Didn't I already DO this? (A giant Broadside in aircraft carrier mode lands on Dev, pushing him through the surface of the comet) (Sipher & Phil laugh out loud) HEX: WHAT'S THAT RINGING NOISE?! (Shot of Bonecrusher, Huffer(!) and Brawn(!!) firing at something) PHIL: BRAWN LIVES! BRAWN LIVES!!! HEX: A LITTLE QUIETER, PLEASE!! (Magnus flies up to Galvatron, who transforms to cannon mode facing the entirely wrong direction) SIPHER: LEFT, you dink! (The two collide and fall into a smoke cloud, with stupid-sounding fight grunts ensuing) ALL: ("blat!" "gurt!" and other equally dumb noises) (A stray shot from Galvy hits the engines, which begin to explode) MAGNUS: Uh-oh! (The engines go up) HEX: They're all dead, the end. Can we go now? (symbol transition) (Magnus & Perceptor floating in space) MAGNUS: Where's it going? (Perceptor transforms) PERCEPTOR: Bad news, Ultra Magnus! PHIL: There's still twenty more minutes in this episode! PERCEPTOR: The comet is heading towards a small planet! MAGNUS: Inhabited? PERCEPTOR: Yes! SIPHER: I can magically tell! MAGNUS: ...we'd better try and divert the comet, hadn't we? SIPHER: What would Brian Boitano do? (Shot of Autos firing... then long shot of comet. We see the blasts not even coming close to hitting the comet) PHIL: Lousy range on them guns, huh? (The Decepticons intercept the group) GALVATRON: They thwarted me! HEX: I got thwarted once, as a prank. Hurt a lot. SIPHER: I really don't wanna know. (Weird waves beign to appear and an odd tone sounds. Suddenly, bright lights burst form the planet below) SIPHER: Oh no, it's Laser Floyd! PHIL: It's horrible! (The comet explodes, and the Transformers fall towards the planet as badly-animated rays stream past them) HEX: They're being attacked by sonic Silly String! (The TFs land in a forest with no noise whatsoever) PHIL: Um, foley guys? Hello? (Pan to a city. In a balcony, a fat dude stands with a woman in white) BASSO PROFUNDO: (singing, kinda) So much for that comeeeeet! SIPHER: (singing in the same tone) This will get old real faaaast! (The two enter the main building, meeting up with a blond twerp) ALEGRA: And so much for meeeee! I'm leaviiiing! BASSO: No! You will stay in the cityyyyyy! ALEGRA: Try and stop meeeeee! PHIL: Don't worry, we won't! ZEBOP: Alegra! Where are you goiiiiing? ALEGRA: To my retreeeeeeeat! HEX: Oh, she's French! PHIL: (French Taunter) Ah yes, it's-a verry nice-a. (A big pit. Magnus pulls himself out. Galvatron picks himself up...) GALVATRON: Wh- what was that? SOUNDWAVE: That was Heaven! HEX: So I guess ooh Heaven ISN'T a place on Earth. SOUNDWAVE: The most perfect harmony I've ever heard! SIPHER: Since when did YOU use contractions? (Broadside grabs Galvatron and picks him up) BROADSIDE: You! Because of you I got blasted out of space! PHIL: No, that was the singing twerps. Kill them. (Broadside punches Galvatron off-screen, and Soundwave body-checks him.) (Cut to Perceptor... who transforms in a way COMPLETELY off-model) SIPHER: Holy crap, can he DO that?! BONECRUSHER: Constructicons! Form Devastator! HEX: This episode is nothing but random scenes smooshed together! (Perceptor lines up Devastator in his sights and fires from his LENS) PHIL: He's a MICROSCOPE, not a slagging Howitzer! (Devastator as blasted to bits. And Percetor changes back) SIPHER: He did it again!! HOT SPOT: Outumbered two to one! Just the kind of challenge I like! HEX: If you wait a second the animators'll add more random Decepticons to the scene and you'll have a BIGGER challenge! GALVATRON: Soundwave... Soundwave! SIPHER: Can I have a glass of water? GALVATRON: Get up! We're going to find the source of that harmony! And use it against the Autobots! PHIL: To beat them on Star Search! (Magnus holds a too-small Hook in one hand and a too-small Scrapper in the other) MAGNUS: Broadside! Blaster! HEX: Check out these toy Constructicons I found! MAGNUS: ... went to find the weapon that knocked us out of space! BLASTER: Weapon? That was no weapon! SIPHER: This was no boating accident! This was a SHARK! BLASTER: A musical KISS! MAGNUS: Whatever! PHIL: Where the hell did you COME from, anyway? (Broadside transforms to jet mode. Blaster & Magnus each grab a wing) MAGNUS: We've got to get to that alien city first! (Perceptor & Hot Spot barely dodge some explosions) HEX: Thanks for leaving us, Maggie! We'll be fine! Jagoff! PERCEPTOR: (presumably to Hot Spot) Unless Ultra Magnus and Broadside return quickly with the harmonic weapon, your enjoyment may be brief! SIPHER: Trust me. It was VERY brief. HEX: I completely missed it. (Static shot of Galvatron & Soundwave "flying". Sudden close-up of Galvie smiling like an idiot) SIPHER: (goofball laugh) (Broadside flies up...) PHIL: THERE'S A BOT ON THE WING OF THE PLANE!! (Galvie flies low, having seen the Autobots... and suddenly he's a very light purple) HEX: New color-changing Galvatron! From Hasbro! GALVATRON: Blast! They'll get there ahead of us! PHIL: They're gonna buy all the Darth Maul figures and not leave any for us! (Symbol transition) MAGNUS: No anti-aircraft defenses, they don't seem hostile... SIPHER: Save for that whole blowing us out of space thing... BLASTER: This entire world is based on musical harmonies! PHIL: So, a planet ruled by music... So does that mean if they play the Backstreet Boys here, society would crumble? (Transition... Magnus talking with Basso Profundo) MAGNUS: And so, that's why you should help us fight the Decepticons! HEX: Pavorotti goes to war! BASSO: This is your war, not ouuuuurs! BLASTER: Bad news, Mg, he doesn't wanna help us! PHIL: (annoyed) Yeah, I gathered! BLASTER: ... their harmonies can keep the Decepticons at bay! MAGNUS: Is he certain all of his people would feel that way? BASSO: Anyone who doesn't can leeeeeave, just like Alegraaaaaa! (Shot of Blaster's badly-proportioned head) SIPHER: Whoah, Blaster's got a Robert D'Zar chin goin' there! MAGNUS: Then that's who we want to talk to! (Shot of out the window... Galvy and Soundwave in recorder mode are listening in) GALVATRON: Who is this Alegra? PHIL: (Soundwave tones) She is a powerful anti-allergenic! GALVATRON: Then we must win her to the Decepticon cause! SOUNDWAVE: But how can we get to her before the Autobots do? SIPHER: Slow gin and a Camero. (symbol transition) (The three Autobots walk out of an alley, with about four frames of animation per walk cycle.) HEX: It's like the animators didn't bother to LOOK at what they were drawing... MAGNUS: We've got to find this Allegra. BROADSIDE: But where do we look? PHIL: Have you tried the medicine cabinate? BLASTER: Yeah, yeah! Beauty like you wouldn't believe, Broadside! Sweet soul music! It's their art, their commerce, their philosophy! Their whole... HEX: I don't wanna hear about their hole. BLASTER: Bummer. Galvatron and Soundwave are here. (They do indeed show up and start shooting at a bridge.) BROADSIDE: Uh-oh! We're gonna be oil under the bridge! SIPHER: (singing) Like a briiidge overrr troubled robots... (The Autos get buried under rubble) PHIL: I guess this implies they actually WERE under the bridge... SIPHER: (singing again) I don't ever wanna feeeeel, like I did this show! (Commercial break) SOUNDWAVE: Did that destroy them, Galvatron? GALVATRON: Possibly... but let's make certain! (He transforms and turns the rubble to dust with a cannon blast. He transforms back) GALVATRON: Now, let's go visit this Alegra! HEX: We can't have enough random expression shots! BASSO: See? They're not here five minutes and they bring disharmonyyyyyy. SIPHER: Who, the Wu-Tang Clan? (Zebop lets out a long note. Soon the Autobots arms come out from the pile of dust...) ALL: Hi! (Wave back at the screen) (The Autos pull themselves from the dust) (Shot of Basso) SIPHER: (Gross burping noise) BROADSIDE: Look at the dents on me! PHIL: Harvey Dents? BROADSIDE: I'll be in the body shop for a week! BLASTER: That guy used part of the harmony that blew us out of space! MAGNUS: Then we need to speak with him. (Magnus reaches a finger down to Zebop, who shakes it) HEX: Smoosh him like a bug, Maggie. MAGNUS: Thanks for helping us. BLOND TWERP: I heard what you saiiiiid. I can heeelp you fiiind Alegraaa. HEX: Grrrraaaaaaaaaaaaa! MAGNUS: What did he say? BLASTER: He says he could help us find Alegra! SIPHER: So can he help us find Alegra? (Alegra is in her "retreat", waving her arms around) PHIL: By the way, this ISN'T the same backdrop as fat boy's throne room here. HEX: Looks like she's doing that Tai-Bo crap. SIPHER: Or having an epileptic seizure. GALVATRON: Very impressive! ALEGRA: Get oooooooout! GALVATRON: Don't be hasty, Alegra! All we ask is the secret of the harmony that destroyed the comet. And in return... HEX: We'll get you into the Edgar Winter Group! GALVATRON: ...help you overthrow Basso Profundo's archaic rule! Why should you submit to that old fool's will? PHIL: He'll sit on me if I don't! GALVATRON: As out ally, you shall have the power! HEX: (singing, C&C Dance) You got the power! ALEGRA: Stand by to recieve the harmony! (She lets out a looooong note) GALVATRON: Soundwave, are you getting this? SOUNDWAVE: I am! I am! PHIL: (Soundwave tones) Getting sick! GALVATRON: Never mind that! SIPHER: What?! GALVATRON: Did you get the harmony? SOUNDWAVE: (Now with an Autobot symbol on his chest) No. HEX: (Soundwave tones) I got this Autobot symbol instead! (Galvatron picks Soundwave up by his shoulders...) SIPHER: I guess Alegra has the power to make robots smaller. ALEGRA: I have only one part of the secreeeet. Basso Profundo and Zebop Scandanna share the reeeeest! (Cut back to the 'Cons...) SIPHER: (Soundwave tones) I got better! PHIL: Soundwave's been drinking milk! HEX: And the animators have been drinking rye whiskey. (Symbol transition to Broadside flying around) ZEBOP: Alegra's retreeeeeat is up aheaaaaaaad! BLASTER: He says Alegra's got a pad- HEX: With wings! SIPHER: NO! NO! MAGNUS: And that's her problem with Basso Profundo, he doesn't like her music? ZEBOP: (Clinging to the wing like the two Autos) You gooot iiiit! PHIL: Can I ride INSIDE the jeeeeet? BROADSIDE: Where is this pad? BLASTER: Zebop syas straight ahead! BROADSIDE: I see it! (Shot of Galvie & Soundwave outisde the retreat) BROADSIDE: And I also see trouble! SIPHER: Good thing Alegra had her retreat built with giant robot-accesable doors! GALVATRON: See if part of the harmony works! (Soundwave, in player mode, plays the note, which crushes a large chunk of rock out in the sea. GALVATRON: Good! Even one-third of the secret is potent! PHIL: Yeah, but it's the cough syrup that REALLY makes it work. (The Autos are hiding in the woods outside the retreat) MAGNUS: Wait for them to come out. HEX: Who, Starscream and Tracks? ALEGRA: I'm not so sure this is a good idea anymooooore. GALVATRON: You have nothing to fear! With the Decepticons on your side, Basso Profundo will fall! SIPHER: And when he does, LOOK OUT BELOW! ZEBOP: No! It can't be! Alegra! (Shot from Alegra's perspective, of Magnus & Zebop... and the trees have magically disappeared) PHIL: Yeah, let's hide out here in the open in broad daylight! SOUNDWAVE: That's Zebop! And he has part of the secret! GALVATRON: And he's probably with the Autobots! HEX: Naw, ya THINK? GALVATRON: FIRE!!! (He starts shooting) (Blaster ducks as Galvie's shots explode against absolutely nothing, and when he opens his mouth...) BROADSIDE: Oh great! Scorch marks on top of everything else! SIPHER: Good thing I'm using Blaster's body for this scene! (Magnus transforms to trailer truck mode) MAGNUS: Zebop! Inside, quick! HEX: You can die in me! GALVATRON: Soundwave! Use what you have of the secret! PHIL: Your pits are really getting sweaty! SIPHER: "Secret". I get it. (Soundwave transforms and plays the tone. Magnus and the REALLY tiny Broadside and Blaster stop their advance and are puched back) SIPHER: Who are THOSE two? (Inside Magnus' cab, Zebop visibly reacts to the tone) HEX: (Loud fart noise RIGHT as Zebop jumps in his seat) MAGNUS: Blaster! Broadside! PHIL: You won't BELIEVE the stench! ALEGRA: Nooo! You waon't hurt Zebop! You won't HHHHHMMMMMPH!! (Her voice is muffled as if her mouth is covered, but it isn't, and Galvatron grabs her a second after her voice goes goes muffled, and not by the head either.) PHIL: (laughing) What the hell...? (Zebop sends a beam fro mhis forehead while crooning a note) GALVATRON: Soundwave, he's singing the second part of the harmony! SIPHER: Their definition of "harmony" differs GREATLY from mine. (Cut to the Autos, but Hot Spot has taken Broadside's place) SIPHER: GAH! HEX: I'm here suddenly! BLASTER: Zebop, don't! He's recording your part of the harmony! ALEGRA: ZEBOP! GALVATRON: Soundwave! PLAYBACK! (Zebop reacts in front of Hot Spot's foot) PHIL: Oh, why did I sub for Broadside in this scene?! (The ground crumbles underneath the Autobots) ALEGRA: (still making muffled noises even though her head is totally free of Galvie's grip) SIPHER: She's humming in terror! PHIL: Hey, don't we all sometimes? (Galvie & Soundwave walk in the opposite direction...) HEX: Uh, weren't they to the left? (The tow end up at the edge of the pit anyway) HEX: Well, I guess not! GALVATRON: That's better, Soundwave! MUCH better! (Laughs with a grand total of 3 frames of animation as his head bobs wildly) SIPHER: Bobbin' head Galvatron there... (Commercial break) GALVATRON: No sign of movement. PHIL: Just like the last time! GALVATRON: I do believe we've got them this time! (Shot of Alegra held in his hand... against a starry backdrop) HEX: Damn, night falls FAST on this planet! (Galvatron drops Alegra) ALEGRA: You decieved meeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... (The Deceps react the the sound blast... and according to the new shot, Alegra was dropped several yards AWAY from them in the opposite direction from where Galvatron was facing when he dropped her) SIPHER: Can we find out who the continuity director of this show was and have them ritually executed? (Galvie falls into the pit. Soundwave transforms and hits Alegra with his own sound blast. She goes flying) GALVATRON: (climbing up) Where IS she...? I'll make her suffer slowly! ("Slowly" is kind of muffled) HEX: Suffer smally? What does THAT mean? (Magnus, magically back in truck mode, comes out of the rubble and transforms) SIPHER: (angushed cry) HE WAS IN ROBOT MODE WHEN HE FELL!!! PHIL: Calm down. It's almost over. (Galvie picks up Alegra) GALVATRON: Bah. Unconcious. She won't feel a thing! HEX: That's how she gets though every date. PHIL: You realize there ARE children present, right? (Soundwave & Blaster grapple to seemingly random grunts) ALL: (Join in on the bad grunting noises) (Galvatron does a roll and fires at Magnus, hitting him in the chest) HEX: Yay! (Blaster & Soundwave at it again, same bad noises) ALL: (Again with the grunting) (Zebop runs to pick up Alegra) MAGNUS: Zebop, no, you'll damage your infrastructure! PHIL: Put on a back brace! (Zebop looks up to see the grappling tape-decks falling down onto him... he puts Alegra down and just stands there) HEX: Nah, not really worth stepping a few feet to the left to get out of the way... (Blaster & Soundwave land on Zebop) BLASTER: Zebop! PHIL: Someone get me a squeegee! (Blaster punches Soundwave, then reaches down to scoop up Zebop) SIPHER: (squishy noises) GALVATRON: Is there NO-ONE I can depend on?! (He grabs Soundwave and flies off) (Blaster kneels down, where Zebop is now lying in Alegra's arms) HEx: How'd he get down there? (Blaster turns to Broadside standing behind him) BLASTER: Can we do anything for him? (Sudden close-up of Broadsisde kneeling IN FRONT OF BLASTER) SIPHER: GAH! BROADSIDE: I don't think so, Blaster. (Another shot... Broadside is back BEHIND Blaster) ALL: GAH!! PHIL: He can bi-locate! DEMON!! (Alegra humns, and Zebop is suddenly better) BLASTER: (From Magnus' mouth) I told you! They use their harmonies for everything! SIPHER: Like switching our voices around! MAGNUS: Let's get back to the city and hope it's still standing! (Symbol transtion... seeral Decepticons, INCLUDING SOUNDWAVE, react to laser bolts) HEX: SPEAKING of bi-location...! (The Constructicons fire upwards at Superion, who hasn't been seen since the opening sequence) PHIL: Nice to see they put Superion back in the episode... (Superion is blasted into his component robots) HOT SPOT: Any sign of Ultra Mangus and the others? SIPHER: They should be edited into the scene any second now! (Move to the city) EXTRA: What are you going to do about THAT? HEX: WHAT? BASSO: We'll use the harmonic amplifierrrrr! SIPHER: (Fat Bastard voice) Ah once et ah BABIE! BASSO: We're ready. Begin the machiiine! (The extra turns and lets out a note that presumably starts the machine. Basso joins in with his own deep note) HEX: (Loud, low, long belch) (Sound waves travel out to the battlefield... shot of Defensor) PHIL: Wait, I call foul! (Shot of Perceptor, Defensor AND HOT SPOT together) HEX: Good thing Hot Spot cloned himself! (Defensor returns to his component robots) BASSO: It's no uuuse. I can't do iiiiit. SIPHER: What, get out of that chair? COMPUTER: ... you need Alegraaa aaand Zebop Scandannaaaa to make it woooork. (More pointless battle shots, then...) GALVATRON: The Autobots! Destroy them! PHIL: (sarcastic) Gee, thanks, Patton! (Soundwave transforms and sends a sound beam HIGH over the city) SIPHER: Um, the Autobots are down there, in the city. HEX: I thought they were OUTSIDE the city. PHIL: In this episode, they can be in both at the same time. (Basso turns and lets out the note again without opening his mouth) PHIL: Oh, he's a ventriloquist too! GALVATRON: Soundwave! The third part of the harmony! Capture it! Play it back! The complete harmony! (Soundwave lets the new sound loose. The side of Basso's throne room caves in) SIPHER: (As Letterman) Are ya ready to just blow the roof off the dump, Paul? PERCEPTOR: Autobots! They've got the harmonic weapon! (A shower of rocks hit them) HEX: Ummm... what happened? GALVATRON: Now to Earth to play this little tune for Metroplex! And then on to Cybertron for the final victory!! (Symbol transition) BRAODSIDE: Looks like we're runnin' late! Galvatron and Soundwave have been here and gone. PHIL: They defeated our comrades with bad editing. BASSO: Seee what you diiiid! BLASTER: What WE did?! Get on the track, Jack! SIPHER: (Basso) No need to discuss Muss! BLASTER: We took the fall 'cuz YOU had to run it all! MAGNUS: We've seen your healing powers. Will you help us save our friends? (The locals start their tune...) ALL: (Join in the singing, and as the tone reaches a cresendo, turn it into cries of agony and frustration) PERCEPTOR: Ultra Magnus... Blaster... HEX: Blaster? I hardly know her! MAGNUS: It's a long story, Perceptor. I'll tell you on the way back to Earth. (Symbol transition) (Autobot City) PHIL: (indutrial shot film voice) City on the move! SCAMPER: Alert! Alert! Decepticon attack! (A portion of what is supposedly Metroplex transforms in a way that is completely NOT part of Metroplex's transformation) HEX: Er, is that SUPPOSED to be Metroplex? GALVATRON: Soundwave! The harmonics, NOW! (Soundwave transforms and fires the sounds at Metroplex in battle station mode, who is now in the middle of an empty field) HEX: AND WHERE THE HELL'D THE REST OF THE CITY GO?! SCAMPER: Recieveing damage reports! Major malfuncitons! Ow! (Autobots fly in) BROADSIDE: Ultra Magnus! soundwave has already cranked up the harmony! SIPHER: (Same cheezy line delivery tone) Well no shit! MAGNUS: That's wh ywe've brough Basso Profundo, Alegra and Zebop Scandanna along! PHIL: What IS this, roll call? MAGNUS: Braodside! Deploy our secret weapon! (Basso, Alegra and Zeop elt out a note) HEX: The Three Tenors on LSD. GALVATRON: HOW can they defeat out perfect sound?! SOUNDWAVE: With anti-sound! White noise! SIPHER: (Chris Rock voice) Why's it gotta be WHITE noise?! (Superion slams into Galvatron, then Blaster grapples with Soundwave) BLASTER: I don't wanna see your ugly face, just the button that says "erase"! (BLaster manages to hit Soundwave's tape control buttons... which are placed on his groinatalogical area) HEX: WHOAH, bad touch! SOUNDWAVE: Ah! My tapes! You've erased my tapes! PHIL: That seems like a pretty glaring design flaw. GALVATRON: I ordered no retreat! ATTACK, ATTACK!! HEX: (As if from a distance) Get bent! (Symbol transition) MAGNUS: The Decepticons won't be back, Bosso Profundo. SIPHER: Yeah, a planet with a powerful weapon and little resitance, why WOULD they? MAGNUS: You've got to learn to live with each others' differences if you're going to live in harmony! HEX: THIS from the race that's been at WAR for over four million years. PHIL: ZING! SIPHER: I feel dirty... PHIL: It's OVER! IT'S OVER!!! OFFSTAGE : _*LIGHTS!!!*_ ******************** (house lights on) PHIL: Well, another year, another two hours of ranting at a projection screen. And I think we've all learned a little somthing. SIPHER: Yeah. I learned to stick with a single script and just modify the damn thing from year to year, 'cuz writing a new one is a pain in the ass. HEX: What? SIPHER: Nothing. HEX: Well, I learned that no matter how much you love something, you can still mercilessly rip it to shreds. PHIL: I learned I can take a gunshot. SIPHER: That's always good to know. I learned just how far one can go before stepping into the realm of Copyright Infringement. HEX: (rubbing his ear) I learned that pain is funny so long as it happens to someone besides me. PHIL: And I learned that we can happily accept giant transforming sentient robots from another planet as a plot element, but ask us to believe that crystal can power a weapon by itself and we simply won't buy it. SIPHER: I learned to be more careful with who I try to emulate. (Gives a hard stare at Scott) HEX: I learned that primitive civilizations within our very solar system can remain hidden from all our advanced satellites. PHIL: And I learned that you don't screw around with a multi-billion-dollar company. (John/Karl/Glen (same as in first sketch) shows up) J/K/G: Err, guys? Guys? We gotta wrap it up. We have to clear the room for the mud wrestling battle between people who hate Animorphs and people who are just sick of hearing from people who hate Animorphs. HEX: (raising his hand) I just learned that there are some BotCon events I really don't wanna have any part of. J/K/G: Cute. C'mon, let's get things finished here. Oh, and guys, we've already got the tapes for next year's MSTing, thought I'd give you the heads up on that... how does doing "Five Faces of Darkness" sound? (Long pause while Sipher, Phil & Hex just stare at J/K/G. Sipher & Phil grab their Optimal Optimi, Hex grabs his rock.) SIPHER: GET HIM!!! (J/K/G bolts for the door, the trio hot on his heels. They all exit through the doors.) (slight pause) SIPHER: Hey, wait a minute! You're not Rob! HEX: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!! (House lights off, run credits) *************************************************************************** CREDITS (And trivia fun) Transformers: The MSTing 3 - The Search For Spark Inspired By MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 (We love ya, guys!) STRANGE BUT TRUE! The role of Optimus Prime was originally written for Bob Denver. FELLOW CASTAWAYS Phil Zeman Suzanne Ferree Ziphos Fuhr Diana Calder WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Today, Terrorsaur works as a pterydon flyer at the Islands Of Adventure theme park. DINO-KEEPERS David Tashjian Patricia Wright Lizard Dave Van Domelen DID YOU KNOW...? Early in his career, Scott McNeil was a small Argentinian woman. (Not "played"... WAS) OTHER LITTLE WOMEN Benson Yee H. Jameel al Khafiz Doug Dlin Robert Jung FAILED TRANSFORMERS MERCHANDISE IDEA #42: The Grimlock Home Pregnacny Test "Me say you PREGNANT!" MUSIC BY Man or Astro-Man? TITLE THEME "The Sound Waves Reversing" END THEME "Weightless at Zero Return" SECRETS REVEALED! Silverbolt's contract demands a fresh bowl of Kibbles-n-Bits in his trailer every night. STARVING ACTORS Greg Sepelak Phil Zeman Rob----David "Hex" Tashjian----ung REJECTED TRANSFORMERS NAMES 1. Brickbot 2. Lassie-ator 3. Wussicon 4. Jar-Jar Binks LIGHTSYNTH EFFECTS Virtual Light Machine Developed by Jeff Minter MADE WITH MACINTOSH Annoy Bill Gates - Get a Mac AFTER THE SHOW, TREAT YOURSELF TO A FRESH HOT BAG ON ENERGON! THE BIG KAHUNA Greg "M Sipher" Sepelak Spiritual love child of Tom and Crow (I did not write this!) ASTROTRAIN: These fools worship Transformers! THE END 1999 King Weasel Productions *************************************************************************** "Why Does The Ant Burn?" lyrics written by H. Jameel al Khafiz, based on the song "Why Does The Sun Shine" as performed by They Might Be Giants, written by Hy Zaret & Lou Singer.