MSTF3K II--THE WRATH OF CON -----SETUP & MIKE CHECK---------HOUSE LIGHTS OFF----- -----RUN OPENING TAPE---------HOUSE LIGHTS ON----- (On a table center stage is an action figure. It should be a figure from either McFarlane or Toy Biz, with "transforming" action that really isn't. Sipher walks past humming. Stops and picks up figure.) SIPHER: "Transforming action"... ah. So that's what (McFarlane/Toy Biz) is calling joints now. (Doug & Rob walk up) DOUG: What's going on? SIPHER: Oh, just mocking this sorry excuse for a "transforming" toy. It transforms from open to closed. Whee. ROB: Jeez. That's like saying your microwave oven has transforming action when you open the door. DOUG: You can mock Power Rangers all you want, but they've at least got better transforming toys than this SIPHER: It does seem like transforming action has seeped into most major toy lines nowadays... of course, none do it better than Transformers proper. ROB: How appropriate, what with this being a Transformers convention and all. DOUG: And of course, BEING a Transformers convention, there are a few traditions... SIPHER: Like the annual dragging out of the damn Frenzy/Rumble/Blue/Red debate? DOUG: Yes... ROB: Frightening other hotel patrons? DOUG: And that... SIPHER: The parade of horribly overpriced Fort Maxes? DOUG: Okay, that too... ROB: The crowds of people looking to see if Raksha's real? DOUG: Uh... yeah... SIPHER: Not getting any sleep so that by Sunday night the spiders come and mock your shorts and call you names like "Mr. Cheesejammies"? DOUG: Ye--*what?* SIPHER: Was that out loud? DOUG: [slight pause] Actually, what I was referring to was the *en masse* viewings of TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE. ROB : Oh no! He said *en masse*!! DOUG : You WOULD like to watch The Movie, wouldn't you? ROB: Would I? Would I? ALL: (turn to audience) Harelip! Harelip! DOUG: Shall we get going? SIPHER: Wait, not yet... there's one tradition for OUR viewing of The Movie we gotta wait for. ROB: What's that? OFFSTAGE: *LIGHTS!!* SIPHER: There we go! ----HOUSE LIGHTS OFF. BEGIN MOVIE---- SIPHER: This'll be fun. DOUG: If you say so. SCREEN TITLE: FHE Video SIPHER: Fish Heads Entertainment Video... or SCREEN TITLE: Avid Entertainment SIPHER: Avid? Doesn't that mean it's going to lay eggs? DOUG: No, that's GRAVID. or SCREEN TITLE: Malofilms SIPHER: Mmm, Mallofilms... DOUG: It's a film distributor AND a dessert topping! SCREEN TITLE: DEG DOUG: The ciiiircle of liiife... SIPHER: Oh, shut up. ROB: Bad deg! No biscuit! SCREEN TITLE: Marvel/Sunbow Logos ALL: EXCELSIOR!!! (Empty space) DOUG: (As Shatner) Space... the fi- ROB & SIPHER: *NO.* (Shot of two suns, with Unicron coming in between them) ROB: One star, two star, red star, blue star. (Take a second to appreciate the music) SIPHER: Kraftwerk takes command of the Death Star. ALL: [duck and "Whoah!" as Unicron moves past] DOUG: Sunday driver... (View from inside Unicron, looking at the planet Lithone) ROB: It's the Late-Night Uni-Cam! SIPHER: (As Paul Schaffer) That's wild, Dave. (Overhead shot of Lithone) DOUG: A real nice place to bring your kids up. (Interior of Lithone) ROB: It's the Mall of America 2099! DOUG: Radio Shack, level five. (The two Lithones carrying the tray...) DOUG: No, no, I wanted a BUD light! (...door opens to lab. Scientist Lithone turns to them.) SIPHER: Jeez, did you guys fall in or something? What took ya? (Tray is passed on) DOUG: Your Windex, sir... (Ground rumbles) ROB: Quick! Get under a door frame!! LITHONIAN: Arblus, look! It's Unicron!! SIPHER: Oh, man, he wants his edge trimmer back... look, tell him I'm not here. (Horns sink into the planet) DOUG: Oh, he's aerating their lawn for them! SIPHER: Are we getting on a gardening tangent here? ROB: I hoe not. SIPHER: Damn you, Rob. (Shot of debris flying into Unicron's maw) SIPHER: (singing) Black hole sun... won't you come... LITHONIAN: The ships! Get to the ships! It's our only chance! ROB: Maybe if you asked nicely, he'd stop... (Bridge to ships crumbles) ROB: There's only three small ships on the whole planet? (Lithone climbs into ship) DOUG: (Monotone) Step away from the ship. This ship is protected by Viper. (One ship fails to escape Unicron) LITHONIAN: KRANIIIIIX!!!!! SIPHER: I knew I should have carpooooooooooooled.... (Ship tumbles through Unicron) DOUG: Hey, this is kinda fun! SIPHER: Yee-hooo! (Ship drops through crushers) ROB: It's Unicron's Wild Ride! (Unicron's ring lights up) ROB: It's time to play the music! DOUG: It's time to light the lights! SIPHER: It's time to eat some planets ALL: On the Transformers tonight!! (Camera pans off Unicron) SIPHER: Urp. 'Scuse me. (Drum beat starts) ROB: Cue Generic Drum Beat 3-A... TITLE: Transformers TITLE: The Movie DOUG: What did they think we were expecting? Transformers the Radio Play? (Traveling through the "O" in the title) DOUG: Dr. Who! SIPHER: The Time Tunnel! ROB: Sliders! TITLE: Starring ROB: Jackie Gleason! ART CARNEY!!! TITLE: Eric Idle as Wreck-Gar ALL: (as Idle) Say no MORE! TITLE: Judd Nelson as Hot Rod DOUG: Judd Nelson's Plumbing and Heating. Free balloons for the kids. TITLE: Leonard Nimoy as Galvatron SIPHER: Ah. The highlight of his career in the mid-eighties... TITLE: Robert Stack as Ultra Magnus DOUG: (As Stack) If you or anyone you know has any information about this Decepticon... TITLE: Lionel Stander as Kup ROB: (as Stander) Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Hart! TITLE: And Orson Welles as Unicron SIPHER: (As Welles from "The Critic") Oh YES! They're even better when you're DEAD! TITLE: With John Moschita as Blurr DOUG: The Micro Machines Guy, right? ROB: The toy line that killed G1, yes. SIPHER: Coincidence? Or conspiracy? Read the book. ANNOUNCER: It is the year 2005. DOUG: Do you know where your children are? ANNOUNCER: The treacherous Decepticons have conquered the Autobots' home planet of Cybertron. ROB: *How* isn't important, really. (Laserbeak flies from Cybertron) ROB: I'd like to thank you for flying Decepticon Lunar Airlines... DOUG: (singing) Fly me to the moon... ANNOUNCER: But from secret staging grounds on two of Cybertron's moons... SIPHER: The secret bases that Laserbeak just glides right into. (Laserbeak flies over the assembly line.) DOUG: This is where they make those "Welcome to Iacon" snow globes... (Laserbeak flies to the window of the command center.) ROB: Oh, I wanted to see him smack right into it. DOUG: Here's a hint. Never put bay windows on your command center. OPTIMUS: Ironhide, report to me at once. IRONHIDE: Every time I look into a monitor, Prime, my circuits sizzle. DOUG: Well, then go read a book or something. IRONHIDE: When are we gonna start bustin' Decepti-chops? OPTIMUS: I want you to make a special run to Autobot City on Earth. ROB: I'm out of smokes. IRONHIDE: But Prime...! OPTIMUS: Listen, Ironhide, we don't have enough Energon cubes to power a full-scale assault. SIPHER: Or troops, or guns, or anything else, for that matter... IRONHIDE: Your days are numbered now, Decepti-creeps! SIPHER: Man, his death couldn't be more predictable if he told Prime about his retirement plans on his new boat. OPTIMUS: Jazz, report security status. (Scene cuts to Jazz) SIPHER: (Starts humming the Hong Kong Phooey theme) DOUG: (at the same time) Fan-rrriffic! JAZZ: No sign of Decepticons here, Prime! OPTIMUS: What about Moon Base Two? JAZZ: Jazz to Moon Base Two, Jazz to Moon Base Two... SIPHER: Paging Mister Herman. Mister Herman... (Scene cuts to Bumblebee & Spike) BUMBLEBEE: Bumblebee and Spike here. ROB: Oh, goodie. THESE two. JAZZ: We're about to send up a shuttle. Any Decepticon shenanigans in your area? DOUG: Well, they pennied my locker door... BUMBLEBEE: All clear, Jazz! SPIKE: Hey, Ironhide! Tell my son Daniel I miss him! SIPHER: Thanks for the exposition. SPIKE: And tell him not to worry; I'll be coming home as soon as we've kicked Megatron's tail across the galaxy! ROB: Jeez, the kid could be in college by then... SIPHER: Naw, this Megatron doesn't have a tail. IRONHIDE: Will do, Spike. OPTIMUS: Cliffjumper, commence countdown. CLIFFJUMPER: 5... SIPHER: 5?! What happened to 6?! DOUG: (As MegaMaid) Just kidding! CLIFFJUMPER: 2... 1... BLAST OFF! DOUG: I forgot my toothbruuuush.... (Shuttle takes off.) ROB: (As stewardess) Buhbye. Buhbye. Buhbye now. Buhbye. OPTIMUS: Now all we need is a little Energon, and a lot of luck. SIPHER: And some moth balls, a six-inch length of garden hose, a piece of string and a picture of Gavin McCleod. DOUG: What? (Laserbeak flies back to Cybertron) SIPHER: (Singing) When the condors come baaack to Cybertrono.... SHOCKWAVE: Laserbeak returns, Megatron. MEGATRON: Welcome, Laserbeak. Unlike *some* of my other warriors, you never fail me. ROB: Well, there was that one time, but... MEGATRON: Soundwave, play back Laserbeak's findings. SOUNDWAVE: As you command, Megatron. (Playback begins) DOUG: Last time, on Transformers! PLAYBACK: I want you to make a special run to Autobot City on Earth. PLAYBACK: But Prime...! SIPHER: (whiny) I don't wanna!! PLAYBACK: Listen, Ironhide, we don't have enough Energon cubes to power a full-scale assault. Ready the shuttle for launch! DOUG: LUNCH!!! PLAYBACK: Now all we need is a little Energon, and a lot of luck. ROB: And a hard-boiled egg. SIPHER: HONK. ROB: Make that two hard-boiled eggs. MEGATRON: More than you imagine, Optimus Prime... (Shuttle flies through space.) (Prowl is piloting... ship shudders.) DOUG: Muffler's loose! ROB: (singing) Rattle rattle thunder clatter boom boom boom... (Side of ship explodes, Megatron tears through hull.) SIPHER: Damn imports just fall apart on ya. BRAWN: Megatron! ROB: *Duh.* BRAWN: DECEPTICONS!! MEGATRON: DIE, AUTOBOTS!! (Megatron transforms and flies into Starscream's hand) DOUG: Starscream fails you, so you trust him to fire you? (Megatron fires, hitting Brawn, who collapses) ROB: Ow. SIPHER: (as "Holy Grail" Corpse) I'm not dead! ROB: That's for Jameel, right? (Prowl fires at Decepticons. Scavenger fires, hitting Prowl) SIPHER: *Scavenger* kills Prowl with one shot?! ROB: He hasn't been well. DOUG: And I thought Brawn was gypped. (Ratchet & Ironhide open fire.) (Close-up of Ratchet firing two pistols) DOUG: (as Yosemite Sam) Th' rootin'ist, tootin'ist medic in the... (Ratchet & Ironhide get holed by shots) SIPHER: (As Scooby Doo) Ruh-roh, Raggy! ROB: Oh, that's never good. DOUG: Sam Peckinpah's Transformers The Movie. MEGATRON: This was almost too easy, Starscream. STARSCREAM: Much easier, o mighty Megatron, than attacking the real threat! The Autobots' Moon Base! (Decepticons fly to piloting stations) SIPHER: I call shotgun! MEGATRON: You're an idiot, Starscream. DOUG: (as Starscream) Well, I try to—HEY!! MEGATRON: When we slip by their early warning systems in their own shuttle and destroy Autobot City, the Autobots will be vanquished forever! DOUG: We've heard THAT before... ROB: Sure, no one'll notice the gaping hole in the side... IRONHIDE: Nooo! MEGATRON: Such heroic nonsense. SIPHER: It's silly nonsense! (Megatron fires) SIPHER: Ooh, maybe not. DOUG: (As Ed Grimly) Oh, that's a pain that's going to linger, I must say. (Shuttle flies off) (Cut to Hot Rod & Daniel fishing) ROB: It's Mutual of Omaha 2005. HOT ROD: Fish are jumping today, eh Dan-o? DOUG: And so, as we left the clam flowage... ROB: Stop it. DANIEL: I guess so. HOT ROD: Hey, what's the matter? SIPHER: You've killed again, haven't you? DANIEL: I dunno, Hot Rod... HOT ROD: Come on, you can tell me. DANIEL: I guess I miss my dad. SIPHER: What about your MOM? Where the hell is SHE? HOT ROD: Don't worry, Spike'll be back soon--oh, hey, I caught something! DOUG: I think it's Jimmy Hoffa! (Hot Rod pulls up the fish) DANIEL: Whoah, look at the size of it! ROB: Oh, no! Mr. Limpet!! HOT ROD: Yep, it's a whopper all right! (Beeping noise, Daniel pulls scanner out of pocket.) SIPHER: We got crappies at about twelve feet. DANIEL: Hot Rod! The shuttle's coming! Let's watch it land! HOT ROD: Talk about dull, Daniel. ROB: Ah. THE POSTMAN. DANIEL: Hurry, or we'll miss it! SIPHER: Come on, or we'll miss our death! (Daniel leaps onto hoverboard.) DOUG: "Gleaming the Cube" starring Christian Slater. (Shot from behind Daniel as he hoverboards) ("Dare" starts up) ROB: Oh, he's trying to catch up to Christopher Lloyd. SIPHER: (as Lloyd) Marty! Get into the DeLorean!! (Hot Rod catches Daniel) HOT ROD: If you're gonna ride, Dan-o, ride in style! (Hot Rod transforms) ROB: (singing) Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat... DANIEL: Hey, let's stop here! HOT ROD: Why settle for a peek, Daniel, when you can see everything from Lookout Mountain? DOUG: (as Billy Kimball from Green Acres) Well, not *really* everything...more like everything within a small area... (Kup is directing the roadblock) KUP: A little to the left. A little bit more... ROB: Shouldn't Gears be holding up one of those "Stop/Slow" signs? (Kup turns to see Hot Rod driving up) DOUG: (singing) I can't drive... 55... (Hot Rod crashes through the roadblock) KUP: Turbo-revvin' young punk! I'll straighten you out yet! SIPHER: Rebel without a clutch. (Hot Rod skids to a stop) DOUG: Better than rebel without brakes... (Daniel looks through binoculars) SIPHER: Hey, she's nude! DANIEL: Hot Rod, look! There's a hole in the shuttle! ROB: What'd I tell ya. Gaping hole does them in. HOT ROD: What!? Decepticons! SIPHER: Were you expecting maybe Cobra? (Hot Rod fires, Starscream falls over) DOUG: Starscream Number One goes down... KUP: What's that darn fool doin'? ROB: Didn't anyone think of RADIOING the ship? (Ship starts to explode) DOUG: Dateline NBC 2005. (Decepticons swarm from ship) MEGATRON: ATTACK!! SIPHER: Brilliant strategy. Thanks. (Lookout point explodes) HOT ROD: Daniel! ROB: Man, that fell apart easily... SIPHER: It's a union job, you know. ROB: Oh. (Daniel screams) DOUG: (as Daniel) I wet 'em...!! (Hot Rod lands) (Blitzwing and Shrapnel land, Blitzwing transforms) BLITZWING: Come on down, Auto-brat! ROB: You're the next contestant-- SIPHER: No. No. Don't. (Kup leaps forward and grabs Blitzwing's gun barrel) DOUG: Hey! Stop it! Leggo!! MOOOOOOM! (Shrapnel takes the blast) SIPHER: Oops! Sorry about that! My fault completely! (Shrapnel drops, knocking Blitzwing over) ROB: Wait. I don't understand the physics of that one... HOT ROD: Not bad for an old timer! SIPHER: (As Dana Gould) Go to bed, old man! KUP: Old timer? That's somethin' you'll never be if you don't get back to the city. ROB: You can't HANDLE the truth!! HOT ROD: Save it, Kup! (Starscream strafes them.) HOT ROD: Let's burn rubber! DOUG: I guess I'm still not sure just how stealing the shuttle gained the Decepticons anything. SIPHER: It gained about five minutes of movie. ROB: And a couple of bad jokes. (Perceptor transforms. POV from Perceptor) SIPHER: I thought he was a MICROscope. ROB: Whatever. PERCEPTOR: Ultra Magnus! A cursory evaluation of Decepticon capabilities indicates a distinct tactical deficiency. MAGNUS: In other words, Perceptor... ALL: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!! (Magnus picks himself up) MAGNUS: Springer, you and Arcee transform Autobot City. Perceptor, tell Blaster to radio Prime for reinforcements. SIPHER: Reinforcements?! What, are there no AUTOBOTS in Autobot City? MAGNUS: Blurr, you can help me alert the others! BLURR: AbsolutelyPositivelyDefinitely!NobodyCanGetTheJobDoneFaster ThanICanNobodyNobodyNobody! DOUG: How about God? SPRINGER: Come on, Arcee, let's go! ARCEE: But Hot Rod and Kup are still outside the city! (Arcee's visor pops down) ROB: Cool Viewmaster! SPRINGER: We can't wait! They'll have to take care of themselves! Come on! (Arcee pulls on something that looks like a sewer cover.) DOUG: Leonardo? Donatello? Splinter? (shot of City innards working) SIPHER: Industry! Big and bold! (Starscream chases Arcee & Springer) STARSCREAM: Pathetic fools! There's no escape! (Arcee & Springer duck through the door) ROB: Well, apparently there IS... (Starscream's foot is caught) SIPHER: That's a hell of a bear trap! (Starscream shoots his foot) STARSCREAM: AUUUGH, MY FOOT! DOUG: He'll need corrective shoes. (Arcee at controls) ROB: Grand Hotel, hold please... (Autobot City unfolds) SIPHER: This is too cool. ROB: Jeez, all those guns should be MORE than enough... (More guns unfold) DOUG: Hey! ROB: What? DOUG (a la Tank Girl): Feeling a little inadequate? (Gates close. Megatron fires at the walls.) MEGATRON: Breach their defenses! SIPHER: Ooh, Napoleon, eat your heart out! KICKBACK: Delicious, eh, Shrapnel? SHRAPNEL: A little heavy on the electrons, electrons. ROB: What wine goes with titanium? DOUG: Gray. SIPHER: Eewww. KUP: The Insecticons are in our way! HOT ROD: Wrong! They're our way in! HYAAA! (Hot rod rams Kickback) SIPHER: There's a bug on your windshield! (Kup runs over Kickback's head) DOUG: (as the guy from KIDS IN THE HALL) I'm crushing your head! (Aerial shot of beseiged Autobot City) ROB: This is Bernard Shaw. I'm under the desk... (Communications tower fires, Blaster at controls) BLASTER: Look out an' shout! OW! SIPHER: He's way too happy about this. (Perceptor enters tower) BLASTER: Hey, Perceptor! What's shakin', other than this fortress? DOUG: Our ratings. PERCEPTOR: Blaster! Ultra Magnus sends orders to contact Optimus Prime on Moon Base One! DOUG: As opposed to Optimus Prime in Cleveland. BLASTER: All right! Cover your receptors, Perceptor! SIPHER: Wait. You had the give a message to the comm. officer by hand? BLASTER: Optimus Prime, do you read me? ROB: Like a book. BLASTER: The Decepticons are blitzing Autobot City. We're really taking a pounding! Don't know how much longer we can hold out! MEGATRON: Soundwave, jam that transmission! SIPHER: Raspberry! Only one man would DARE give me the raspberry! SOUNDWAVE: Rumble, Frenzy, Ravage, Ratbat, eject. Operation: interference. DOUG: On three! Hup! Hup! Hup! (Cassettes transform in midair) DOUG: TWO Frenzies? ROB: To make up for lack of series time. (Cassettes rip off transmitter dish) SIPHER: (singing) Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ... RUMBLE: First we crack the shell, then we crack the nuts inside! ALL: Ewwwwwwwwww... (Cassettes attack Perceptor) ROB: Midget wrestling! PERCEPTOR: Run, Blaster! Save yourself! BLASTER: No way, two can play! ROB: Over LAN or the Internet. BLASTER: Sic 'em! (Autobot cassettes eject) DOUG: Buy us! (Ravage stalks across screen...) SIPHER: Kitty! (...and is shot at and turned back by Eject) SIPHER: BAD kitty! PERCEPTOR: Do you think you got through to Prime? SIPHER: I can't get through to him, he won't listen to anybody... BLASTER: ...'cause if I didn't, we're all gonna look like burnt-out toaster ovens. DOUG: Really BIG toaster ovens. ROB: I want a toaster oven like that. (Views of the Decepticons and Autobots fighting.) BLURR: We'veGotDecepticonsAtTheGate,DecepticonsInTheAir,Decepticons InsideTheWallsDecepticonsDecepticonsDecepticons.IfWeBeatThemOnThe Walls,They'reStillInTheAir,WeShootThemOutTheAir,They'reStillAtThe Gate.SoWhereDoesThatLeaveUs,NowhereThatsWhere. SIPHER: SUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRGE!!!!!! (Cut to Springer pushing a launcher into position.) SPRINGER: Come on, Arcee, we gotta get this launcher into place! (Shot of dead Wheeljack & Windcharger) ALL: Awwwww... SPRINGER: Megatron's making his big push, and we gotta push back. ALL: Push, push! ROB: I can see the baby's head! (Kup Hot Rod and Daniel enter.) KUP: Keep at it, Springer, my boy, help's at hand! DOUG: (as Mighty Mouse) Here we come to save the day! KUP All together, now... (Autobots push the launcher. Even Daniel helps.) SIPHER: Yeah, Daniel, don't even pretend. ARCEE: I was afraid you'd be trapped outside the city. HOT ROD: Hey, I wasn't worried for a microsecond. ARCEE: Then you probably didn't understand the situation. (Sparks flying from the floor) SIPHER: Cleaning crew's gonna LOVE that. SPRINGER: That did it. (Daniel climbs a ladder to look outside) ALL: (monkey noises) MEGATRON: Constructicons! Merge for the kill! DANIEL: Kup, Hot Rod! Look! SIPHER: I can see my house from here! KUP: Devastator! (Constructicons form Devastator.) DOUG: Ohhh, poopie! DEVASTATOR: Prepare for termination! (Gun turret swings back and forth) DOUG: In front of you! The big guy! SIPHER: Shoot, dammit! (Various "helpful hints", improv) (Devastator crushes the gun turret) DOUG: Okay, never mind... SPRINGER: I've got better things to do tonight than die. ROB: "Drew Carey" is on tonight. (Launcher fires bomb) SIPHER: (As football announcer) It's a long bomb... (Bomb nails Devastator in the back) DOUG: Ooh, he's gonna need a Doan's the size of a minivan. (Launcher pulls back again) ROB: It's the LAX baggage-handling system. (Devastator hurls a chunk of wall at the launcher, Autobots scatter as the room collapses.) SIPHER: Oooh, the King Dome! (Perceptor & Grapple behind barricade, Autobot runs forward) SIPHER: Hey, that was Swoop's leg! DOUG: Sure it was. SIPHER: No, really! ROB: Of course. SIPHER: It was, dammit! (Shot of smoldering Autobot City in the morning) DOUG: And Allstate is there. MEGATRON: Their defenses are broken! Let the slaughter begin! SIPHER: Begin? What about all that slaughtering earlier? DOUG: Rehearsals. OPTIMUS: Dinobots! Destroy Devastator! GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock love challenge! SIPHER: - of the GoBots. ROB: GROAN.... (Dinobots descend.) GRIMLOCK: Dinobots... DOUG: MAXIMIZE! (Grimlock comes down on Devastator.) DOUG: Whee! Catch me, catch me! (Devastator kicks Grimlock away.) SIPHER: HIE KEEBA! (Sludge is hit in the back; eyeballs pop out) ROB: BOING! (Devastator lifts Sludge overhead) SIPHER: Helicopter spin! Do a helicopter spin! (Slag rams Devastator into a wall.) DOUG: Here, have a seat! (Swoop divebombs, but is trapped under falling rubble) SIPHER (as Max): Death from abo--aaaaugh! OPTIMUS: Megatron must be stopped... no matter the cost. DOUG: I'll stop any Megatron for forty-nine fifty... (Prime transforms and drives away) (Shot of Decepticons charging) SIPHER: (Just as Swoop's beak opens) Jerk! (Thrust's reflection in Optimus' grill) SIPHER: (as Thrust) Oh, I look so faaaaaaat! (Thrust is thrown into the air) (Blitzwing takes off to dodge Optimus) DOUG: Hey, keep it on your side of the road! (Optimus blasts off) ROB: Is it the shoes?! (Optimus blasts Ramjet. Overhead shot of Optimus blasting Dirge and Soundwave) SIPHER: (singing) I believe I can fly... I believe I can blow you sky high... (Optimus lands, blasts Kickback & Thundercracker) DOUG: Why did Op bother sending the Dinobots if he's this good? (Megatron turns) MEGATRON: Prime! ROB: Cuts! OPTIMUS: One shall stand, one shall fall. DOUG: Well, THAT'S pretty vague... MEGATRON: Why throw away your life so recklessly? OPTIMUS: That's a question you should ask yourself, Megatron. SIPHER: I know you are but what am I! ROB: Neeeyaaaaaaah. DOUG: (Good old bilabial fricative, aka "raspberry") (Megatron tackles Optimus) ROB: (as wrasslin' announcer) ONE! TWO! HOT ROD: I've got to help Prime! KUP: Stay away, lad! That's Prime's fight! SIPHER: And he wants Joe Frasier! (Megatron spears Prime with metal fragment.) DOUG: I can't believe it, Wally Carbo! A foreign object in the ring! ROB: Yeah, but here's where Prime clobbers him with a folding chair, and--oh, wait. (Optimus knocks Megatron back into a wall. Megatron grabs an energy sword) SIPHER: (as Church Lady) Oh, how conVEENient. (Megatron stabs Prime's wound with energy sword.) DOUG: Ooh! He can't take it there! (Megatrion leaps up, but Prime knocks him away again.) ROB: DE-NIED! (Megatron kicks Prime in the face.) ALL: BOOT TO THE HEAD! NAA NAA! MEGATRON: I'll rip out your optics! (Prime levers Megatron into an overhead throw.) SIPHER: (as Prime) Optics? That reminds me, Megatron, I lost a contact lens over there! Find it for me, would ya? KUP: Finish him off, Prime! Do it now! DOUG: (as MORTAL KOMBAT announcer) Finish him! (Prime approaches Megatron, who sees hidden gun.) ROB: (as Jeremy Crow from SECRET OF NIMH) Oooh, a sssparkly! MEGATRON: No more, Optimus Prime! Grant me mercy, I beg of you! PRIME: You, who are without mercy, now plead for it? SIPHER: Yeah. PRIME: I thought you were made of sterner stuff! DOUG: MYLAR! HOT ROD: No, you don't, Megatron! SIPHER: Oh yes, I do! (Megatron puts Hot Rod in a headlock) SIPHER: (as Keanu Reeves) What do you do? Shoot the hostage. MEGATRON: FALL! FALL! DOUG: (singing) All the leaves are brown... (Megatron tosses Hot Rod aside) MEGATRON: I would've waited an eternity for this. (Close up of battered Megs) ALL: (quiet shocked noises, "oooch"es and "whoah"s) MEGATRON: It's over, Prime. ROB: What, already? Short movie... OPTIMUS: _NEVER!!!_ (Optimus wallops Megatron) SIPHER: (as Stallone) ADRIAN!!! (Megatron tumbles) DOUG: (as that old lady) I've fallen, and I-- ROB: No. Don't. HOT ROD: Optimus, forgive me... ROB: Well, let me thi--no. (Shot of Megatron lying on ground, Decepticons surrounding him) DOUG: ha ha ha ha ha ha [like the "Bag of Laughs" at the end of the first "Batman" movie...] STARSCREAM: How do you feel, mighty Megatron? SIPHER: (old Jewish guy voice) I make a living... (Starscream kicks Megatron) SIPHER: (old Jewish voice) ...hey! DOUG: That's nice, kick him when he's down. ROB: Hey, best time to kick them. They're that much closer to your foot. STARSCREAM: Astrotrain! Transform and get us out of here! DOUG: Why? Aren't the Autobots still outnumbered? MEGATRON: Uhnn...don't leave me, Soundwave... SOUNDWAVE: As you command, Megatron. (Astrotrain transforms to train mode.) SIPHER: Astrotrain leaving for Anaheim, Asuza, Cybertron and Cucamonga... (Decepticons run towards Astrotrain, Rumble carrying Megatron's cannon.) DOUG: Hey, Dad, you forgot somethin'! ARCEE: The Decepticons are retreating! KUP: Prime did it! He turned the tide! DOUG: And now the Decepticons' whites are whiter! Brights brighter! (Decepticons enter Astrotrain) SIPHER: (Snicker) Coach class. STARSCREAM: Astrotrain! Take off! ROB: (as one of the McKenzie Bros) To the Great White North! ALL: (sing the Great White North Theme) (Shot of "heartbeat" readout) ROB: Last week on "ER". SIPHER: Gut-wrenching music time... PERCEPTOR: I fear the wounds are...fatal. ALL: Dibs! (Autobots gather around. Kup turns from monitors.) DOUG: (as Kup) Eh? What? You say somethin'? DANIEL: Prime, you can't die! ROB: (as Prime) Watch me, kid. OPTIMUS: Do not grieve. Soon I shall be one with the Matrix. DOUG: Which we've never heard of before now. HOT ROD: Prime! OPTIMUS: Ultra Magnus, it is to you, old friend, I shall pass the Matrix of Leadership, as it was passed to me. ULTRA MAGNUS: But Prime... I'm... I'm just a soldier... SIPHER: Not a belly itcher! ULTRA MAGNUS: I'm not worthy. ALL: (bowing) We're not worthy! We're not worthy! OPTIMUS: Nor was I, but one day, an Autobot shall rise from our ranks... SIPHER: Criswell predicts! OPTIMUS: ...and use the power of the Matrix to light our darkest hour. (Matrix is removed.) ROB: Cool! A disco ball! DOUG: Where's John Travolta when you need him? SIPHER: I've never needed John Travolta, and I don't ever intend to. OPTIMUS: Until that day ...'til all are one. DOUG: Okay, next Thursday good for you, then? (as Matrix falls) W-w-whoah... (Prime drops Matrix. Hot Rod catches it, whereupon it glows.) ROB: Look out, it's gonna blow! (Everybody ducks) (Hot Rod hands Matrix to Magnus) SIPHER: Would you sign this, please? (Magnus puts Matrix in...twice.) SIPHER: Whoops, little off-center. There. (EKG flatlines.) ROB: Oops. SIPHER: Put it back! Put it back! (Op's eyes begin to fade) SIPHER: (As Fred Sanford) I'm comin', 'Lizabeth! (Optimus turns grey) DOUG: (singing) ...and the Prime is gray... ROB: Oooh. Nice callback, Doug. (Optimus' head falls to the side, Daniel cries.) SIPHER: You know Raksha's smiling at this point. ROB: Gee, this is a real downer...let's go. OFFSTAGE: *LIGHTS!!* -----PAUSE ON BLACKOUT, HOUSE LIGHTS UP----- ROB : Man, that's kinda depressing, isn't it? We go to a movie expecting to see our favorite characters in action, only to watch many of them die and some 'bots we've never heard of take their places. DOUG : Tell me about it. There's GOT to be a better way to make cast changes. SIPHER : Well, how would you do it? I mean, get Prime & Megs out of the picture to make room for the new guys? DOUG : Well, first, I'd do it within the regular TV series. ROB : Sure... DOUG : I'd make it so that the Autobots and Decepticons have to work together on SOMETHING, and then Prime and Megs would begin to see each other differently. Two sides of the same coin, kinda. SIPHER : Mm hmm... DOUG : And then Prime and Megatron would decide that maybe it's time to stop all the fussin' an' a feudin' [intentional Southern accent here], and maybe retire from the war. [Rob & Sipher exchange skeptical looks.] DOUG : I figure they'd move to Florida... or maybe California... and open up a chain of muffin shops... ROB : Doug. Come back to us here. DOUG : What? ROB : *Muffin* shops, Doug? SIPHER : Really. If anything, the money's in BAGELS. ROB : No, that's NOT what I... (sigh)... well? How would *you* make the cast changes? SIPHER : I wouldn't. DOUG : Huh? SIPHER : I wouldn't make the changes. Everybody would stay. ROB : But what about new toys? SIPHER : [Beginning to get wound up] There WOULDN'T be ANY new toys. DOUG : But they'd have to-- SIPHER : [Somewhat crazed now] NO!! They'd just release the SAME TOYS OVER AND OVER AGAIN!! ROB : But-- SIPHER : [Definately crazed now] *THEY'D SELL, DAMMIT!!!* ROB : Siph! Settle! Down! Take a breath! SIPHER : [pauses] I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I... I just got so wrapped up in the old characters... I... I don't know what came over me... I NEED A HUG!!! DOUG : I need a bagel, come to think of it... ROB : [Cradling head in hands] I need an aspirin... let's get back to the movie, okay? OFFSTAGE: *LIGHTS!!!* -----HOUSE LIGHTS OFF. UNPAUSE MOVIE----- ROB: Bagels... (Unicron) (Unicron's video ball, or whatever) ROB: (movie announcer voice) Unicron, Sharon Stone, SLIVER. (Matrix is handed to Magnus) DOUG: You think Unicron has SenSurround? SIPHER: They're down at the botttom. (Unicron roars) DOUG: What, his cable reception go bad? ROB: Worse--it switched to MSNBC. SIPHER: Yeeg. (Astrotrain flying through space) ASTROTRAIN: Jettison some weight or I'll never make it to Cybertron! SIPHER: I'm Tommy LaSorda for Slim-Fast. STARSCREAM: Fellow Decepticons. Astrotrain has requested that we lighten our burden! BONECRUSHER: In that case, I say it is survival of the fittest! ROB: Evolution takes no prisoners. STARSCREAM: Do I hear a second on that? DECEPTICONS: AYE! DOUG: Ear! ROB: Nose! SIPHER: Throat! STARSCREAM: And against? DECEPTICONS: Nay! STARSCREAM: The ayes have it! DOUG: (weakly) I demand a recount! (Decepticons push the wounded out) ROB: We really need a third party. (Starscream carries Megatron to the door) STARSCREAM: Oh, how it *pains* me to do this! SIPHER: Uh-huh. MEGATRON: Wait! I still function! STARSCREAM: Wanna bet? (Starscream tosses Megatron out the door) MEGATRON: STAAAARSCREEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAM... DOUG: I thought in space, no one could hear you scream... SIPHER: They CAN hear you "Starscream", though. STARSCREAM: Well, as Megatron has, how shall we say, departed...I nominate myself as the new leader! DOUG: (as Gomer Pyle) Surprise, surprise, surprise! SCRAPPER: Wait! The Constructicons form Devastator, the most powerful robot! *We* should rule! ROB: (Skeptical) Uh-huh. SOUNDWAVE: Soundwave superior. Constructicons inferior. SIPHER: Zingo! BONECRUSHER: Who are you calling inferior? ROB: I thought it was pretty obvious, myself... HOOK: ... an uncharismatic boor like yourself! RUMBLE: Hey, nobody calls Soundwave uncrasamatic! DOUG: 'Cept Hook. FRENZY: Yeah, let's kick tailgate! ROB: Why? What did he do? SCRAPPER: Constructicons, unite! SIPHER: Liberation NOW! RUMBLE & FRENZY: No way! DOUG: (As Wayne) Way! (Decepticons battle inside Astrotrain.) ROB: All right! Mosh pit! SIPHER: It's Rage *Inside* The Machine! (Megatron and Decepticons drift towards Unicron) (Faint rumble from Unicron) SIPHER: Sorry. DOUG: How'd Astrotrain miss THAT? UNICRON: Megatron.... Welcome, Megatron. SIPHER: This is your life! (Megatron gouges out a handhold on Unicron's horn.) SIPHER: (as Unicron) I worked six centuries on that finish, you jerk! MEGATRON: Wh-who said that...? UNICRON: I...am Unicron. (Megatron is thrown backwards) ROB: Whew! Planet breath! MEGATRON: Show yourself! SIPHER: The big guy in front of you, dink. UNICRON: I have summoned you here for a purpose. DOUG: I've got this itch I can't reach... MEGATRON: Nobody summons Megatron! UNICRON: Then it pleases me to be the first. MEGATRON: State your business. ROB: (as Unicron) Aluminum siding, actually. UNICRON: This is my command: You are to destroy the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. It is the one thing... DOUG: (singing from INXS song) "Iiit's the...ooone thing..." MEGATRON: You have nothing to fear! I have already crushed Optimus Prime with my bare hands. SIPHER: Did you wash afterwards? UNICRON: You exaggerate. MEGATRON: The point is he's dead and the Matrix died with him! DOUG: And you know this for a fact? UNICRON: No, the point is you are a fool! The Matrix has been passed to their new leader, Ultra Magnus. Destroy it for me. MEGATRON: Why should I? What's in it for me? SIPHER: Greedy sucker, ain't he? UNICRON: Your bargaining posture is highly dubious, but very well. I will provide you with a new body and new troops to command. MEGATRON: And...? DOUG: Ah, more greed. ROB: Greed is good. UNICRON: And nothing! You belong to me now. MEGATRON: I belong to nobody! SIPHER: Well, there IS Hasbro. UNICRON: Perhaps I misjudged you. Proceed on your way to oblivion. ROB: Prime time on the UPN Network? MEGATRON: NOOOO! I ACCEPT YOUR TERMS! I ACCEPT!!! UNICRON: Excellent. SIPHER: (As Mr. Burns) Smithers! (Unicron begins CGI scan of Megatron) DOUG: New from Marvel Comics, it's the Transformers Technical Blueprints. ROB: Only $19.95! (Megatron's innards displayed) SIPHER: Anatomy of a Megatron. UNICRON: Behold--Galvatron! And these shall be your minions. Scourge, the tracker, and his huntsmen, the Sweeps. ROB: So how do you tell them apart? SIPHER: Name tags. UNICRON: Cyclonus, the warrior, and his armada. SIPHER: Some armada--one ship. (Ship slides out from Unicron's side) DOUG: And use of the company car, too? Wow! UNICRON: Now go, destroy the Autobot Matrix. ROB: (as Hawaiian Punch guy) Sure! GALVATRON: I will rip open Ultra Magnus, and every other Autobot, until the Matrix has been destroyed. SIPHER: And then, I'm going to Disneyland! ROB: Short trip. GALVATRON: To Cybertron! DOUG: (a la Buzz Lightyear) ...and beyond! (Ship leaves Unicron.) UNICRON: Destroy the Matrix... DOUG: (as Basil Fawlty) Yes, dear, I'm *doing* it, dear... (Cybertron, coronation ceremony.) DOUG: You mean *Starscream* won in the end?! (Trumpets interrupt) STARSCREAM: Get on with the ceremony! SIPHER: Hey, this was *your* idea... (Starscream shoots the Constructicons' horns) ROB: Well, that'll add to the bill... DOUG: I wonder who's catering this. (Astrotrain puts the crown on Starscream) SIPHER: (singing) The Rascal King behind the bars, or the one in front of them... STARSCREAM: My fellow Decepticons, as your new leader, I--gasp! (Cyclonus approaches) DOUG: Skywarp! Thundercracker! (Cyclonus scatters the gathered Decepticons) ROB: Wow, trying to find a parking space is tough.... STARSCREAM: Who disrupts my coronation!? GALVATRON: Coronation, Starscream? This is bad comedy. DOUG: Oh. Adam Sandler. STARSCREAM: Megatron? Is that you? GALVATRON: Here's a hint! ROB: Okay, three syllables... (Galvatron fires, Starscream writhes) SIPHER: (as dying Starscream) I thought you were gonna give me a hiiiiiinntt.... (Starscream falls to pieces) ROB: Shadoobee! ALL: SHAT-TERED! (Crown tumbles to bottom of stairs, where Galvatron steps on and crushes it.) SIPHER: Korean knock-off crown, I see. GALVATRON: Will anyone *else* attempt to fill his shoes? DOUG: (As BW Scorponok) Nope! ROB: (As Waspinator) Not me! SIPHER: (As Tarantulas) Nonononono. RUMBLE: What'd he say his name was? GALVATRON: Galvatron! ROB: (Arnold Horshack voice) That means, "The cattle are dying." DECEPTICONS: ALL HAIL GALVATRON! GALVATRON! ALL: UNION! UNION! (Unicron approaches Moon Base One) JAZZ: Where'd that come from? ROB: Well, when a Death Star and a Transformer love each other very much... CLIFFJUMPER: Who cares? I'm more worried about where it's going! ROB: Arby's. Big roast beef sale. (Unicron impales moon) JAZZ: Talk to me, Earth, we got a situation out here! SIPHER: (as George Carlin) EVERYthing's a situation, if you think about it! (Autobot City, Daniel giving "little more" arm gesture) DOUG: So why's *Daniel* the foreman? JAZZ: Roger me, wilco me, anything! Hello, hello, Earth! BLASTER: I'm picking up a faint signal! ROB: Oh, wait, it's Howard Stern. Never mind. JAZZ: This is Jazz! A gi-normous, weird-lookin' planet just showed up in the suburbs of Cybertron! SIPHER: Get a gi-normous, weird-looking planet full of savings at Menard's! (Radio bursts into interference) MAGNUS: Jazz! Cliffjumper! (Jazz & Cliffjumper rush to shuttle) JAZZ: Got to blast free if we can! ROB: Not as if you have a whole lot of options. CLIFFJUMPER: Ignition and... JAZZ: Hit it! SIPHER: Get down! DOUG: Boogie tonight! (Ship rockets off, but sputters) DOUG: Pilot light's out! CLIFFJUMPER: Jazz! We're not getting away! ROB: (singing) Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta heeere... (Ship tumbles into Unicron's maw) SPIKE: This is Spike and Bumblebee, up here on Moon Base Two. DOUG: Naw. BUMBLEBEE: This thing, this monster planet just ripped the first moon to shreds! SPIKE: And it's heading this way! BUMBLEBEE: We'll try and slow it down... SPIKE: But you'd better get here fast, because we're not gonna... ROB: ...be wearing any pants! SPIKE: Bumblebee, activate the explosives! (Bumblebee fiddling with equipment) SIPHER: Yeah, you dropped the trannie right outta the middle there... BUMBLEBEE: If this doesn't stop it, nothing will. (Bumblebee runs to command center) BUMBLEBEE: The explosives are activated! Let's get out of here! DOUG: Naw, I thought we'd stay and watch from up close. BUMBLEBEE: Hurry! It's gonna blow!! ROB: That's what you WANT it to do, right? (Ship takes off) (Moon explodes as Unicron pulls it in) ALL: YOW! (Bumblebee is tossed around as ship spins) SIPHER: Shoulda been in his child safety seat... (Bumblebee & Spike cheer, but stop suddenly) BUMBLEBEE: Look! SPIKE: It isn't even dented! DOUG: Die-cast construction. SPIKE: (Oh shit,) what are we gonna do now? SIPHER: Scream. Die maybe. (Ship tumbles backwards) BUMBLEBEE: We're being sucked into it! DOUG: (as Butthead) Uh huh-huh...uh huh-huh-huh... (On Cybertron) GALVATRON: How dare Unicron! Cybertron and all its moons belong to me! (Galvatron is consumed in pain) DOUG: He's got tinnitis! SCOURGE: But remember, WE belong to HIM. ROB: He's got the receipt to prove it, too. GALVATRON: I belong... to... nobody... SIPHER: But...no one...doesn't belong...to...Sarah Lee... (Galvatron tumbles) DOUG: Chevy Galvatron Chase. GALVATRON: I will obey... Unicron... Decepticons, to Earth! (Earth) MAGNUS: Autobots, prepare to board the shuttles. This new menace is more dangerous than all the Decepticons put together. ROB: Barney? MAGNUS: Somehow we must destroy it, before it devours Cybertron. DOUG: Rush Limbaugh? DANIEL: But what about my dad? He's on the moon between that monster planet and Cybertron. MAGNUS: Daniel... PERSON (as Magnus) ...I believe the expression is "Tough noogies." SPRINGER: And what do we do when we get there? ROB: Panic! SPRINGER: If that thing crunches moons, it's gonna make short work of us. MAGNUS: Maybe the Matrix can stop it. HOT ROD: You're right, it can! KUP: What do you know about it, lad? HOT ROD: I just have this feeling... SIPHER: (singing badly) I'm hooked on a feeeeliiiiiing... DOUG: Damn you, Sipher. SPRINGER: Look! SIPHER: Up in the— ROB: No, don't. MAGNUS: To the shuttles! GALVATRON: I, Galvatron, will crush you just as Megatron crushed Prime. MAGNUS: And you'll die trying, just like Megatron! ROB: Ouch. Zing. GALVATRON: Autobot scrap! SCOURGE: You want me to gut Ultra Magnus? GAVATRON: There are plenty of Autobots for you. Ultra Magnus is *mine*. ROB: Galvatron sounds like Bob Dole. DOUG: (as Bob Dole) Where's the outrage?! ARCEE: Stay close to me, Daniel! HOT ROD: And *you'd* better stay close to me! ARCEE: No, *you'd* better stay close to *me!* SIPHER: You go, girl! (Blurr tries to get the Dinobots on the shuttle) BLURR: ComeOnDinoNiceDinoSweetDinoComeOnIntoTheShuttle... DOUG: SUUUUUURRRRRGE!!! ROB: EXTREME PLEADING!! GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock not nice dino! Me bash brains! DOUG: That might explain a few things... (Grimlock scorches Cyclonus piloted by Galvatron, who shakes his fist) DOUG: Rassafrassin' rackafrack... (Grimlock torches passing Sweep) ROB: Mmmm, flame-broiled Sweep! MAGNUS: Blurr, get the Dinobots in the shuttle! BLURR: I'mTryingToGetThemInTheShuttleUltraMagnus... SIPHER: My head hurts. BLURR: ...ButICan'tSeemToGetThemInTheShuttle'CauseThey'reImpossible ImpossibleImpossible! MAGNUS: OK, forget it! DOUG: Leave 'em! MAGNUS: Kup, Hot Rod, you guys get the Dinobots aboard and get out of here! (Hot Rod lassoes Grimlock) DOUG: Next, on the Nashville Network... HOT ROD: Come on you big bozo, get in the shuttle. ROB: Which would you rather lasso--Grimlock or a bull? SIPHER: Bull. DOUG: Yeah. KUP: This reminds me of the battle on Alpha 9; the petrorabbits were--Grimlock, get your noodle outta my face! SIPHER: (As Homer Simpson) Mmmm...noodles.... GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock love Kup's war stories! KUP: You're living one now! ROB: Grimlock, this is your war! GRIMLOCK: Tell Grimlock about petrorabbits again! KUP: I'll give you petrorabbits! Contact! SIPHER: (singing) It's the answer... ROB: (singing) It's the reason... DOUG: (singing) ...that everything happens... (Kup and Hot Rod's shuttle starts to take off.) SPRINGER: Looks like we're shipmates, squirt. SIPHER: Oh, be still MY beating heart... SPRINGER: But if you get spacesick, you're gonna walk home! ROB: And I don't do diapers, either. MAGNUS: Hurry! SIPHER: I'm working on it! Jeez! DANIEL: Wait, Ultra Magnus! Arcee's still out there! DOUG: Don't you just hate late arrivals? (Shuttle lifts as Arcee runs towards the ramp) ROB: Hey! Come back here! STOP!! SPRINGER: Jump! DOUG: How high? (Arcee catches the shuttle's ramp) SIPHER: Good thing she has magnetic palms. (Springer reaches for Arcee's hand) SIPHER: (as E.T.) Ouch. ARCEE: Thanks. DANIEL: That was close! SPRINGER: Believe it or not, this is the fun part. ROB: Remind me to talk about your definition of "fun" sometime. MAGNUS: Congratulations, Autobots, we've lost them, so rest while you can. SIPHER: They lost the Cons just by taking off? KUP: Yep, I remember the dust was so thick on Beta 4, you had to use windshield wipers on your optic sensors. SIPHER: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock know all about wipers! ROB: I am de wiper! GRIMLOCK: Want to hear good part of story! (Grimlock knocks Swoop over) SWOOP: Good part, Kup! Tell Swoop good part! SIPHER: "The End." KUP: Okay, okay! Well, the dust was really thick. And then this gigantic Igyac came tromping and stomping down the mountain, flame spewing out of its nostrils, and I thought for sure... HOT ROD: Hey Kup, don't you think we have better things to do now than tell old stories? KUP: Like what? ROB: Well, we could use some new wallpaper. And then the curtains will have to go. Oh, and we'll need a new ottoman. HOT ROD: Like maybe figure out how we're going to rescue our friends and then save Cybertron. DOUG: That simple, huh? GRIMLOCK: No, tell story! DINOBOTS: Shhhh. Quiet. Tell story. We want to hear story. Tell story. (Combat drone attacks Hot Rod from behind) SIPHER: (As Nelson) Ha ha! COMBAT DRONE: Bzzzzt!! Timeout, timeout, timeout! ROB: Sore winner. (The Decepticons start attacking the shuttles. The first missile volley misses, but doubles back.) SIPHER: Back this way, Dave! Come on! HOT ROD: They're closing on us! KUP: Yep, like the shrikebats of Dromadon. DOUG: Dramamine? SIPHER: Yes, please. HOT ROD: How'd you beat them? KUP: I'm trying to remember; there were an awful lot of casualties that day. Oh, yeah! We inverted polarities! ROB: I had inverted polarities once. There's a salve for it, you know. SIPHER: Thank you. HOT ROD:They're comin' back! (Rockets reverse direction, explode in front of Hot Rod and Kup's shuttle) SIPHER: So much for *that* brilliant idea. HOT ROD: All right, we survived that! KUP: Yeah, but will we survive this? DOUG: Will they survive? Tune in next time, when we'll hear Galvatron say: GALVATRON: Cyclonus, transform and attack. (Cyclonus tranforms and attacks the shuttle) ROB: And Magnus is just sitting and watching all this? SIPHER: He's taping it, even. KUP: I can't control it. SIPHER: Sounds like a personal problem. HOT ROD: We're gonna crash! (Shuttle smashes through a planet ring) DOUG: Oh no, the tram rail! SPRINGER: Kup and Hot Rod just bought it! MAGNUS: I can't deal with that now! ROB: I'm trying to locate my anger. SPRINGER: Face it, Magnus, the Decepticons are going to dog us until they see us dead. MAGNUS: Then that's exactly what they're gonna to see. ALL: *Huh?!* MAGNUS: Prepare for emergency separation! PERCEPTOR: That's too dangerous! MAGNUS: What choice to we have? SIPHER: Well, maybe if you'd put some GUNS on your ships... (Galvatron lauches missiles, which fly neck-and-neck towards shuttle) DOUG: (as various missiles) Me first! No me first! (Autobot shuttle explodes) ALL: Oooh... SCOURGE:The Autobots have been terminated. GALVATRON: Excellent. And the Matrix with them. (Galvatron keels over from the pain) DOUG: Wouldn't it have been easier if Unicron had used the radio? GALVATRON: Unicron! WHY?! SIPHER: Because we love you! GALVATRON: Take me to Unicron! Take me now! ROB: Wow, this is sudden... SIPHER: Oh please. Stop. (Back to interior of Magnus' shuttle.) ARCEE: Did we have to let them detonate 3 quarters of the ship? SPRINGER: Seeing as how they would have detonated 4 quarters, I think it was a good choice. SIPHER: The ship's only worth a dollar? That explains a lot. ARCEE: But now how are we going to get there in this wreck? MAGNUS: Perceptor, can you locate a place to set down for repairs? PERCEPTOR: Gamma waves in this region of space create marginal navigation probabilities.. However... (Ultra Magnus just taps the side of his head) All: (quiet snickers) PERCEPTOR: Ahem. Yes, I believe I can. The planet of Junk is in this vicinity. ROB: Maybe they could land on Cartoon Planet. SIPHER: Coo-el! (Underwater Quintessa. Various metal fishes eating each other.) DOUG: REALLY Wild Kingdom. HOT ROD: Kup! Grimlock! Slag! Anybody! DOUG: Janet! Dr. Scott! Janet! Brad! Rocky! SIPHER: (as Rocky J. Squirrel) Again? (Hot Rod turns his hand into a saw blade) DOUG: (singing) "Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..." KUP: Hot Rod! Help me! HOT ROD: Kup! (Hot Rod transforms and drives off) SIPHER: He gets great traction underwater. HOT ROD: Kuuup! ROB: Elaaaaaine...! KUP: Help... (Giant mecha-squid appears) SIPHER: It's Sushitron! (Hot Rod slices off a few tentacles) DOUG: Save me a slice o' that... SIPHER: (as Cajun Chef) Good stock, I guar-on-tee! (Hot Rod shoots squid in the eye, which shatters) ROB: My contact! SIPHER: You big jerk! (Squid runs away, spraying ink) DOUG: Uugh. SIPHER: Oh, I hope he meant to do that. HOT ROD: Kup! Talk to me! KUP: Pffff! Fffix me! DOUG: (as Tin Woodsman) Oil can!! HOT ROD: Sure, Kup! Right away! (Hot Rod collects Kup's pieces) ROB: Good thing his limbs popped off clean. SIPHER: It's those new ball & socket joints, you know. (Hot Rod carries Kup to the shore.) DOUG: (as Tin Woodsman) Well, that's you, Kup, all over. (Other shuttle approaches Junk.) MAGNUS: Brace for impact!! SIPHER: Stick your head between your knees, and... (The shuttle makes a rough landing) DOUG: That's hell on the finish... MAGNUS: Say something... SIPHER: Something. MAGNUS: ...anybody! ALL: Anybody. SPRINGER: Remind me to give the auto-pilot a raise. ROB: Why? It *crashed!* ARCEE: Daniel? DANIEL: I'm okay. DOUG: Darn. MAGNUS: Let's try to salvage this thing. DANIEL: Can I help too? ROB: Yes. Stay inside. SPRINGER: It's rough out there, kid. ARCEE: I think Daniel can make himself useful with this. DOUG: An iron lung? DANIEL: Dad's exo-suit! He told me all about it! SIPHER: So why's it here and not with Dad? ARCEE: Here, try it on. ROB: Does it have a panel in the back like his pajamas? DOUG: Nah, it's got hoses. SIPHER: (head in his hands) I didn't need to hear that. ARCEE: Now try to walk. Come on, you can do it! (Daniel stumbles and falls a couple of times) SPRINGER: Just think about what you want to do before you do it. DOUG: What, and break a lifetime habit? DANIEL: It's kinda tricky ...woah, uh! (Daniel somersaults) ROB: 8.6! DOUG: 7.5! SIPHER: And the Russian judge gives him a three! ARCEE: Keep on practicing. You'll get the hang of it. MAGNUS: Come on, showtime's over, we've got work to do. DOUG: Party pooper. DANIEL: *whistles* This must be the junk capital of the universe. ROB: Trenton? SIPHER: Love Canal? DOUG: The Jerry Springer Show? (Wreck-Gar and the Junkions emerge from the surrounding junk.) WRECK-GAR: Stop, thief! SIPHER: Happy birthday! WRECK-GAR: No welcome-wagon "Hello, stranger," with that new coffee flavor for you! SIPHER: Oh, cool. WRECK-GAR: Offer expires while you wait. Operators are standing by. DOUG: I don't know what that means, but it sounds menacing. SIPHER: Time to break... OFFSTAGE: *LIGHTS!!* -----PAUSE ON BLACKOUT, HOUSE LIGHTS UP----- [Doug is off a bit to the left, holding a series of index cards. Rob & Sipher are to the right. Rob has a Galvatron toy, Sipher a Shockwave. (They should be functioning with batteries.)] DOUG : Welcome to Trivia Masters, the game show for people with nothing better to do than memorize unimportant factoids. Our two contestants today look ready to go... ROB : Um, not yet. [Five-second pause, nobody does anything] ROB : Okay. Ready. DOUG : Let's meet the contestants! From Krakatoa, east of Java, studying law and underwater basket-weaving, Robert! [Rob waves to crowd, then hits himself on the head with the microphone] DOUG : And from just a jump to the left and then a step to the right, just back from a successful tour of the United Arab Emirates, M Sipher! [Sipher waves to crowd] DOUG : And now to play the game. The subject today is "Transformers the Movie", and the first question is worth ten points! [Rob & Sipher get ready] DOUG : And the question is : What is Starscream's shoe size? [Slight pause, then Rob buzzes] DOUG : Rob! ROB : Extra large, Doug? DOUG : Incorrect, sorry. [Sipher buzzes] DOUG : Sipher. SIPHER : Extra crispy? DOUG : Correct, ten points! [Pause for applause] Okay, next question is for fifteen points... Which Transformer sounds the most like a STAR TREK character? And name the TREK character. [Sipher buzzes] SIPHER : Galvatron, Spock? DOUG : Incorrect. [Rob buzzes] ROB : Kup, Bones. DOUG : Correct for fifteen poins! That was a tricky one... [pause] For twenty points... translated, what does the Universal Greeting mean? [Sipher buzzes] DOUG : Sipher! SIPHER : "Not in the face, not in the face"? DOUG : Incorrect, sory. [Rob buzzes] ROB : "Klaatu Barada Nikto", Doug? DOUG : I'm sorry, the correct answer is "I will not buy this record, it is scratched." [Pause] Or, if you use the Centauri 4 meaning for "graaahnah", "Cheese bucket on the breakfast, purple monkey dishwasher, millenium hand and shrimp." [Pause while Rob & Sipher grouse] DOUG : And now we move on to the lightning round! If you would both stand in the buckets of water at your feet... [Rob & Sipher shuffle over a bit.] DOUG : All right. As you know, the lightning round is a rapid-fire round. Every correct answer is worth five points, every incorrect answer worth an electric current through the buckets of water you're standing in. [Doug turns to audience] DOUG : Hey, they do worse to people in Japanese game shows. [Doug turns back to his cards] DOUG : Okay. Here we go... now! [At this point, everybody speaks fast and urgently] How many old characters die in TFTM? [Sipher buzzes] SIPHER : Too many! DOUG : Correct! Why does Unicron fear the Matrix? [Rob buzzes] ROB : It beat him up as a kid! DOUG : Correct! What was the point of Wheelie? [Sipher buzzes] SIPHER : To annoy the audience! DOUG : Incorrect! SIPHER : YAGH! [Rob buzzes] ROB : To make us miss Bumblebee! DOUG : Wrong! ROB : YURHG! DOUG : Correct answer was "None"! How long was the Movie? [Sipher buzzes] SIPHER : Shorter than BERLIN ALEXANDERPLATZ! DOUG : [Confusd pause] Um... why not. Correct! My dog has no nose! How does he smell? [Rob & Sipher buzz simultaneosly] ROB & SIPHER : [simultaneously] TERRIBLE!! DOUG : Correct! What's the worst part of TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE? [Rob buzzes] ROB : It spawned "Five Faces of Darkness"! DOUG : Correct! Why didn't Arcee get a toy made after her? [Sipher buzzes] SIPHER : It's a cruel and unjust world! DOUG : Correct! What the hell is Kevin Costner's deal? [Rob & Sipher buzz simultaneously] ROB & SIPHER : He's a talentless egomaniac! DOUG : Correct! At BotCon'98, what's the vocal cue to turn off the house lights and unpause the movie? OFFSTAGE : *LIGHTS!!!* DOUG : Correct! -----HOUSE LIGHTS OFF. UNPAUSE MOVIE----- SIPHER: So who won? DOUG: We all did. SIPHER: Oh. Damn. ROB: I wanted that lounge suite. (Back on Quintessa) HOT ROD: That does it! Well, what do you think? DOUG: (making "okay" sign) It stinks! (Kup tests his reassembled body.) KUP: Of all the circuit-glitched, diode-blowin' dim-wittery--you left a piece out! SIPHER: "Circuit-glitched"? DOUG: "Diode-blowing"? ROB: "Dim-wittery"? KUP: ...all things considered, you did an amazing job, lad. Amazing. HOT ROD: Really? ROB: No. KUP: Yeah, you even got rid of a nasty burr in my rotator. DOUG: Rotator? I barely know 'er! KUP: Now let's get the Dinobots and get off this twisted planet. DOUG: What, no sightseeing? ROB: YOU try and get a Triple-A travel guide for this place. (Hot Rod and Kup, transform, drive a bit, then meet Gatorcons.) KUP: Don't act hostile. I'll use the universal greeting. HOT ROD: Universal greeting? SIPHER: It begins with "Don't shoot." KUP: Watch, I'll have them eating out of my hand. Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong. HOT ROD: Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong? ALL: (assorted quiet snickers) GATORCONS: Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong! KUP: See? The universal greeting works every time! Now, without making any sudden moves, offer them an energon goodie. ROB: See our White Bot's Magic! (Gatorcons crowd Hot Rod & Kup) HOT ROD: This is getting expensive! KUP: Don't worry, they'll reciprocate! DOUG: Huh? They'll make rain? SIPHER: No, that's precipitate. DOUG: Oh. HOT ROD: I thought they were supposed to reciprocate! No more! ALL: (a la Chris Rock routine) *HUH?!* KUP: Empty! (Alligatorcons transform and attack) SIPHER: Oh, wait--that was the Universal INSULT. My mistake. Sorry. ROB: Not me, not me! Take the boy! (Wheelie vaults over a hill to see Hot Rod getting hogpiled) ROB: Monkeypile on the Autobots! (Wheelie follows Kup and Hot Rod until they're taken inside.) KUP: Reminds me of the Nitith slave mines on Golganoth 7. SIPHER: What was that slaver's name? SIPHER & ROB: Jean-Luc!!! HOTROD: *Every*place reminds you of someplace else. KUP: Experience, lad. You should learn to appreciate it. HOT ROD: Lot of good it's done us so far. SIPHER: Bitch, bitch, bitch. HOT ROD: Hey, what's going on over there? DOUG: Dinner theater. QUINT BAILIFF: Has the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict? QUINT JUDGE: I have. ROB: (Snickering) It's H.R. Geiger's faberge' egg. (Assorted snickers from the Peanut Gallery) QUINT JUDGE: Innocent. QUINT BAILIFF: Feed him to the Sharkticons. SIPHER: You'd think he wouldn't have to tell them that by now. (Robot plummets, Sharkticons pounce) ALL: Sharkticons ripped my flesh! Rizz! HOT ROD: We've got to get a new travel agent. ROB: Or take a Carnival Cruise. DOUG: No, I'd rather deal with Sharkticons than Kathie Lee's singing. (Shot of dilapidated jail cell) SIPHER: Ah. The Wu-Tang Clan's been through, I see... HOT ROD: What is this place? KRANIX: The world of the savage Sharkticons, and their cruel masters, the Quintessons. SIPHER: Party capital of the universe! KRANIX: I am Kranix, my planet was destroyed by Unicron. HOT ROD: Unicron? Who's Unicron? KRANIX: A planet that devours everything in its path. KUP: So that's the monster's name. (Quintesson Guards enter the cell and drag Kranix away) DOUG: All right, you provide exposition, now time you die! KRANIX: No please, I'm the last survivor of Lithone! No, no! SIPHER: Sucks to be you, don't it? HOT ROD: Let him go! Aaaa! (Electrified bars force Hot Rod back) ALL (singing) Don't whiz on the electric fence! BAILIFF: Soon, you too shall recieve your sentence. (Cell door shuts.) BAILIFF: Has the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict? DOUG: Hung jury! ROB: Retrial! SIPHER: Nah, just take 'em to civil court. BAILIFF: Guilty or innocent? KRANIX: Spare me this mockery of justice! DOUG: Spare me this moment of melodrama! QUINT BAILIFF: I repeat; guilty or innocent? (Quint Judge does a face shift) SIPHER: (Snickering) The Easter Bunny's been shooting up, I see... QUINT JUDGE: Innocent. (Kranix is tossed to the Sharkticons) KRANIX: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... ROB: I've got tubes in my ears! (Kranix emerges from the water) SIPHER: All right...now! (Sharkticons pounce on him) KUP: Not the end I'd wish for, lad. SIPHER: I'd wish for whipped cream and Galaxina. DOUG: WHOAH. ROB: Okay, that's enough... (Swoop flies over Quintessa, lands in front of other Dinobots) SWOOP: Me Swoop no see nothing. ROB: So you saw something, then. GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock positive Hot Rod and Kup close! SIPHER: They're great friends. SLAG: Me Slag say you full of berrylium baloney! DOUG: Ah. They have that at *Bot*sky's Deli! SIPHER: Argh... GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock say you full of cesium salami! SLAG: Berrylium baloney! ROB: Next, on "Crossfire..." WHEELIE: Friends find, look behind. DOUG: Gosh, wow, dino chow! SIPHER: Oh no. (Wheelie climbs on Sludge) ROB: Ride the Wild Sludge! WHEELIE: Friend find, look behind. You go wrong way, you fool I say. GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock fool? SIPHER: He's still alive, ain't he? WHEELIE: Picture you got, no fool you not! (Laughs) GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock no like you! DOUG: You and a lot of others. (Grimlock smacks Wheelie) ROB: YES! (Wheelie hits Grimlock in the nose with his slingshot) GRIMLOCK: Ow! ROB: Aw, did Grimlock get a boo-boo? SIPHER: Maybe Wheelie will kiss it and make it better. DOUG: Maybe Grimlock can eat Wheelie afterwards. ROB: Dream on. WHEELIE: Me Wheelie say, find friends today! GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock say, we on our way! SIPHER: Oh, no! It's contagious! DOUG: No way, Jose. ROB: & SIPHER: Agggggggh! (Unicron) GALVATRON: Unicron, why do you torture me? DOUG: No cable? UNICRON: You have failed. GALVATRON: No, Unicron! Ultra Magnus is dead and the Matrix destroyed. SIPHER: (As Cosby's Noah) RIGHT. UNICRON: The Matrix has not been destroyed, and Ultra Magnus lives, on the planet of Junk. Stalk him. Tear him apart. And destroy the Matrix. ROB: Hey, *you* have all the answers, why don't *you* do the job? (Planet of Junk) PERCEPTOR: Be sure the fittings are securely welded. SIPHER: You bossin' dis crew? BLURR: AbsolutelyPositivelyDefinitely!IWouldn'tDoItAnyOtherWay,Any OtherWayAtAll! ROB: SURGE! DOUG: EXTREME WELDING! DANIEL: Whoah, this exo-suit's fantastic! I think I'm starting to get the hang of it! DOUG: The boy in the bubble. SIPHER: And the baby with the baboon heart? WRECK-GAR: Forward, avanti, and, like, go for the gusto! (Decepticons fly overhead) WRECK-GAR: Hang on... MAGNUS: Decepticons! We've got to draw them off and double back to the shuttle. ROB: Okay...why? (Shuttle explodes) SIPHER: Gee, I hope they had insurance on that. SPRINGER: There goes the shuttle! SIPHER: There goes my rental deposit! DANIEL: What do I do?! BLURR: Transform!Transform!YouCanDoIt!IKnowYouCanDoIt!YouCanDoIt! (Blurr transforms and speeds off) SIPHER: EXTREME RETREAT! YEAH! YEAH! DANIEL: Transform! (Laser fire erupts in front of him, Scavenger & Shrapnel land in front of him.) DOUG: Wait! He's dead! ROB: No, those were clones. SCAVENGER: Human germ! DANIEL: Transform! (The exo-suit transforms. Daniel runs over the Decepticons) ROB: Hey, that's just a learner's permit! GALVATRON: There they are! Attack! SIPHER: Y'know, you'd think Unicron would've given him a better sense of strategy along with the new body... MAGNUS: Make a break for cover! I'll try to unleash the power of the Matrix! DOUG: Man, how does he keep coming up with these lousy plans? ALL: 'Til all are one! MAGNUS: 'Til all are one! (Decepticons land and corner Magnus.) DOUG: He's not good with pickle jars, either. ROB: Hit it with a butter knife! ULTRA MAGNUS: Open, dammit, open! ROB: Ooh, a dirty word! MAGNUS: Prime, you said the Matrix would light our darkest hour. ROB: "Our" darkest hour. Not *yours* personally. GALVATRON: Magnus, I want the Matrix. ULTRA MAGNUS: Never! SIPHER: Get your own! GALVATRON: Sweeps, terminate him! SIPHER: They're gonna downsize him? DOUG: Rightsize him. ROB: Offer him an exiting new employment opportunity. SIPHER: As spare parts. (Scourge and the Sweeps fire on Magnus.) MAGNUS: (Groans) GALVATRON:Die! Die! ROB: Duuuuuh, okay! (Magnus falls and explodes. Galvatron catches Matrix.) SIPHER: And Ultra Magnus pops out to center field... GALVATRON: Unicron, my master, with this I shall make you my slave. SIPHER: How, exactly? UNICRON: (Roars) DOUG: You might wanna think that plan through a little better... (Scene change back to Quintesson courtroom.) BAILIFF: Before his imperial magistrate delivers a verdict, would you like to beg for your life? SIPHER: (desperate voice) Yes!! BAILIFF: It sometimes helps, but not often. SIPHER: Encouraging. KUP: I can't transform. HOT ROD: Keep trying. JUDGE: Silence, or you'll be held in contempt of this court. DOUG: And I thought Ed Koch was crochety. HOT ROD: I have nothing *but* contempt for this court! SIPHER: [gives the screen the finger and a Bronx cheer] BAILIFF: Guilty or innocent? JUDGE: Innocent. ROB: And now let's turn to Doug Lewellyn outside the courtroom... (Hot Rod and Kup are dropped in with the Sharkticons.) HOT ROD: They've got more Sharkticons than we have photon charges! KUP: Then lets hold a demolition derby! SIPHER: Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! (Hot Rod & Kup transform. Sharkticon looks down) DOUG: Huh? Hey, Steve, check it out! (Sharkticons dive) ROB: Hey, Bill found 'em! Down there! SIPHER: Never seen 'em do that before... (Kup and Hot Rod start lapping Sharkticons and churning up pool) SIPHER: They're crazy! Get out! Save yourselves! (Whirpool forms, Hot Rod & Kup leap out, carried by momentum) ALL: [As Mr. Hanky] HOOOOOOOOOWDY-HO! (First Sharkticons get rammed) DOUG: Jeez! Tony, look out! They're crazy! SIPHER: Wasn't there a pit there just a second ago? HOT ROD: Hahaha! Didn't even bend a fender! Haha! ROB: RUN, you idiots! KUP: ...there're a lot more of those cam-diggin', grill-crackin' things. DOUG: Boy, he's just king of the adjective, ain't he? HOT ROD: We can't hold out forever, Kup, but we can give them one humongous repair bill! DOUG: There's a legacy to leave the grandkids. SIPHER: He's not going to *have* any grandkids at this rate. ROB: Good. (Hot Rod knocks out one Sharkticon's teeth) DOUG: Free dental work... (Hot Rod dodges injured Sharkticon, which rakes off another Sharkticon's face) DOUG: ...and face lifts. SIPHER: Face drops. DOUG: Oh. QUINT BAILIFF: EXECUTE THEM! ROB: While I run and and hide! (Courtrom door crushes Bailiff; Dinobots tromp in) SLAG: Excuse me! ROB: At least he was polite about it... GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock want to munch metal! SIPHER: Me not eaten since yesterday! (Sharkticons cower as shadow looms over them...) SIPHER: Ladies and gentlemen... (Sludge crushes several underfoot) SIPHER: ...STOMP! (Swoop tosses a few Sharkticons around) ROB: Cannonball!! HOT ROD: Ha ha! I never thought I'd be so happy to see those big bozos. GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock no bozo, me king! DOUG: King Bozo! JUDGE: Sharkticons, execute them! (Sharkticons transform) DOUG: THAT was pointless. (Grimlock roars and stomps.) ALL: (Bounce in seats in time w. stomp) Whoah! GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock say execute them! (Sharkticons look at each other and smile) SIPHER: (evil-sounding laugh) (Sharkticons charge the Quints) KUP: I think the problems on this planet will be solved very shortly. ROB: That's what happens when you don't give them pay raises. HOT ROD: ... We need a ship. WHEELIE: You get ship if I get trip! HOT ROD: Who're you? GRIMLOCK: Him Wheelie! Him friend! DOUG: Him annoying! HOT ROD: He'll be mine too if he can find a ship. WHEELIE: Give stare over there! ROB: (whimpers) KUP: That's a ship? HOT ROD: Who cares, as long as it flies. SIPHER: So you're not worried about the landing, then? DOUG: Let's go. OFFSTAGE: *LIGHTS!!* -----PAUSE ON BLACKOUT, HOUSE LIGHTS UP----- [Rob is reading from a children's TF book. Doug is grousing in his seat. Sipher walks up with an accordion.] SIPHER : Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of the first female Transformer character to get major screen time, I have penned a little number for one of BotCon's special guests, Susan Blu. I will accompany myself on the accordion. ROB : Oh dear God. SIPHER : A-one and-a two and-a -- DOUG : JEEZ THAT LITTLE DINK! ROB : Doug? Problem? DOUG : Hm? No, I was just reflecting on how much I hate Wheelie. "Friend find, look behind"... yergh. Annoying little twerp. ROB : Yeah... you just wanna drop him in a stump grinder, don't you? SIPHER : Personally, I don't understand why people hate Wheelie. DOUG : Excuse me? SIPHER : Lemme rephrase that... I know the *reasons* behind the hate, I just don't understand why people bother hating him. I mean, he's a fictional character... and there are so many more REAL-LIFE annoying people worthy of intense hatred! ROB : Like who? SIPHER : Well... how about the Olsen twins? One year of Wheelie vs. TWELVE years of "Full House", plus movies and direct-to-video releases starring those two vacant, no-talent brats? DOUG : Hey, yeah... what about Kathie Lee Gifford? Now THERE'S a woman you wanna take aside and beat senseless. SIPHER : [snorts] Short beating. ROB : Hey, might as well pummel Regis Philbin while you're there! DOUG : I'd pay good money for that chance. ROB : Bill Gates. That phenomenal geek. SIPHER : YES. ROB : [as Optimus] Bill Gates must be stopped... no matter the cost. SIPHER : Courtny Love... the only reason she has a career is because she hopped on the Pity Train after Cobain killed himself. And while I'm at it, I'll go ahead and hate Cobain for being responsible for Courtny Love's career, AND for turning MTV into Seattlevision! [wait for boos] Not the most popular position, I know... DOUG : Yanni, Kenny G and John Tesh. Line 'em up against the wall. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! SIPHER : Wait, wait, John Tesh went on THE DAILY SHOW. That's cool. He answered 5 out of the Five Questions correctly. DOUG : Oh. Okay. He may live. ROB : What about Garth Brooks? He gets famous for an excrusiatingly stupid song that isn't even his!! SIPHER : You want annoying? Hanson! I'd like to Mmmbop them right upside their empty little heads! DOUG : The Spice Girls! SIPHER : Oh, you do know the difference between The Spice Girls and porno movies, don't you? ROB : What? SIPHER : Porn's got better music. ROB : Rob Lefield. [sp?] Learn some continuity, you hack! SIPHER : On that note, Todd McFarlane. That arrogant little putz. I saw yer HBO show, Todd, and it stunk! You're not Alfred Hitcock by ANY stretch of the imagination! DOUG : And how come when HE repaints his entire figure line, everybody has an orgasm, but when anybody else does it, it's a horrible crime? ROB : G. Gordon Liddy, Pat Buchanan, and all the other Nixon flunkies. SIPHER : Kevin Costner! Do we NEED another three-hour movie that Costner directs and stars in where he's the infallable hero who saves the world and gets to have sex with the major female characters? DOUG : Not in my lifetime. ROB : Yep... [pause] DOUG : I still hate Wheelie, though. ALL : [various "oh yeahs" and "of course"s, improv] OFFSTAGE : *LIGHTS!!!* -----HOUSE LIGHTS OFF. UNPAUSE MOVIE----- ROB: Sipher, can you actually PLAY the accordion? SIPHER: No. ROB: Thanks, Doug. (Parts of Ultra Magnus lie scattered) ROB: I'm guessing there's really lax littering laws here. ARCEE: Ultra Magnus... BLURR: WithoutTheMatrixThereIsNoHopeNoHopeNoHopeAtAll. ARCEE: First Prime, now Ultra Magnus. What do we do? SIPHER: Me? I'm going on break. This sucks. DANIEL: Look! WRECK-GAR: Don't look behind door number two, Monty! DOUG: TAKE THE BOX! WRECK-GAR: It's time to play "End of the Line," my valentine! Ge-ronny-doo-ron-ron-ronny-moooo! SIPHER: (Pumps fist in the air) YES! (Autobots scramble as Junkions charge) SIPHER: (as Wreck-Gar) Today on "Springer"--Intruders and the Junkions who hate them! DOUG: You stupid motherBLEEEEP! ROB: BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEP! (Springer pulls one Junkion into a crash.) DOUG: Ooh, road rash! SIPHER: Nope--no roads. DOUG: Rust rash, then. (Junkions switch positions and take off.) DOUG: Now THAT'S a neat trick! (Two Junkion pairs try to net Blurr) SIPHER: There's dolphin bits in this! (Arcee takes down another duo with "wheel tripper") ALL: (Singing the chorus to "Peter Gunn") (The next pair down also switch places.) SPRINGER: It's not hard to knock 'em down--it's gettin' 'em to *stay* down that's the trick! ARCEE: They're indestructible! DANIEL: And they're everywhere! ROB: Yeah, like Wal-Marts! WRECK-GAR: You check in, but you don't check out! SIPHER: Let's see if you're READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL! (Springer & Wreck-Gar engage in a duel) DOUG: There can be ONLY ONE!!! (Wreck-Gar knocks Springer backwards with his shield) ROB: Taste my steel, green boy! (Springer tries to back up, but tires skid in the scrap) DOUG: Maybe he needs rust tires. (Daniel knocks out Wreck-Gar with a metal beam) SIPHER: And Daniel gives him the gong! (Shadow looms over planet) SIPHER: [singing] I'm being followed by a dark shadow... (Quint ship comes down) DOUG: Well, *that* planet's screwed! ROB: & SIPHER: (Groan and hit Doug) DOUG: Ow! Don't hit! WRECK-GAR: Steady as she goes, Bob! Snoopy visitors get mud in the eye, by and by! Film at eleven! (Ship lands, plank opens) ARCEE: It's Hot Rod! DANIEL: And Kup and the Dinobots! SIPHER: And they're flying a giant wine-bottle opener! HOT ROD: Guns aren't exactly friendly. DOUG: Since when was Hot Rod gun-shy? KUP: Neither are they, in case you haven't noticed. HOT ROD: What was that universal greeting, again? Never mind, I remember. Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong! WRECK-GAR: Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong? SIPHER: (As Wreck-Gar) Is this guy for real? HOT ROD: Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong! WRECK-GAR: Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong! DOUG: Okay, already! We get the idea! JUNKIONS: Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong! ROB: Junkions come running for the rich taste of ni ni bong! (Junkions start dancing) SIPHER: I wonder if "Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong" is a cuss word in some other language. ROB: Then it wouldn't really be "universal", now, would it? (Hot Rod and Wreck-Gar dance) DOUG: I wonder who's leading here? (Wheelie does a few breakdance moves) SIPHER: "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo". GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock not kisser, me Grimlock king! DOUG: Grimlock, king of the hickey! WRECK-GAR: Have a nice day, and please close cover before striking, friends! Reep rip a-rooty, so say the Junkions! HOT ROD: Where'd you learn to talk like that? WRECK-GAR: TV! SIPHER: And some radio and movie. WRECK-GAR: We talk TV! You talk some TV? KUP: Yeah, I talk some TV. And now the news! Don't touch that dial! SIPHER: ALL HAIL BRAK! DOUG: Death from above! ROB: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! ALL: YOU BASTARDS! WRECK-GAR: By George, Kemosabe, your smashed-up friend soon like brand new with ninety-day warranty. DOUG: Offer void in Tennessee. SIPHER: Yeah, ninety days from now, Ultra Magnus just falls apart. ROB: So? WRECK-GAR: Happy motoring! Cock-a-doodle-dooooo! DOUG: Ooookay, this movie just broke the Goofymeter, big time. (Magnus gets up) DANIEL: Look, he's alive! MAGNUS: You're all alive. HOT ROD: The Matrix? MAGNUS: It's gone. ROB: Way to go. DOUG: Give him a break, he was dead. SIPHER: But he got better! HOT ROD: No! ARCEE: Galvatron has it. HOT ROD: Where's Galvatron, where is he? WRECK-GAR: And the answer is: Unicron. HOT ROD: Then we've got to destroy Unicron! SIPHER: Like you didn't before? WRECK-GAR: Yes, friends, act now! Destroy Unicron! Kill the Grand Poohbah! DOUG: (as Fred Flintstone) WILMA!! WRECK-GAR: ... No fuss, no muss. Hurry hurry hurry! Sale must end! Rush right on down and test-drive latest model with no obligation! SIPHER: He talks way too cool to interrupt. (Junkion spaceship begins to rise) ROB: I am Freudotron! WRECK-GAR: New improved Junkion planet is sleek, sexy import with turbo handling! SIPHER: Does it come with a CD player with removable face? JUNKIONS: Destroy Unicron, kill the grand poobah, eliminate even the toughest stains! DOUG: Well, they're not much for independent thought, but they do have rhythm. (The two ships blast off.) DOUG: (starts doing old MTV station ID music) (Unicron approaches Cybertron) GALVATRON: Unicron! SIPHER: Lick me! GALVATRON: UNICRON! SIPHER: LICK ME! GALVATRON: See this! The Matrix! I now possess that which you most fear! ROB: Big man with the Matrix... (Unicron roars) SIPHER: He is NOT a morning person. GALVATRON: You will do my bidding! Or taste my wrath! (Galvatron struggles to open the Matrix) DOUG: Taste... my wrath... heh heh... wrath... hee... oh dear. (Improv nervousness.) UNICRON: You underestimate me, Galvatron. ROB: I've been drinking milk. (Parts of Unicron begin to shift) SIPHER: (as Unicron) Whoah, THAT'S not supposed to happen. (Galvatron sent tumbling.) DOUG: (singing) I feel the earth move under my feet... (Back end of Unicron reveals arms) ROB: (as Dr. Strangelove) Ze whole POINT uf havink a transformink planet vas to tell ze vorld! *VY* did you keep it a zecret?! ALL: (Start humming the music from "Powerhouse") (Galvatron watches Unicron's hand) SIPHER: (various Frankenstein grunts) (Red section of Unicron's torso lights up.) DOUG: (singing) Blinded by the light... ROB: Damn you, Doug. (Unicron's head is revealed) DOUG: It's Mega-Maid! UNICRON: For a time, I considered sparing your wretched little planet Cybertron. SIPHER: (As Ahnult) I lied. UNICRON: But now, you shall witness... its dismemberment! GALVATRON: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO... ROB: I just made my last payment!!! (Unicron raises his hand) SIPHER: Kerrr... (Unicron slams his hand down) SIPHER: ...rrrSMACK!! SHOCKWAVE: Decepticons! We're under attack! DOUG: Well, no shit! (Decepticons attack Unicron without much success) ROB: Have they considered running like hell? (Galvatron transforms and shoots at Unicron) SIPHER: Yeah, that'll work. Keep it up, Galvie. Idiot. (Unicron grabs Galvatron) DOUG: Okay, that's it, punk. I've had just enough out of you. (Unicron opens his mouth to drop Galvatron in) ROB: Through the lips, over the gums, look out stomach, here it comes! (Autobot ships advance) SPRINGER: I don't believe it. ROB: (solemnly) It's not butter. HOT ROD: Doesn't this remind you of anything, Kup? KUP: Nope. Never seen anything like this before. DOUG: Not since the last time. SIPHER: D'oh! DANIEL: What happened to Moonbase 2? Where's my dad? ROB: Take a guess, twerp. HOT ROD: That's what we're going to find out. SIPHER: I'll call information. (Unicron breathes a jet of flame) DOUG: Whoah! Get him a Certs the size of Phobos! (Flame hits Junkion ship) ROB: I got it! Under control! WRECK-GAR: Resists fire, rain and corrosion for up to five years! SIPHER: Personal results may vary. WRECK-GAR: Satisfaction guaranteed. JUNKIONS: Or your money back! ROB: Hard to collect it when you're *dead*. (Unicron breathes again, taking out a chunk of Quintesson ship) (Autobots tumble around) (Hot Rod grabs the controls) SIPHER: MITCHELL!!! (Quintesson ship smashes into Unicron's eye) ROB: Out, vile jelly! (Autobots abandon ship) DOUG: So the ship just bounces around his skull... (Hot Rod catches on a spike) SIPHER: I hate it when food sticks in your throat... ROB: Yeah. (Autobots hit the floor) ROB: That's GOTTA be bad for the arches. DANIEL: Where's Hot Rod? SPRINGER: I don't know, but I hope THEY didn't get him! SIPHER: They? The giant ants? DOUG: No, that's "Them." SIPHER: Oh. ARCEE: Quick, this way! DOUG: Run away, run away! (Hot Rod slides off the spike and lands elsewhere.) SIPHER: (as GAMERA's Kenny) My spine! (Hot Rod gropes around in the dark) ROB: Unicron is remarkably hollow. SIPHER: (starts singing PHANTOM OF THE OPERA organ music) HOT ROD: The Matrix! GALVATRON: It will do you no good, Autobot. It cannot be opened. ROB: They put it in an aspirin bottle. GALVATRON: Like it or not, we are allies now, against a common foe! (Unicron attacks Galvatron) DOUG: Galvatron's not too bright, is he? UNICRON: Destroy him, Galvatron, now! Or you yourself shall be obliterated! GALVATRON: Of course, my master! (Galvatron shoots at Hot Rod, who runs away) GALVATRON: Puny Autobot! You lack even Prime's courage! SIPHER: Yeah, but he's smart enough not to stand around and get shot. (Unicron fires eye beams, Dinobots avoid them) ROB: I didn't know Dinobots could fly. DOUG: You will believe a Dinobot can fly. GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock kick butt! (Grimlock transforms and kicks Unicron in the butt) ROB: Literally! SIPHER: You gotta be a royal badass to kick Unicron in the butt and live to brag about it. DOUG: I don't believe you said that. SIPHER: I did. GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock need new strategy. ROB: Or bigger feet. (Daniel trips and falls.) DANIEL: Heeelp! Help! ARCEE: Daniel! SIPHER: Dang kid, if it's not one thing it's another with him... (Autobots shoot claws around Daniel.) DOUG: What are they aiming for? (Arcee shoots the back wall.) SIPHER: Lower! Lower! (Water floods in.) DOUG: Surf's up! And I'm talkin' UP! (Daniel is swept away from the others) DANIEL: Arcee! Kup! SIPHER: Come on down to Wild Rivers! ROB: Reminds me of the Jurassic Park ride, actually. DOUG: *Glub!* (Robots drop into the vat.) DOUG: Lava? ROB: Now THAT'S pumice action. (Robots finally melt away) SIPHER: Are they soup yet? DOUG: Melted robots? It's in there! DANIEL: Dad! SPIKE: Daniel! ROB: Talk about timing! DANIEL: Dad, what can I do? SPIKE: Knock down the acid cover! DOUG: Huh-huh...it's a lid of acid... DANIEL: How? SPIKE: Blast it, son! DANIEL: But I don't have a gun! DOUG: You COMMIE! SPIKE: Use your Exo-Suit! ROB: Is it me, or does Daniel have the same hair as Kei from the Dirty Pair? DOUG : Which series? (Daniel fiddles with the suit) SPIKE: HURRY!! (The arms of the suit fold around to form guns) SIPHER: AGH! MY ELBOWS HAVE SNAPPED CLEAN!! (One of the struts is shot away. Bumblebee, Spike, Jazz & Cliffjumper are dropped) DANIEL: DAAAAAAD! DOUG: This is gonna suuuuuuuuck...! (Pause.) SPIKE: Daniel! You did it! ROB: Remember, guns solve all problems. SIPHER: All problems! They make you feel popular and feel like you're a man! Buy guns! (Another part of Unicron) GALVATRON: Come out, Autobot, we all must die sometime. HOT ROD: Not today, Galvatron! DOUG: I've got an audition for SUDDENLY SUSAN 2005. ROB: Wow, did *his* career hit the skids! (Hot Rod runs off, transforms, then runs Galvatron down) SIPHER: Tag! You're it! (Hot Rod retreats, while Galvatron shoots at him) SIPHER: Hot Rod pops the clutch and tells Galvatron to eat his dust! (Galvatron shoots and misses. Hot Rod returns fire and hits.) DOUG: Okay, so Galvatron cannon couldn't hit, but Hot Rod's guns could? SIPHER: Galvatron has a headache. ROB: Can't imagine why... (Hot Rod blinds Galvatron with his high beams) SIPHER: Hey! Your brights! HEY! GALVATRON: I will crush you with my bare hands! ROB: (strangled) In retrospect, that was stupid of me... GALVATRON: Die, Aubot! SIPHER: He likes that "die" thing, doesn't he? (Unicron grabs Junkion ship) DOUG: Now they can land in the compact spaces. (Back inside Unicron.) GALVATRON: First Prime, then Ultra Magnus, and now you. It's a pity you Autobots die so easily, or I might have a sense of satisfaction now. SIPHER: (Devo voice) Can't get no... satisfaction... (Hot Rod grabs the Matrix from Galvatron. Light floods the chamber) ALL: Ooooooooooooooooooooooh... OPTIMUS: Arise, Rodimus Prime. ROB: Use the Farce, Rod. GALVATRON: No! (Galvatron fires, bolts bounce off Rodimus) SIPHER: So why didn't that work for Optimus? (Blast knocks Matrix away) ROB: Hey! RODIMUS: This is the end of the road... DOUG: As we know it, and I feel fine. (Rodimus and Galvatron grapple, finally Rodimus tosses Galvatron through Unicron's side) ROB: (as Bob Ueker) And it's a long fly ball to center field... SIPHER: Center torso? (Rodimus stands with Matrix.) SIPHER: Now, where was I... RODIMUS: Now, light our darkest hour! DOUG: And this time, I mean it! (Light shines through Unicron's innards) ROB: The universe's largest bug zapper! (Shot of Unicrons monitor ball shorting out) ALL: (at various times, NOT in sync) Do not adjust your TV set, we control the horizontal... (Monitor ball explodes) ALL: ...we controll the AAAARGH! (Unicron thrashes around in pain) SIPHER: Diarrhea is like the Matrix opening inside you. (Autobots are still fighting claws, one nails Springer) DOUG: Owie... (Claws explode, Spike & company run up) SPRINGER: Spike, Daniel! SPIKE: Springer, what's going on? SPRINGER: No time to answer that now! Let's get outta here! ROB: You don't know, admit it! SIPHER: Why don't you *transform* instead of run? (Daniel spots Rodimus Prime running towards them) DANIEL: Look! DOUG: An old vaccuum tube! Neat! RODIMUS: Autobots, transform and roll out! SIPHER: Roll with the new! (Rodimus transforms) ROB: The Big Red Winnebago Of Doom! KUP: I *knew* you had potential, lad! ALL: Kiss-up. (Autobots fly out Unicron's other eye) SIPHER: Insult to injury. ROB: At least he has a matched set now. UNICRON: My destiny... SIPHER: His density? ROB: *MCFLY!!!* UNICRON: You cannot... destroy... my destiny... (Unicron's head flies off) ROB: The first HeadMaster! (Unicron explodes) DOUG: Hate to say it, but it looked cooler in "Call of the Primitives". SIPHER: Yeah. RODIMUS: Let this mark the end of the Cybertronian Wars... SIPHER: Duuuuuuh, okay. RODIMUS: ... as we march forward to a new age of peace and happiness! ROB: Until "Five Faces Of Darkness," at any rate. ALL: 'Til all are one! DOUG: One calorie? ALL: 'Til all are one! SIPHER: Tastes great! DOUG: Less filling! SIPHER: Tastes great! DOUG: Less filling! (Unicron's head orbits Cybertron) DOUG: Rosebud... (Freeze frame on Unicron's head.) SIPHER: (singing) And I'm... not... done... and I won't be 'till my head falls off... (very brief pause) DOUG (to audience): Hey, hey! Get back in here! We're not done! SIPHER: Some people. ROB: Man. (Jack Angel credit gets halfway up screen) SIPHER: Jack Angel, Jack Angel...will you be miiine... DOUG: Oh, you. (pause) SIPHER: So, Orson Welles died during the voice taping, huh? DOUG: Apparently, he choked on some frozen peas. ROB: Oh, that's mean. SIPHER: What about the unintentional meanness of Welles playing a PLANET? ROB: Well, that was just coincidence. (Credit for Buster Jones gets halfway up screen) SIPHER: Buster Jones! DOUG: Buster Keaton! ROB: Busta Rhymes! SIPHER: Buster Poindexter! DOUG: Buster Witwicky! ROB: Bust of Tchaikovsky! SIPHER & DOUG: What? (Credit for Gears gets halfway up screen) DOUG: Gears? Where was Gears in this movie?! ROB: His scene was cut when he demanded too much money. SIPHER: Let me guess. You've got that scene on a secret lost reel with all sorts of ultra-violent extra footage that never made it to the theaters, right? ROB: Sure. It's the version where we see Sparkplug die horribly by Megatron's hand. DOUG: Oh come on. Everybody knows Sparkplug is living in Florida with a generous retirement package from the Autobots. ROB: Impossible. By the year 2005, Disney has annexed the entire peninsula of Florida, and keeps strict control over its population. DOUG: Well, then he went to California. SIPHER: Sorry. California fell into the ocean in 2003. All that's left is Arizona Bay. DOUG : Well, at least future BotCons will be closer to the middle of thecountry afterwards! SIPHER : That'll be pretty easy when the center of the country involuntarily moves East. (A Vince DiCola credit) SIPHER: Got a deep-down music thirst? Try new DiCola! [pause] SIPHER: So, is Brawn really dead? ROB: Yes. DOUG: No. SIPHER: Personally, I like Carcharodo—I mean, Thylacine 2000's theory that Brawn was actually replaced by his twin brother Nwarb, and HE got it during the movie. DOUG: Hmmm... ROB: Yes, but doesn't that theory also say that Brawn was killed in the first season during a big cover-up, meaning that he's STILL dead? SIPHER: Ah, but you do not see the webs within the webs. DOUG: Oh brother. SIPHER: Brawn's first-season death was in itself a cover-up, a clever ploy set up by the Predacon elder MegaBee. ROB: Did you and Jameel switch brains? SIPHER: I have it on good authority that Brawn and MegaBee are alive and well, plotting the total overthrow of the Transformer race... DOUG: That's nice. (stage whisper to Rob) You make sure he stays put, I'll get his pills! (pause) SIPHER: Can you read any of these? DOUG: Sure. Not that I particularly care... (pause) SIPHER: I'd just like to take this time to say that I think Kup would be able to do a GREAT Jimmy Durante impression. (pause) ROB: Y'know, I'm in the mood to see the "GoBots" movie. DOUG: Really? SIPHER : I've actually got the tape if you wanna... ROB: No, I'm just wasting time. DOUG: Do we really wanna sit through all these credits? SIPHER: Many people poured their hearts into the production of this movie. I think we should let them have their moment. DOUG: After we went and mocked their work? SIPHER: It was mocked in a friendly, loving way. ROB: Uh-huh. [slight pause] SIPHER: So why do you think Rodimus was never as popular as Optimus? ROB: Cause his toy sucked? DOUG: Mr. Twigs-for-Legs, you mean? SIPHER: Um, well, yeah, but I'm talking the *character* here. ROB: Hmmm.... Cause his character sucked? SIPHER: Oh come on, now. I personally found Rod a more interesting character. Perfection tends to grate on me. DOUG: It's probably because Optimus was considered the greatest Autobot of all by most of the fans. ROB: Greatest Autobot of all? SIPHER: Did he get a plaque? Face on a Wheaties box? DOUG: Don't you remember? There was a big letter-writing campaign to bring him back after the movie, and it worked. The kids loved him. SIPHER: Or maybe some people are just bloody afraid of change? ROB: Well, I suppose you could make a case for— SIPHER: I mean, try anything new, and SOME people just wanna jump down your throat because you've DARED to not do exactly what they wanted! DOUG: Well, I— SIPHER: BEAST WARS IS A GREAT TOY LINE, I WILL NOT HAVE IT MALIGNED! DOUG: Okay, fine. But we were talking about Optimus. SIPHER: Hey, the kids love 'im, let him back in the show. ROB: Okay. Are you done? It's just that they need to clear the room for the scheduled Frenzy-Is-Red-Rumble-Is-Blue debate. DOUG: Ooh. Don't want to miss that. SIPHER: Then we'd best bring up the lights before someone gets hurt... OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS! ROB: Well then, Bah weep graaahnah weep ni ni bong, everybody! SIPHER: Wait wait wait. You're using a greeting to say goodbye? ROB: Well, maybe it's like "aloha". SIPHER: Hence the "universal"? DOUG: So you could use it for anything, then. SIPHER: Um... DOUG: Like the answer to life's greatest mysteries... "Why are we here?" SIPHER: Plastic. ROB: Bah weep graaahnah weep ni ni bong. DOUG: "What's life all about?" SIPHER: About eighty-odd years on average. ROB: Bah weep graaahnah weep ni ni bong. DOUG: [now singing like Eric Idle] "Is God really real?" SIPHER: Rectum? Damn near killed 'em! ROB: Bah weep graaahnah weep ni ni bong. DOUG: [still singing] "Or is there some doubt?" ROB: I said bah weep graaahnah weep ni ni bong! SIPHER: Is Frenzy red or blue? ROB: Bah weep graaahnah weep ni ni bong! DOUG: Does the blue Bluestreak exist? SIPHER: No! ROB: Bah weep graaahnah weep ni ni bong!! SIPHER: Just how the hell are we going to end this? DOUG & ROB: Bah weep graaahnah weep ni ni bong! SIPHER: Whatever. [puts down mic and walks off] DOUG: So long, everybody. SIPHER: [from a distance] You're not my real father!! OFFSTAGE: *LIGHTS!!!* -----RUN CREDITS TAPE----- -----END-----